News
written by Linda Falkner on 2/22/2012
You have the capability of deciding how you feel. You aren’t at the mercy of uncontrollable outside forces. Even when you have a physical disorder that leads to anxiety or depression, you still make the problem better or worse with your own self-talk. Self-talk is that little voice in the back of your head, and constant discussion that you maintain with yourself. I’ve had students refer to this as “the committee.”
Albert Ellis has written many books discussing the idea that there are many false or irrational beliefs that people hold which, when combined with “should” or “must,” lead to anger, depression, or anxiety. Often the belief isn’t immediately evident and will take a little digging to find. Below is an example of Sad Sue, who believed that she wasn’t good enough herself, but needed love and approval from others in order to matter.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/20/2012
Now that you have an understanding of how an “I message” works, and the two parts, identifying your feelings and giving a specific statement, it’s time to start practicing with other people. You may also discuss your action or behavior, but don’t blame the other person for your actions or thoughts. Here are a few examples. Remember, this isn’t meant to identify your feelings, but rather is meant to be talking to someone else.
I feel _______Upset__________ when___ I come home and find a sink full of dishes. __
I feel ________Proud of you_____when You bring home A’s on your report card.
I feel _____Scared________________ when You came home late and didn’t call me. I chose to stay up late and wait for you.
I feel ____________Frustrated_____________________________ when _I want to get to the party on time, but it was more important to me to go with you, so I chose to wait for you. I would prefer to have left earlier, but the choice was mine.
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
Now that you have practiced on paper. It’s time to practice with your family, friends, and acquaintances. You may want to choose a friend, family member, or your counselor to discuss what this experience was like for you. Many people feel awkward when they first start communicating in this way, but like anything else new, it takes practice to get comfortable with. Remember, “I messages” aren’t a technique to manipulate people to do things that you want, but rather, they are an improved way for you to communicate with others.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/18/2012
The next step in good communication is learning to be specific. Say exactly what you want, and don’t leave it open ended for others to have to guess your meaning.
Here are some examples that are done for you. Yes or no relates to the statement being specific or not:
Clean up the mess – No (This is not specific. I have no idea what mess is being discussed, or even what you mean by clean up.)
Put the toys on the shelf – Yes (This is specific and clearly explains what you want done.)
This kitchen is trashed – No (trashed doesn’t give me a very good idea what the problem is)
The sink is full of dishes — Yes (do you see how much more information is here than in the previous sentence)
Now you try it. Mark yes if the statement is specific, and no if it doesn’t give enough details.
1. Clean you room _________
2. Put the clothes in the hamper __________
3. I hate this dinner _____________
4. The peas taste bad to me _______________
5. That dog is covered with mud ____________
6. That dog is disgusting __________________
7. The weather was lousy today ____________
8. It was cold and rainy all day _____________
Your answers should be 1No 2Yes 3No 4Yes 5Yes 6No 7No 8Yes. Do you understand why? If not, re-read the directions or discuss this with your counselor.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/17/2012
How do you know if your therapist is ethical, and is doing a good job? Here are some things to look out for:
- Does the counselor have the training and experience in your problem? A licensed counselor has a masters degree, two additional years of supervised training, has passed a difficult state test, and meets requirements for ongoing education. Beware of unlicensed “counselors” who may have inadequate or no training in therapy.
- Is the counselor on the same page as you regarding your goals for therapy?
- Does your counselor take interest in you, and is clearly listening?
- Most therapies are complete in 4-8 months. Some more severe problems might take a year or longer. Therapy should not go on for years and years. The goal of therapy is to help you learn to manage your own problems, not to continue until you are problem free.
- Does the counselor have other counselors for consultation? Is there oversight making sure the counselor is doing a good job? These are reasons to seek a group such as Cheer, rather than an individual counselor.
- Your counselor should provide information about your rights as a client, office policies, fees, and confidentiality.
- Beware if your counselor is judgmental or critical of you, including your behavior, beliefs, or lifestyle.
- Your counselor should not look down on your or treat you as though he is better than you.
- Your counselor should not blame or put-down family, friends or partner. However, he should be concerned if you are are in a domestic violence or dangerous situation.
- Counselors should not be using you to get their personal needs met or to get therapy at your expense.
- Counselors must keep clear boundaries between being a counselor and being a friend.
- No unwanted touching. It’s okay for you to initiate a hug, but not the counselor. You don’t have to ever accept unwanted touch.
- Absolutely no sexual attempts should be made or accepted.
- Your counselor should remain discrete and not greet you if you happen to meet outside of a session. You are free to initiate a greeting, or not.
- Beware if your counselor talks excessively about himself and/or self-discloses often without any therapeutic purpose.
- Under the code of ethics, counselor can not ask for your help with something not related to your therapy.
- Counselors should never release identifying or personal information without your authorization.
- Counselors need to be able to accept feedback or admit mistakes.
- Beware if your counselor doesn’t listen to you, talks too much, or too little. This should be a comfortable exchange.
- Beware if your counselor acts as if she has the answers or solutions to everything. She should not tell you what to do, makes decisions for you, or spend time giving you advice.
- Beware if your counselor encourages your dependency by allowing you to get your emotional needs meet from the therapist rather than helping you learn to solve your own problems.
- A counselor should not require you to come to therapy more than once a week when you’re not in crisis. Demands that you call and have a phone session if you are sick or on vacation are unethical. You have a right to take a week off without guilt.
- Counselor should never try to keep you in therapy against your will.
- Counselors should not be augmentative with you or frequently confrontational. He should not lecture you.
- Beware if your counselor doesn’t remember your name and/or doesn’t remember your issues from one session to the next.
- Your counselor should not answer or look at her phone during your session.
- Your counselor should answer or return your calls or emails in a timely manner, but not during therapy sessions.
- Your counselor needs to be respectful of your culture, politics and religion. He should not try pushing his beliefs on you.
- Your counselor should empathize with you, but not become overwhelmed with your problems.
- Your counselor should encourage you to experience your emotional feelings and memories, but allow you to chose how much is comfortable for you.
- The counselor should help you resolve your problems, but also to understand and resolve underlying problems and harmful beliefs.
- It is not acceptable for your counselor to habitually miss, show up late, or cancel appointments.
- Your counselor may suggest homework to help you put new skills into practice. However, he should never threaten you in any way, even jokingly, for lack of progress, missing homework, or for any other reason.
- Couples experiencing domestic violence should not be seen together. It’s best if couples being seen separately (with or without domestic violence) each have their own counselor.
- A counselor working at a facility (such as Cheer Counseling) should not be asking you to meet her at another location, or to move with her if she is leaving.
I am insistent that you are getting excellent care. If you have any concerns about your counselor, please let me know. Thank you. Linda (my personal cell is (813) 620-4900)
written by Linda Falkner on 2/16/2012
Now you try some. Write Yes if this demonstrates good communication (even if it doesn’t relate personally to you). Write No if it shows poor communication, or blames others for the writer’s feelings.
1. I feel happy __________
2. You make me happy ___________
3. The kids upset me __________________
4. I feel upset with the kids ______________
5. Joe pisses me off ____________
6. I feel pissed off with Joe _________
7. I feel upset because of the dog _________
8. That dog upsets me ___________
Your answers should be 1Yes 2No 3No 4Yes 5No 6Yes 7Yes 8No. Do you understand why? If not, re-read the directions or discuss this with your counselor.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/14/2012
A second part to good communication is to be specific. I like going around a room and asking people what they would do if I asked them to clean up. If there are ten people in the class, I’ll probably get ten different answers. “I’d sweep the floor,” I’d pick up those papers” “I’d straighten the chairs,” and so on. However, if I ask them to wash the chalkboard, then everyone in the room has exactly the same idea regarding what I want. Wash the chalkboard has much better results than clean the room, because it’s specific. Here are some more examples of good communication.
Mike, when I see broken glass on the floor, I’m scared someone will get cut. I need you to get the broom and I will help you clean it up.
Billy, I’m upset when I see all the toys on the floor. I want you to put them in the toy box.
Kerry, I feel upset when I hear you yelling. I need to hear you talking quietly.
I want you to give your dog a bath because he is covered with mud.
Notice that these sentences do not include any blaming. They are specific about how the speaker feels and what he wants done. Here are some more examples. Some are correct “I messages” which contain feeling and specific description, while others are wrong. The reason they are right or wrong is explained after the sentence:
Sue, you make me upset when you make a mess -— Wrong, the other person is NOT responsible for your feelings and make a mess is not specific.
You make me sad when you yell at me -— wrong, other people don’t control your emotions.
Kerry, I feel sad when you act that way - Half and half. Right because the speaker is taking responsibility for his feelings, but wrong because it’s not specific. What way was Kerry acting?
Kerry, I feel sad when you yell at me - right, but see if you can take out the “you.”
Kerry, I feel sad when I get yelled at – YES, this is an excellent “I message.”
Are the following sentences good communication? Write yes or no. The first set is done for you:
I feel angry — Yes (this is correct because the speaker is taking responsibility for her own feelings)
You make me angry — No (this is wrong because others don’t control how you feel. You are allowing yourself to become angry).
I feel pissed off with my ex – Yes (even if this isn’t true for you, it’s good communication because the speaker is taking responsibility for his feelings)
My ex pisses me off – No (the speaker is blaming another person for her feelings, so it is poor communication.)
written by Linda Falkner on 2/12/2012
There are people who would focus on how the boy “should” be punished for not doing the dishes, but the dishes were not really the issue, and punishment only breeds anger. The issue was keeping the relationship healthy and respectful. Tillie may have spent five minutes doing dishes, but she saved an hour not driving across town to the theatre, and then later doing the trip a second time to pick him up. Tillie knew she couldn’t control the boy and force him to stay in the house without breeding resentment, so she limited her response only to what she would do, because that is what she could control. The relationship was far more important than the situation, and Tillie knew this.
When you stop using “you should” and replace it with “I will” or “I prefer” you will find that others are more responsive to you. You may also want to add the word “but” to your thinking. For example “I would like you to clean your room but I can’t control you. I have a choice to close the door instead.” “I wish Mary would pay the bills on time, but that’s her business and isn’t my problem.”
written by Linda Falkner on 2/10/2012
I have another story about another 15-year-old boy. This boy asked his mother, Tired Tillie, if she would drive him to the movies. Tillie didn’t want to drive to the theatre but decided that she would do so if her son would wash the dishes. Tillie knew that her son could get a ride from a friend and wisely didn’t tell him that he couldn’t go, which would have escalated into a fight if he defied her, or resulted in anger on his part if he didn’t. The issue was not whether or not her son could see a movie, but rather, whether Tillie would drive him to the theatre. The situation ended up being a win-win situation. Her son called a friend and went to the movie while Tillie enjoyed a quiet evening at home.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/8/2012
I remember Weary Willy who was having conflicts with his teenaged son over this very same issue. The boy refused to wash his clothes, or bring them to the laundry room on washdays. His room smelled like a locker room. The boy didn’t have any problem with the clothes on the floor, and saw no need to change the situation. Willy was tired of how the room smelled. He went around and around with his son for several weeks with no results. Finally, he came to class one day and exclaimed, “There’s nothing I can do. I can’t control my son and I can’t make him clean his room.”
He was right! Willy had finally realized that he couldn’t control his son. However, he could control himself, and his behavior. We brainstormed about things that Willy could do to resolve the situation. Willy could have cleaned the room, but he rejected that idea. He could close the door, but the smell of old wet clothes was strong and Willy wanted the clothes removed. Finally Willy thought of a solution. The next week Willy came to class and could hardly sit still. He was so excited that he couldn’t wait to tell the class how he had solved the locker room smell problem. It was so simple; he sprayed the room with canned floral scent. Now, his boy didn’t have a problem with locker room scent, but flowers were “girl stuff” and an insult for a 15-year-old “man.” Willy no longer had a problem, but now his son had a problem. The son had to choose between picking up his room or having his father spray it with floral scent every day. Whichever path the boy chose, Willy’s problem was now resolved because he had taken control of his own behavior and given up trying to control another person. However, the story had a happy ending as his son wisely decided to start washing his clothes, rather than have his father spray his room.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/6/2012
Here is an assignment that I would like you to do for one week (consider it free therapy). Keep a small piece of paper with you – I’d suggest a 3×5 card, and keep a tally of every time you say or think “should”, “must” or any related word. You will probably be surprised by how often such words enter your vocabulary. Also pay attention to how often you use “you, never, always and why.” Other communication blockers include curse words and racial slurs. Both give people a negative impression of you, and limit effective communication. You will communicate far better if you refer to “that blue chair in the corner” rather than the “F…ing chair,” unless of course, the chair is actually engaged in that activity – in which case that would be the correct word to use.
Try replacing “you should” with the words “I prefer.” Take responsibility only for your own behavior and remember that you can’t control others. You may tell others what you would like, or ask them to do something, the final decision is theirs, and they don’t owe you anything just because you asked for it. Here are some examples below of good communication:
I don’t like your clothes on the floor.
I wish you could pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper.
Please pick up your clothes.
I prefer not having to walk over your clothes.
I’m doing the laundry now and need you to bring your clothes, or they won’t get washed.
I will throw away any clothes that I find on the floor. (only say this if you mean it).
I will put all the clothes in a bag and keep them until I don’t see clothes dropped on the floor any more.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/5/2012
People and things do not upset us, rather we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us.
Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy
written by Linda Falkner on 2/4/2012
COMMUNICATION
The human species are born to communicate. All but a minority of people learn to talk and communicate within their first two to three years of life. The fact that you are presently reading this, or listening to someone else read it, proves that you have an innate ability to communicate. That being said, clearly some people have better communication skills than others, and most people could use some improvement in developing their communication skills. If you aren’t good at communicating with others, it’s not because there is something wrong with you or that you are unable to learn this, it’s because you need to learn a few basic, simple skills that will improve your interaction with others.
Many people communicate by telling others about themselves, name-calling, or blaming others for how they feel. Here are a few examples of such poor communication:
You never get it right.
You always screw everything up.
What is wrong with you?
You should be doing it my way.
Why can’t you ever get it right?
You are an idiot!
Tomorrow I’ll share some better ways to communicate
written by Linda Falkner on 2/3/2012
February Newsletter – here is the link to see it with pictures. If it doesn’t work here, try it on my facebook. I know that works. Enjoy! Linda
February Newsletter from Cheer Counseling
icont.ac
February 2012
Cheer Counseling provides cheerful, high quality and affordable counseling. We offer old-fashioned personal service that excels in all areas from office staff to counselors.
Happy Valentines Day from our Cheer Family to your family.
RELATIONSHIPS
One of the most important areas of people’s lives, yet one of the most stressful, is our relationships with our families. The problems come about when we have expectations for our family members to change, but they never do. As long as you are trying to get someone else to change, you are unlikely to be successful. Change your focus on the one person that you CAN control – yourself, and you’ll gain power in a difficult situation. Remember, the only person you have control over is yourself, and once you accept that fact and begin taking power only over yourself, you’ll feel calmer, happier and more in-control than you’ve ever been before.
Groan of the Day
The head psychiatrist decides it’s time to see whether some patients are ready to leave the “hospital” so he takes one to a room where there is a large, empty swimming pool, and a diving board overhanging it.
He takes the patient to the edge of the board and says: “Jump!” The patient jumps and breaks both his legs and is carried away.
The next patient is taken up and after the same injunction, jumps and breaks both her arms and is carried away.
The last patient is taken up and told to jump and he refuses.
The head psychiatrist says, “Congratulations! You have passed the test, and are free to leave, but tell me out of curiosity why you refused to jump.” The patient replies, “I can’t swim.”
NEW WEBSITE
I’m excited to announce the NEW Cheer Website. Same address:
www.cheercounseling.com
I’m blogging regularly, so check-in and see what I’ve got to say. Or even better, write me if you have something to share, and I may post your comments on my blog. Thanks so much! Linda
Counselor of the Month
William “Mr. Bill” Hogan
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
MA from the University of South Florida
BA in Psychology from the University of West Florida
Since 1983 Bill Hogan has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and is a certified parent educator, practicum supervisor and developer of mental health programming. He has been married for 33 years and has two daughters who have graduated from Florida colleges and are raising families of their own.
Formerly Mr. Hogan was the Program Manager for the Department of Children’s Services where he managed Tampa’s Haven W. Poe Runaway Shelter, and residential programs for children with emotional problems and pre-delinquency issues. He coordinated department wide recruitment, volunteer placement, parent education and community development.
He has worked for almost 40 years with Children and Families at all levels from child caring, counseling, supervision and program development. He has retired from program responsibilities and returned to Family Therapy and practices at Cheer Counseling in Brandon, Fl.
Bill is active in Gasparella events, and lives in Tampa
written by Linda Falkner on 2/2/2012
Welcome to February. The New Year is well begun and you are continuing with your resolutions and new life. Since Valentines Day is February 14th, the focus of this month will be Love and Relationships. One key topic that this month covers is improved communication. A key point in your recovery includes developing and maintaining healthy relationships with people who support your positive goals and abstinence from harmful thinking and behaviors.
It is essential for your recovery to understand that you are not in control of others, and they in turn, have no control over you, unless you chose to give them that control. There are many people who will put you down, call you names, and attempt to take control over your life, behavior, and even your thoughts. If someone calls you insane, or tells you that your life in unmanageable, you need to challenge this within yourself. Most people, even those with serious problems, manage fairly well in most areas of their lives, and are quite sane, although they may do crazy things at times.
Some serious drug addicts, alcoholics, and mentally ill individuals do reach a low level of unmanageability and end up going from crisis to crisis, becoming homeless and living in the woods, but that is generally a minority of addicts at the end stage of their addiction.
Far more people remain functional and manage their lives fairly well in spite of their problems. I want you to clearly understand that no one, or nothing, but yourself, can either keep you from practicing your addiction, or make you engage in it. Your friend, neighbor, partner or higher power did not force you to engage in your addictions, and none of them will stop you either. The power to abstain from drugs, alcohol, unhealthy people, unhealthy activities, and addictive or dysfunctional behavior lies only within yourself.
written by Linda Falkner on 2/1/2012
Many people find it much easier to minimize or deny their behavior than to look at themselves honestly. You know you are doing this if you use the words “only, but, or just.” “Sure I drank until I passed out, BUT it was New Years.” “I ONLY used a little cocaine.” “I JUST had one 12-pack. I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about my driving home.” “JUST one piece of cake won’t hurt my diet, I can start again tomorrow.” “I ONLY want to enjoy myself this once.” “It won’t hurt to gamble one more time, I JUST want to win back my losses” “Sex with a stranger won’t hurt, it’s ONLY one time. I won’t catch AIDS” Watch out when you start thinking “I don’t really have a problem.” “There’s no reason for me to continue contact with my support people” or “Just one won’t hurt.” Such thinking is often the first step to a planned relapse, and all relapses are planned. I don’t use the word “slip” unless I’m talking about someone falling on a banana peal. That’s a slip. Returning to your addiction or dysfunctional behavior is a “planned relapse.” You won’t relapse unless you set that as one of your goals, and begin working on achieving that goal by cutting ties with healthy people and activities. Your relapse begins when you start seeking out activities and people (people, places and things) that will lead you back into your dysfunctional or addictive behaviors.
That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.
William J. H. Boetcker
Set your goals and resolutions with care, for whatever you plan is likely to happen. Chose your company well, for they are the model for your future. Engage in activities that lead to a healthy life. Have a very happy New Year, and I hope this book helps you stay on your path to recovery.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/30/2012
Life isn’t a fairy-tale story where you only need to do what pleases you. An attitude like that is evident when people begin experimenting with drugs or other serious addictions. Sure, getting high, drunk is self-gratifying for the moment, but there are serious long-term consequences because you are abusing your brain and body. You need to find a balance between enjoying yourself in a responsible manner and taking care of your obligations, so that your life remains manageable. Failure to meet obligations will lead you to feeling that your life is out of control. You can take back control of your life by doing necessary things, such as going to work and paying bills, even if they are not enjoyable in the moment. The long-term outcome is greater peace and comfort.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/28/2012
Roadblocks are patterns of thinking, as described by Dr. Stanton Samenow and Dr. Samuel Yochelson, that result in life problems. Dr. Samenow and Dr. Yochelson found that these are common thinking errors of criminals and drug addicts. Dr. Albert Ellis also described various thinking patterns that lead to life problems in average people without serious criminal or substance abuse problems. He called these irrational beliefs. Throughout this book, I will be presenting the work of these men, concepts that often overlap, and helping you learn to examine your own thinking patterns and the roadblocks you use that are harmful to your own happiness and mental health.
ROADBLOCKS
Avoiding Duties and Obligations.
Avoiding your duties and obligations by forgetting, putting them off, or depending on others to do them for you will result in a reactive life-style, where you spend unnecessary time and energy trying to fix problems that never needed to happen in the first place. Responsible people take care of their obligations up front. Failure to meet your obligations is a clear risk factor that will increase stress in your life and eventually lead you back to your addictions.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/26/2012
PROACTIVE AND REACTIVE
I’m sure you have known people, and you may even be one, who goes from crisis to crisis. They always seem to have a problem of the week, and ordinary events for others become serious traumas for them. They live their life as though they were making snowballs and rolling them down a snowy slope. They start with something small and easy to manage, but end up with huge boulders.
This is like Sad Sammy, who forgot to put gasoline in his car and then get stuck on his way to work, lost his job for not getting there, couldn’t pay his rent, and ended up living homeless on the street, all because he didn’t stop at a gas station on time.
Then there was Hungry Hanna who didn’t pay her electric bill and threw away the warning turn-off notice. She felt depressed because she couldn’t pay her electric bill so to help her feel better, she went shopping and bought enough food for a month, but the next day her power was turned off, and all her food spoiled.
Sammy and Hanna were living their lives reactively. Rather than being proactive and taking care of small problems, they waited until their problems became huge and unmanageable. Then Sammy and Hanna had to react to the problem, trying to fix it. How much better off they would have been if they had been proactive, and taken care of basic day to day problems up front. Putting gas in your car, paying your bills, and getting to work on time are all part of normal everyday activities. People who fail to proactively take care of their basic needs end up living in a reactive crisis mode, spending all their time and energy picking up the pieces rather than preventing the problem in the beginning. Living a reactive life promotes relapse back into your addiction. Setting small everyday goals and completing them helps you stay in a proactive state. Take care of problems at the top of the hill, when they are snowballs, rather than pushing them down the hill and waiting for them to become boulders.
It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.
Sir Winston Churchill
British politician (1874 – 1965)
written by Linda Falkner on 1/24/2012
He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign.
Victor Hugo
French dramatist, novelist, & poet (1802 – 1885)
written by Linda Falkner on 1/22/2012
FREEING YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST
Often we let our past get in the way of achieving our goals and dreams. I know you didn’t have a perfect childhood, but I’ll let you in on a secret: Nobody had that elusive, perfect childhood. All of our parents meant well, and they all messed-up at least once while raising you, and like it or not, you messed up (or will mess up) raising your own children. Life just doesn’t work out the way we planned, but plan anyway, because it’s the only way for you to have even a slight chance of controlling your life. Without plans or goals, you could stay stuck in the past. The past is gone, so it’s time to move on. The past doesn’t need to control your present. When you wake-up each morning, you have a choice on how you chose to think. You might groan “I have to go to that lousy job,” or you might wake up with an excited shout “I am so lucky to have my job, and it’s going to be a wonderful day!” You can spend time ruminating (that’s what cows do when they chew their cud) over abuse that happened during your childhood, use drugs or dysfunctional behaviors to help you forget the abuse, or you might tell yourself, “it’s time to get over it. I am no longer a helpless child who can’t control what happens to me.”
You are now a powerful adult and nothing or no one can control you unless you give them your permission. Are you giving negative thoughts free-rent in your head? Events in your life can’t make you angry, happy or depressed. It’s how you interpret and react to these events that result in your thoughts and moods.
Suppose you meet someone and fall in love. This is your dream partner, love of your life, your one and only, till death do we part, and you’re walking on clouds feeling that you are the happiest person who ever lived. How would you feel if your partner came to you one day and said “I found someone new, so get lost”? You’d be devastated. You might stay in bed and cry for weeks, or mope and find no pleasure in anything. Some people would go to the extreme of committing suicide. Now suppose that you have found someone better and need to tell your partner that you want out. Imagine the same scene with your partner telling you “I found someone new, so get lost.” Think about how differently you would feel, even though your partner’s behavior was exactly the same in each scenario. You would be relieved that it is over, and maybe you’d go out and celebrate that same day. In the first scene you would feel awful and the second scene, with your partner acting identically, you would feel joyful. You see, it isn’t your partner controlling your feelings, but rather it’s you who is in control.
“But isn’t it normal to feel sad when someone close to me dies?”
Of course. You aren’t a robot. I’m not telling you not to feel. I just want you to understand that you, and nobody else, is in control of your feelings. Nobody can make you sad, happy, angry, depressed or overjoyed. Your feelings originate within yourself.
“But my doctor says I have a biological disorder and need to take anti-depressants or anxiety pills.”
Now, I am not a doctor, and I’m NOT telling you to disregard your doctor and stop your medications, but imagine how you would feel if you found out that you won a hundred million dollar lottery. Imagine how you would feel if you fell in love. How would you feel if you gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby? If you are still depressed, then you probably do have a biological disorder that needs to be treated medically. If you aren’t, then the above are examples of a medical condition being cured by your thoughts …and you thought you were powerless over your thoughts! Sometimes medication is necessary to help you get through a tough time in your life, such as the death of a parent, but even then, it doesn’t need to continue for years after the crisis has resolved. Now it’s time to let your past go. Drinking, drugging, moping, or eating to excess isn’t going to cure your past hurts, but extreme behavior in any way can only make things worse in the long run.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/20/2012
Lets look at another goal. For New Years you decide to run a mile every morning. Now, if you are like many people, you aren’t in good enough shape to run a mile. If you try, tomorrow you will be sore and tired, and your New Years resolution (goal) will fade and be forgotten. It’s better to break-up your goal into small achievable parts. You may plan to get up an hour early tomorrow morning. Don’t try running, don’t even plan on walking, just get up and start your day an hour earlier than you are used to. After a week or so, you will become accustomed to getting up early, and the earlier time will become natural for you. Now start walking. For the next week walk a mile. Once you are used to doing that, start running for short periods. Run, walk, run, walk. Gradually increase the amount of time you are running until you are running the full mile daily. This may take weeks, or if you’ve been a major couch potato for a long time, it might take months to achieve. A goal doesn’t happen in one day – it takes time and work. A goal worth doing may take many years (yes, years) to accomplish. If you ever need a brain surgeon, you will want to hire the doctor who was well coordinated and could use his hands well since childhood. You know, the one who could color in the lines from an early age. That reminds me of that old joke where the kid asks a musician how to get to Carnegie Hall and the musician tells the kid “practice, practice, practice.”
When you set your goals, decide what you want to accomplish. Set a date and time when you will work on your goal. Have the goal specific and measurable, such as “do one more sit-up every day until I can do a hundred,” rather than to “get into better shape”. “I will spend Saturday nights playing with my children for two hours” is a goal, while “I won’t go to the bar on Saturday nights” isn’t. Don’t be afraid to stretch your imagination and reach for the sky. If it’s your dream, jump out of an airplane, but don’t take dangerous risks either: use a parachute! Another common expression that I’m sure you’ve heard is: If you fail to plan then you plan to fail.
Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.
Thomas A. Edison
US inventor (1847 – 1931)
written by Linda Falkner on 1/19/2012
Government survey finds that 5 percent of Americans suffer from a ‘serious mental illness’
By David Brown, Thursday, January 19, 12:02 AM
About 20 percent of American adults suffer some sort of mental illness each year, and about 5 percent experience a serious disorder that disrupts work, family or social life, according to a government report released Thursday.
The annual National Survey on Drug Use and Health sketches a now-familiar picture of a country where mental illness is common and the demand for treatment high.
Mental illness is most prevalent in women, young adults, the unemployed and people with low incomes. Drug and alcohol abuse is more than twice as common in people with mental illness than those without it. About 4 percent of adults contemplate suicide each year.
According to the study, slightly less than half the people with any mental illness — and only 60 percent of those with serious, disabling ones — get treatment each year. Whites and Native Americans are more likely to get treatment than blacks, Hispanics or Asians.
In all, about 14 percent of American adults receive some sort of behavioral care each year — and one in five said he or she wanted more, the survey found. Of the people reporting an “unmet need” for mental-health care, about 40 percent said they couldn’t afford it.
Prescription medicine was the most common treatment, used by 12 percent of adults. Between 2002 and 2010, the percentage of adults getting outpatient counseling fell slightly (to 7 percent), while the fraction of adults using a prescription drug went up.
The findings were drawn from interviews with about 68,500 randomly selected Americans living at homes, dormitories or shelters in 2010. It did not include people living on the street, active-duty members of the military, prisoners or hospital patients.
“This is a good picture of what the households in the country really look like,” said Pete Delany, an official of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, the agency that oversees the survey.
The survey was face to face, although the interview subjects answered many of the questions on a computer screen, a technique shown to increase candor about touchy subjects. The surveyors were not mental health professionals, although a sample of respondents were interviewed in greater detail by such people.
The questions were designed to uncover a range of problems, such as depression, anxiety, psychosis and adjustment disorders. Although drug and alcohol abuse qualify as mental disorders in psychiatry’s diagnostic manual, they weren’t considered as such in this survey. That will allow researchers to see the extent to which substance abuse and specific mental illnesses occur simultaneously.
Among the 46 million people age 18 and older who had a mental illness in 2010, 20 percent also met the criteria for substance abuse. For people ages 18 to 25, the rate was 32 percent. About 8 percent of Native Americans had both mental illness and substance abuse — twice the rate seen in blacks and whites.
“These should be taken as upper limits only,” Allen Frances, a retired professor of psychiatry at Duke University, said of the numbers in the survey. “I am skeptical that rates this high make sense.”
Frances oversaw the revision of the profession’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from 1987 to 1994. He said surveys generally lack the ability to judge the severity of symptoms, which is essential to deciding whether something qualifies as an illness.
Daniel J. Carlat, a Massachusetts psychiatrist whose 2010 book “Unhinged: The Trouble With Psychiatry” criticized the profession’s overreliance on prescription drugs, agreed “that there is a kind of alarmist quality to these reports.” The disorders found could include spider-phobia and staying upset for a long time after arguing with one’s spouse.
“There is a stigma about ‘mental illness’ that as soon as you hear the term people assume that it’s something quite severe. The nuances of this type of data tend to be lost on people,” he said. He added, however, that he doesn’t doubt that 5 percent of the population has a serious mental disorder.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/18/2012
Now, to get back on topic, here are some examples of how to set goals. Remember, a goal must be measurable and have a set time. It must be a positive action. I want to be happy isn’t a goal because there is no way to measure happiness. When people give me this goal, I ask them to define happiness. “I won’t drink” isn’t a goal because it doesn’t say what you WILL be doing. There are lots of things that I won’t do. I will never grow wings and fly to the moon. I won’t swim across the Pacific Ocean, and I won’t be arrested and put in jail for robbing a bank. However, these aren’t goals because I don’t have to make any effort to achieve them. I could achieve these non-goals by staying in bed and sleeping all day. Here are some examples of goals that are measurable, including what you are going to do and when. l
Suppose you decide to write a book, this might impress some people, but it shouldn’t. Can you write one page? Most people can. Imagine that you decide to write one page everyday for the next six months. At the end of that time, you’d have written 182 pages, which is a respectable book. Writing a book isn’t very hard, but writing it well is far more difficult. This will take studying, reading about how to write, and feedback from other people who can look at your work with a fresh eye. Still, if you really want to write a book, plan a date to begin. Someday never happens.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/16/2012
Please understand that everything I suggest will not be exactly right for you. You are free to pick and chose what will work for you, and what won’t. I’ve had people tell me that putting themselves in control didn’t work for them, and they need to give control to another person or to God. I’ve had people who are trying to get over obsessive behaviors tell me that list writing had become an uncontrollable obsession for them. If your goal is to stop writing lists, then please disregard my advice to keep a list. People in early recovery often need to avoid their drug of choice (which isn’t limited to drugs, but rather refers to your specific problem area) just one day at a time, or sometimes one minute at a time. In short, use what works for you, and disregard what doesn’t.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/14/2012
Here is one more real life example relating to goal setting. Imagine you are building a house. One of the first things you will do before building is to draw a blueprint and floor plan. You wouldn’t even consider building a house without a plan, but what is more important to you, your house or your life?
Your life is far too important to just drift without a plan. Drifting without a plan often leads people into serious problems such as drug addiction, depression, anxiety, psychiatric hospitalization, and incarceration. Making a habit of regularly setting goals for yourself is essential to recovery. Living one day at a time is living only one day away from a relapse, and is an ill-advised long-term recovery plan.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/12/2012
The second part is to set a time to achieve your goal. I hear too many people saying, “someday I want to write a book,” or “someday I want to change my bad habit,” but someday never comes. If you want to set a goal, you need to start your plan today. For example, today I will take a step from the floor to the first step. Tomorrow I will step onto the second step. In ten days I will reach the top of the stairs.
I also suggest that you write down your goals to help you stay focused on your plan. It’s far easier to remember your goals if they are written down and kept in a place where you will see them often. I often write my goals in the form of a to-do list that I check as I accomplish each goal. Every time I cross off another item on the list, it’s like giving myself a pat on the back for doing a good job. You might want to try this suggestion, or to establish your own plan instead. I have confidence that you will find your best path towards goal setting. However, whether you actively set goals or not, your life is going to change with time. How much better it is to use a map and plan your route than to just drive around making random turns and getting nowhere.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/10/2012
January is the official time for looking at your life and setting resolutions or goals to make this year better. We do it every year, and every year those resolutions end up being given up or forgotten almost as quickly as they were made. The problem isn’t that you aren’t able to keep resolutions, you have made more in your life than you realize, but that you don’t know how to set up a plan to follow-through and stay on track.
Many people ask why they should even make a goal. “Life is going along all right,” they tell me. I have heard this from people who were depressed, anxious, addicted to drugs or alcohol, on probation or house arrest, their family and partner want nothing to do with them, and they were recently fired from their job and worried that they will soon be homeless. “Goals are the last thing I need to worry about,” they tell me.
So why do you need goals anyway? You aren’t in such a bad situation.
“My life is going along okay. Besides, I might get run over by a truck and die tomorrow. Can you guarantee that I won’t die tomorrow?”
Of course not, but that question is a tactic, or manipulation to go off track, rather than taking responsibility to improve your life. You might die, but then again, you might live to be a hundred, and without goals, what will you have accomplished in your life?
Image that you are on a ship that capsizes. If you can’t see land, you might start swimming, but most likely you’ll only swim in a large circle and get nowhere. Now suppose that you can see a sliver of land in the distance. Reaching that land will now become your goal. You will start swimming towards the land. There is no guarantee that you will make it. You might become exhausted and drown, or a shark may make you it’s dinner, but you’re better off trying to reach the land than staying in the middle of the ocean going nowhere. You might swim for a while and then see another island closer than the first. In that case, you most likely will change your goal and swim for the closer land.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/9/2012
Goals are never written in concrete, and may be changed as needed. Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb, had hundreds of failed attempts before he finally succeeded. However, we don’t remember Edison for his failures, which have been forgotten, but for his successes.
You might not accomplish your goal because you don’t know how to establish one, but once you know how, it isn’t hard to set goals and follow through. The key points to goal setting include having a measurable goal and setting a date.
I’d like you to picture your goal, or resolution, as a staircase. You are at the bottom of the stairs, and your goal is on the top step. You can’t do this in one step, but need to climb those steps, one at a time, until you reach the top. Too many of us look at the top step and say, “I can never jump that high. Getting to the top of that is impossible for me. I’ll just give it up.” You are right, no one can jump the height of a flight of stairs, but you don’t have to be able to jump a flight a stairs to reach the top. You only need to lift your foot enough to reach one stair. That, you can do easily. Reaching your goal must be done one step at a time.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/7/2012
Welcome to another year! You have opened this blog for various reasons, possibly out of curiosity, or maybe as part of a class. Hopefully, you are reading this because you are interested in what I have to say, and you are trying to make changes in your life. You may be reading this blog because you realize that you have a problem in your life and want help to recover.
I want to assure you that you are NOT powerless over your thoughts, moods or addictions. You make a choice to eat too much, drink too much, use illegal drugs, take too many prescription pills, have irresponsible sex, gamble more than you can afford, wash your hands too much, obsessively pray, excessively shop, or exercise to an extreme.
Even feelings such as depression and anxiety are within your control, although you may not yet be aware of how you choose your problems. Many things that are normal and healthy become a problem if done to excess, but you are powerful, and you have the ability within yourself to make changes. For the most part, your life is manageable. You have family, friendships and possibly a relationship. You function in work or school, have hobbies, and pay your bills. Having a problem doesn’t mean that your life is unmanageable. If the truth be known, there is not a person alive who doesn’t have some kind of problem. The fact that you are reading this shows the power and control that you have in your life. You have decided that certain parts of your life need changes and you are managing the changes that you need to make.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/7/2012
January is the official time for looking at your life and setting resolutions or goals to make this year better. We do it every year, and every year those resolutions end up being given up or forgotten almost as quickly as they were made. The problem isn’t that you aren’t able to keep resolutions, you have made more in your life than you realize, but that you don’t know how to set up a plan to follow-through and stay on track.
Many people ask why they should even make a goal. “Life is going along all right,” they tell me. I have heard this from people who were depressed, anxious, addicted to drugs or alcohol, on probation or house arrest, their family and partner want nothing to do with them, and they were recently fired from their job and worried that they will soon be homeless. “Goals are the last thing I need to worry about,” they tell me.
So why do you need goals anyway? You aren’t in such a bad situation.
“My life is going along okay. Besides, I might get run over by a truck and die tomorrow. Can you guarantee that I won’t die tomorrow?”
Of course not, but that question is a tactic, or manipulation to go off track, rather than taking responsibility to improve your life. You might die, but then again, you might live to be a hundred, and without goals, what will you have accomplished in your life?
Image that you are on a ship that capsizes. If you can’t see land, you might start swimming, but most likely you’ll only swim in a large circle and get nowhere. Now suppose that you can see a sliver of land in the distance. Reaching that land will now become your goal. You will start swimming towards the land. There is no guarantee that you will make it. You might become exhausted and drown, or a shark may make you it’s dinner, but you’re better off trying to reach the land than staying in the middle of the ocean going nowhere. You might swim for a while and then see another island closer than the first. In that case, you most likely will change your goal and swim for the closer land.
written by Linda Falkner on 1/1/2012
Cheer Counseling has a new website, and we will have many new programs starting this year! I’ll be posting regularly on this site with helpful information. January I will be talking about goal setting (how to make and follow your resolutions), February and Valentines day is a given for talking about improved relationships. With many people out of work, I promise to address what I (and other employers) look for when hiring someone. Check back soon — and have a wonderful new year. Cheer Counseling serves the Brandon and Tampa Bay area, including Riverview, Tampa, Temple Terrace, Valrico, Bloomingdale, Fish Hawk, Plant City and surrounding areas.