I hope evey one has a wonderful summer. Kids are out of school and begining new activities – camp, activities, etc. Cheer Counseling will continue seeing children over the summer, and helping prepare kids for a successful upcoming year.
It depends. If you have been diagnosed as an alcoholic, the answer is almost always “no.” Alcoholics who try to cut down on drinking rarely succeed. Cutting out alcohol—that is, abstaining—is usually the best course for recovery. People who are not alcohol dependent but who have experienced alcohol-related problems may be able to limit the amount they drink. If they can’t stay within those limits, they need to stop drinking altogether.
(Adapted from: http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/FAQs/General-English/Pages/default.aspx#experience)
Depression is diagnosed when five or more of the following symptoms of depression are present for most of the day, nearly every day for at least 2 weeks. At least one of the symptoms must be either persistent sad or “empty” feelings or loss of interest in activities.
Symptoms of depression:
Constant sadness
Irritability
Hopelessness
Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
Trouble sleeping
Low energy or fatigue
Significant weight change
Cheer Counseling can help relieve depression. Give us a call and we will set up an appointment with you. We have surprisingly affordable rates.
Like pre-marital counseling, family therapy can also be useful as a preventative technique to teach members how to handle adversity before it begins. For example, newly blended families that have children from previous marriages may benefit from family therapy to help all family members learn how to live together respectfully.
Because the family is such an important part of a person’s social support network, family therapy can be crucial for families in which there is illness or other similar problems. In general, the better a family functions, the lower the stress level for the person with health problems. Adults who grew up in poorly functioning families as children may benefit from individual therapy that uses family therapy concepts, especially as they begin to form their own nuclear families.
Parenting counseling or classes is another important element of family therapy. Parenting is hard work and can bring out a whole range of emotions and changes in a family or marriage – some great, some not. A marriage and family therapist can help parents and children talk through important issues and learn the necessary skills to develop a healthy supportive relationship. http://www.therapytribe.com/therapy/Marriage_Counseling_Family_Couples.html
Rather than blaming the other and starting conversations with poisonous words such as you and should, focus on talking about YOURSELF. NO this isn’t selfish, this is the path to good communication. Stop telling your partner what he/she believes, and rather, share how you feel. Use words such as I feel, I think, I need, I wish, I prefer etc. Here is an example:
I came home today and saw the sink full of dishes. I’m feeling upset because it was clean when I left. I would feel better if I came home and found the sink clean. You may not get what you want, but at least you are communicating without starting a fight, and you are sharing your feelings and needs. Many couples whom I have worked with have found that changing the way they talk to each other makes a huge difference in their marriage.
When I see couples, I like to work on communication. Poor communication is one of the biggest problems in any marriage. Words to avoid because they are poisonous to a marriage include:
YOU, SHOULD, ALWAYS, NEVER, WHY, NAME CALLING, SARCASM, TELLING THE OTHER PERSON WHAT THEY THINK (MIND READING),
A sample conversation using these words:
You should do the dishes. You never do the dishes. You always leave a mess. Why can’t you do your own dishes even once? You are a lazy pig. You’re the king/queen of the world. You think I’m just here to be your servant.
REALLY? Watch your language. If these words are regular visitors in your home, send them packing. Tomorrow I’ll share improved communication techniques.
Therapists have different philosophies. Some therapists see relationship work as generally being intended to preserve a relationship, unless there is very serious, prolonged abuse or infidelity. Other therapists believe that dissolving relationships is often best, and are more apt to allow the therapy process to unfold naturally without a predetermined goal of “saving” the relationship. Healthy relationships are mostly full of joy and peace. Ending one that is not might be the healthy choice, even if it is difficult.
Despite these different approaches, therapists as a rule respect client self-determination. Most relationship counselors will neither recommend preserving nor dissolving a relationship; instead, they will help each partner communicate more clearly their needs, thoughts, and emotions, and listen more carefully to the other partner, and they will help the couple as a couple, by supporting the goals the couple agrees to—whether the goal is to “stay together forever,” “stop fighting”, “make the transition to being friends”, or just “learn more about each other and ourselves.”
This quote comes from a drug advertisement. These drugs only cover-up symptoms. The DO NOT CURE depression. Therapy helps you look at yourself and learn what you do to foster depression. Most of all, it helps you learn what you need to do to relieve depression forever so you won’t need to take drugs:
Suicidality and Antidepressant Drugs
Antidepressants increased the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior in children, teens, and young adults. Depression and certain other psychiatric disorders are themselves associated with increases in the risk of suicide. Patients of all ages who are started on antidepressant therapy or when the dose is changed should be monitored appropriately and observed closely for clinical worsening, suicidality, or unusual changes in behavior such as becoming agitated, irritable, hostile, aggressive, impulsive, or restless. Should these occur, report them to a doctor right away. PRISTIQ is not approved for use in children under 18.
December 24, 2012, 12:00 PM
By PHILIPPA PERRY
The only difference between sane people and mad people is that you haven’t really got to know the sane people all that well yet. Our families might be amongst the maddest people we know because they are the people we know best. And they know you best too.
A normal way of dealing with craziness is to disown it and assume it is the other who is at fault and not ourselves. I have certainly been guilty of believing I’m the sane one and thinking I’m being driven mad by those around me, as though the madness created between us has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. So the first bit of advice on how to stay sane in the holidays is to own your own lunacy, without being tempted to dump all the craziness onto your relations.
If you really don’t like your family at all, then you are surely crazy to abide by the convention that you should spend time with them. Perhaps to opt for some “me time,” or join a group of congenial friends? Just don’t complain when you’re cut out of the will or you find yourself re-enacting your familial dysfunction with your friends.
But if you do want to spend time with your family despite the threat you make to each other’s state of mind, here is a holiday role-play game: The idea, without of course having any awareness of what you’re doing, is that you take on the role of either a victim, a rescuer or a persecutor. The Victim plays the role of being hard done by, then the Persecutor tells them off and the Rescuer tries to make everything all right. The Rescuer then becomes resentful that their efforts aren’t appreciated and they can then opt for playing the Victim or the Persecutor role, or even if they are very skilled, persecuting from the Victim position, the Persecutor gets fed up with being ineffective and becomes a Victim and the Rescuer explodes and becomes the Persecutor. You only need two people to play this game and you can have up to a house load of players and it’s suitable for all ages. The main thing is to be unaware of what you are all doing, blame all others for how you feel and add another layer of resentment every time you switch roles.
Here is a good example of how a game might play out:
Mother has a headache as she has being over-working to get everything nice for everyone. (rescuing)
She has taken to the sofa and is applying eau de cologne to her temples in a manner bound to get everyone’s attention. (victim)
Father rushes in to help by taking over the preparations for the meal. (rescuer)
Mother complains that he’s not “doing it right.” (persecutor)
Father throws down his apron. (victim)
Sister-in-law takes over dinner. (rescuer)
No one appreciates sister-in-law’s efforts and she starts to feel unhappy and gets a headache. (victim)
It’s a power game of blaming other people and not being responsible for your own responses. The winning position is Victim as it seems that however loudly the Persecutor may shout and however martyrish the Rescuer manages to be, the Victim holds the power. Maybe that’s something to do with how effective this role is in making everyone else seem guilty.
The content can be different but notice the process of what happens with the charged encounters in your own family and have fun telling everyone what role you are all taking which will possibly be a cunning way of adding another layer of persecution.
If you want to stop the game, your job is not to take the role you feel pushed into but instead to listen carefully to everyone and reflect back to them what you heard and asked them if you got it right. You don’t necessarily have to agree with what they said but reflecting back what you hear can calm a situation down, especially if you manage to keep that sarcastic tone out of your voice. Have a practice: “I see, you think I have parked the car very badly. Thank you for letting me know.”
Wasn’t that hard, was it?
Happy Holidays!
Philippa Perry is a psychotherapist and a writer. Her latest book is “How to Stay Sane,” published by Picador.
A History of the New Year
A move from March to January
by Borgna Brunner
The celebration of the new year on January 1st is a relatively new phenomenon. The earliest recording of a new year celebration is believed to have been in Mesopotamia, c. 2000 B.C. and was celebrated around the time of the vernal equinox, in mid-March. A variety of other dates tied to the seasons were also used by various ancient cultures. The Egyptians, Phoenicians, and Persians began their new year with the fall equinox, and the Greeks celebrated it on the winter solstice.
Early Roman Calendar: March 1st Rings in the New Year
The early Roman calendar designated March 1 as the new year. The calendar had just ten months, beginning with March. That the new year once began with the month of March is still reflected in some of the names of the months. September through December, our ninth through twelfth months, were originally positioned as the seventh through tenth months (septem is Latin for “seven,” octo is “eight,” novem is “nine,” and decem is “ten.”
January Joins the Calendar
The first time the new year was celebrated on January 1st was in Rome in 153 B.C. (In fact, the month of January did not even exist until around 700 B.C., when the second king of Rome, Numa Pontilius, added the months of January and February.) The new year was moved from March to January because that was the beginning of the civil year, the month that the two newly elected Roman consuls—the highest officials in the Roman republic—began their one-year tenure. But this new year date was not always strictly and widely observed, and the new year was still sometimes celebrated on March 1.
Julian Calendar: January 1st Officially Instituted as the New Year
In 46 B.C. Julius Caesar introduced a new, solar-based calendar that was a vast improvement on the ancient Roman calendar, which was a lunar system that had become wildly inaccurate over the years. The Julian calendar decreed that the new year would occur with January 1, and within the Roman world, January 1 became the consistently observed start of the new year.
Middle Ages: January 1st Abolished
In medieval Europe, however, the celebrations accompanying the new year were considered pagan and unchristian like, and in 567 the Council of Tours abolished January 1 as the beginning of the year. At various times and in various places throughout medieval Christian Europe, the new year was celebrated on Dec. 25, the birth of Jesus; March 1; March 25, the Feast of the Annunciation; and Easter.
Gregorian Calendar: January 1st Restored
In 1582, the Gregorian calendar reform restored January 1 as new year’s day. Although most Catholic countries adopted the Gregorian calendar almost immediately, it was only gradually adopted among Protestant countries. The British, for example, did not adopt the reformed calendar until 1752. Until then, the British Empire —and their American colonies— still celebrated the new year in March.
Read more: A History of the New Year — Infoplease.com http://www.infoplease.com/spot/newyearhistory.html#ixzz2FllgY0qY
So often we act as though we can read our partner’s mind. But we can’t. Even couples who have been married for a very long time aren’t as good at mind reading as they think they are. Besides, it’s very annoying to have someone tell you what you think. It’s a great way to start a fight though. Avoid saying I know you think…, you only want…., you don’t care about …, you want me to fail…, etc.
Replace mind reading – I know what you’re thinking, with an honest question. What are you thinking, which do you prefer etc. Avoid sarcasm, ask an honest question, and then listen to the answer.
Sarcasm – this is poisonous to any relationship. Rather than communicating, you are putting down or making fun of the other person. Avoid being sarcastic at all costs – it could cost you your marriage if you don’t. Replace sarcasm with being respectful and caring to your partner.
Merry Christmas! Have a wonderful day with family or friends. Here is a discussion from the History Channel about the history of the Christmas tree.
How It All Got Started
Long before the advent of Christianity, plants and trees that remained green all year had a special meaning for people in the winter. Just as people today decorate their homes during the festive season with pine, spruce, and fir trees, ancient peoples hung evergreen boughs over their doors and windows. In many countries it was believed that evergreens would keep away witches, ghosts, evil spirits, and illness.
In the Northern hemisphere, the shortest day and longest night of the year falls on December 21 or December 22 and is called the winter solstice. Many ancient people believed that the sun was a god and that winter came every year because the sun god had become sick and weak. They celebrated the solstice because it meant that at last the sun god would begin to get well. Evergreen boughs reminded them of all the green plants that would grow again when the sun god was strong and summer would return.
The ancient Egyptians worshipped a god called Ra, who had the head of a hawk and wore the sun as a blazing disk in his crown. At the solstice, when Ra began to recover from the illness, the Egyptians filled their homes with green palm rushes which symbolized for them the triumph of life over death.
Early Romans marked the solstice with a feast called the Saturnalia in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. The Romans knew that the solstice meant that soon farms and orchards would be green and fruitful. To mark the occasion, they decorated their homes and temples with evergreen boughs. In Northern Europe the mysterious Druids, the priests of the ancient Celts, also decorated their temples with evergreen boughs as a symbol of everlasting life. The fierce Vikings in Scandinavia thought that evergreens were the special plant of the sun god, Balder.
Germany is credited with starting the Christmas tree tradition as we now know it in the 16th century when devout Christians brought decorated trees into their homes. Some built Christmas pyramids of wood and decorated them with evergreens and candles if wood was scarce. It is a widely held belief that Martin Luther, the 16th-century Protestant reformer, first added lighted candles to a tree. Walking toward his home one winter evening, composing a sermon, he was awed by the brilliance of stars twinkling amidst evergreens. To recapture the scene for his family, he erected a tree in the main room and wired its branches with lighted candles.
Most 19th-century Americans found Christmas trees an oddity. The first record of one being on display was in the 1830s by the German settlers of Pennsylvania, although trees had been a tradition in many German homes much earlier. The Pennsylvania German settlements had community trees as early as 1747. But, as late as the 1840s Christmas trees were seen as pagan symbols and not accepted by most Americans.
It is not surprising that, like many other festive Christmas customs, the tree was adopted so late in America. To the New England Puritans, Christmas was sacred. The pilgrims’s second governor, William Bradford, wrote that he tried hard to stamp out “pagan mockery” of the observance, penalizing any frivolity. The influential Oliver Cromwell preached against “the heathen traditions” of Christmas carols, decorated trees, and any joyful expression that desecrated “that sacred event.” In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts enacted a law making any observance of December 25 (other than a church service) a penal offense; people were fined for hanging decorations. That stern solemnity continued until the 19th century, when the influx of German and Irish immigrants undermined the Puritan legacy.
In 1846, the popular royals, Queen Victoria and her German Prince, Albert, were sketched in the Illustrated London News standing with their children around a Christmas tree. Unlike the previous royal family, Victoria was very popular with her subjects, and what was done at court immediately became fashionable—not only in Britain, but with fashion-conscious East Coast American Society. The Christmas tree had arrived.
By the 1890s Christmas ornaments were arriving from Germany and Christmas tree popularity was on the rise around the U.S. It was noted that Europeans used small trees about four feet in height, while Americans liked their Christmas trees to reach from floor to ceiling.
The early 20th century saw Americans decorating their trees mainly with homemade ornaments, while the German-American sect continued to use apples, nuts, and marzipan cookies. Popcorn joined in after being dyed bright colors and interlaced with berries and nuts. Electricity brought about Christmas lights, making it possible for Christmas trees to glow for days on end. With this, Christmas trees began to appear in town squares across the country and having a Christmas tree in the home became an American tradition.
Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree
The Rockefeller Center tree is located at Rockefeller Center, west of Fifth Avenue from 47th through 51st Streets in New York City.
The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree dates back to the Depression Era days. The tallest tree displayed at Rockefeller Center came in 1948 and was a Norway Spruce that measured in at 100 feet tall and hailed from Killingworth, Connecticut.
The first tree at Rockefeller Center was placed in 1931. It was a small unadorned tree placed by construction workers at the center of the construction site. Two years later, another tree was placed there, this time with lights. These days, the giant Rockefeller Center tree is laden with over 25,000 Christmas lights. http://www.history.com/topics/history-of-christmas-trees
As a counselor, one of the most common problems I hear is “He made me angry, she upset me, etc.” The truth is, you make yourself angry, or you upset yourself. Nobody else has the power over your brain to make you feel any way at all. When someone disappoints you, or doesn’t follow your (internal, unspoken) rules, then you make yourself upset. You feel that they violated you or disrespected you by not doing what they “should” do. You then let them into your head, and invite them to stay there like an unwelcome guest. You provide free rent in your head by allowing others to control your emotions.
Take control by first changing your vocabulary. Instead of saying "he made me angry. Tell yourself. I am angry at what he did. Understand that YOU CHOOSE to be angry, upset, irritated, depressed, anxious etc. You also choose to feel happy, joyful, caring, loving etc. The power of your feelings and emotions is within you. Don’t give it away.
Additional words that people use to fight include Always, Never and Why.
Always and never are probably untrue, but they are attacking, especially when preceded with “YOU.”
Example: You always come home late. You never come home on time. You are setting up a fight with these words.
It’s probably not true that your partner is ALWAYS late, but this is a great way to start an argument.
How about trying using an I message — I worry that you might have gotten into an accident when you come home late from work. Please call me if you’re running late so I won’t be worried.
WHY – Here is another major attack word. Why did you come home late? Why is dinner cold? Why are you wearing those clothes. Again, express yourself by talking about what you are thinking and feeling. Rather than asking why. Try saying:
You are home later than I expected. Please tell me about it. Now that you have asked – listen to the answer. Spend more time really listening, and less time trying to figure out what you want to say next.
Should — Here is a word that is destructive for communication. It’s not just the word Should, but any word that commands a person to do something. I don’t mean, I should take a shower every morning. I mean it as a command that is connected to emotional upset. The actual Should word may be: have to, must, need to, supposed to, or ought to. It’s any word that could be said with you waggling your index finger at the other person. Notice that these “should words” also start with YOU, which is a word that you’re working on removing from your conversation. YOU SHOULD… This is a great way to put someone down or start a fight. Over the next week, I’d like to challenge you to pay attention to how often you make demands/shoulds on yourself or on others. Try using I words such as I feel, I think, I need etc instead of “you should.”
There are several words that couples use to fight with each other (also with children). The words to watch out for are You, Should (must, have to, any finger waggling word), always, never, why, mind reading, name calling, sarcasm, and blaming others for your feelings. I’ll be discussing each word in more detail in future posts. Today I was to discuss the word YOU.
You is the word you use to attack another person. Try calling someone a name without starting with You are a… You see how difficult this would be. Turn it around and express your own feelings or thoughts. I feel upset NOT You make me upset. For the next few days, concentrate on expressing yourself by avoiding YOU and replacing it with I. I feel…, I think…, I need…, I see…, I wish…, I prefer…, etc. Beware, don’t start a sentence with I and then go into a You sentence.
Examples: AVOID: You didn’t do the dishes. You are a pig. OR When I walk in the room and see dishes, I feel you are a pig.
TRY THIS INSTEAD: When I walk in the room and see dishes I feel upset.
When you replace You with I, you’ll find people around you will be more cooperative, and you’ll have better communication. I’ll post more next week – I want to give you time to practice this.
Recently, I had a woman married 60 years talk to me about a slight in how her mother-in-law treated her on their wedding day. SIXTY years later, she is still angry. Her husband has no memory of the event, and her mother-in-law is long dead, but she’s holding onto the anger. Many couples come to counseling fighting about something that happened before they were married or something that happened on their wedding day. Give it up already – let the past stay in the past, and move into the present. You have enough to do dealing with your present problems.
Imagine these 2 scenarios. The couple had discussed purchasing a refrigerator a few months earlier when a big sale was advertised, but decided that they couldn’t afford it. Now they come home from work and find the refrigerator has died. Water is dripping out all over the floor and the food is getting warm.
1. Darn, you should have listened to me. Why didn’t you let me get a new refrigerator when they were on sale? You never listen. You think you know so much more than me. You’re such a jerk. You always… Remember on our wedding day when your mother….
STOP – What is happening to the food while they argue over an old fight that can’t be changed, and has nothing to do with solving the present problem. Now lets try it a new way, staying in the present.
2. Darn, the refrigerator has died. Can you go to the store and get some ice for the cooler while I look in the paper for sales? It’s not too late to go out tonight and buy a new one.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Now that we’re into Turkey left-overs and the Holiday shopping season, tension and stress begins to take it’s effect on marriages and relationships. Too many people are coming for couples counseling after the marriage is effectively over. They are using counseling to say “look, we tried everything, even counseling.” Please come earlier and get help before it’s too late. It’s important that you get counseling before one or both people have withdrawn and decided that there is no more chance to fix the relationship. When that is the situation, then the only thing counseling can do is to help them separate peacefully, and to help the couple move on with their lives without excessive emotional trauma. Over the next month, I will be discussing marital problems and how to improve communication. See you later!
Dr. Phil on Spanking
The Cons
Long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.
Weaker associations for spanking such as a failure to learn right from wrong, subsequent criminal behavior, mental illness, and child or spouse abuse as adults, have also been suggested.
Physical punishment can send mixed messages to a child and reinforce aggressive behavior. When parents model aggressive behaviors by spanking, they reinforce the idea that physical aggression is the way to get what you want.
Spanking is associated with a poorer relationship between the parent and child. Children who were spanked feel less attached to their parents and less trusting of them. The more the child was spanked, the less close the parent/child relationship.
In general, spanking can lead to emotional and behavioral problems, increased aggression, and use of violence to solve problems. Although many adults were spanked as children and do not view any negative consequences in their own lives attributed to spanking, it may be different for their children. Non-physical punishments take more work from parents but are also healthier options for the children. — http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/02/24/negative-consequences-of-spanking/
Linda on Spanking: I find that my clients with substance abuse, depression, anxiety and anger problems were nearly always spanked as children. Spanking can range from being hit with a hand to a belt, stick, whip or shoe etc. Spanking doesn’t change behaviors, but it does lead to lying, sneaking so as not to get caught, anger and disrespect towards the spanker, and later problems in life. Consider this, if you did it to a neighbor and it would be called battery, then it’s even worse battery to do on a child who may weigh one tenth of what you weigh. Hitting in any form in never okay. Start teaching this to your children through your own behavior.
“It just may help that you alter you current response with your kids. And here’s a big reason why: Researchers are seeing this phenomenon of “parental hovering” (aka micro-managing, overparenting or helicoptering) as a dangerous trend when it comes to how our kids turn out. The long and the short is: If we keep the hovering we’ll rob our kids of an essential trait for L.I.F.E. called self-reliance!"
And Dr. Borba is definitely onto something. The ramifications of helicopter parenting are far reaching. Take a recent poll conducted by Harris Interactive for the National Endowment for Financial Education. It showed that 40 percent of American adults aged 18-39 reside at home or have done so in the recent past. That figure also excludes students.
Even more disturbing is the fact that 26 percent of parents with adult children living at home have incurred their own debt to support these adult children, with 7 percent delaying retirement.
While it may seem like a giant leap to take, the point is it’s never too early to teach your children to be independent. You want your children to be able to stand on their own two feet so they can make the transition from impressionable children to responsible adults.
ALTHOUGH IT’S VERY IMPORTANT TO BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILDREN, IT’S ALSO NECESSARY TO ALLOW THEM TO GROW, LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES, AND TAKE ON INCREASING ADULT ROLES:
The term “helicopter parent” was actually coined in the 1990 self-help guide Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility. It’s frequently used to describe those parents who sweep in to rescue their children from the perils of higher education. For some, it’s hard to believe that parents would actually appeal to a college professor on behalf of their young adult offspring, but it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.
This trend begins long before teens ever don their cap and gown and head off to college. It’s a behavior that we as adults begin even in the earliest stages of parenting. However, helicopter parenting can have some serious implications on our children. While it might seem like we are doing our children a favor at the time, that couldn’t be further from the truth. What we’re essentially creating are children who are reliant on us for everything.
Also check out…
Fast Fixes for Mom Mistakes
Is It Okay to Spoil Your Kids?
Perfect Your Parenting Skills
Parents, Kids and Time Alone
Are You An Attentive Parent?
Parenting expert and educational psychologist Michele Borba addresses the trend of helicopter parenting on her personal Web site, www.micheleborba.com. On her blog, the author of No More Misbehavin’ and Don’t Give Me That Attitude points out that children will continue to sink if you don’t teach them to swim. Dr. Borba writes, "Look down the road at the big picture. If you keep on with any hovering behavior now, how will your kids turn out later? Every once in a while, we need to fast forward your parenting and think ahead.
http://www.mydailymoment.com/moms/parenting/3_things_you_should_never_do_for_your_kids.php?page=2
Children need you to be there. I’ve heard people say quality over quantity, and while it’s important to spend quality time with your children, they also need to spend a lot of time with their parents – especially babies and preschoolers. Even school aged and teenagers have a need for their parents to be attentive, and to be there for them. We all have busy lives, but make sure your children have a high priority for your time. It isn’t long before they are grown and gone. You can never get back time that was missed, so enjoy every moment you have to spend with your precious (and often frustrating) children.
DON’T Fight in Front of the Kids or within their hearing – Calling your spouse names, yelling, pushing, hitting, breaking objects, punching walls, and threatening him or her in front of your children can have negative physiological effects. Kids who witness this may act out in fear, run away, seek dangerous coping techniques like drugs or alcohol and may think it’s acceptable to treat your spouse or other people in this manner. Children who grow up in violent homes may learn to seek out partners who will abuse them, or may become abusive themselves. If you are in a divorce situation, do your best to avoid bringing the children into your fight.
Set a Good Example – Cutting in line, lying, cursing and stealing in front of your children sets a bad example. Parents are your child’s first teacher and your actions make a huge impressions. Children are paying attention even when they don’t seem to be. They are extremely impressionable and will mimic bad behavior from adults.
Don’t Always Take Their Side – Children need to experience the results of their behaviors. When a teacher or other adult reports an act of misbehavior take it seriously. You don’t always need to take your child’s side, and you don’t need to “fix” the problem for your child. Some parents have the impression that their children can do no wrong. It’s essential to emphasize the important role of teachers, police and other adults. Observe problems and let children work it out themselves when ever possible, but if your child is always getting into fights or having problems, don’t continue blaming other children for his/her bad behavior. Children need to learn that they are not above the rules and that mistakes have consequences. Support your child but don’t give him the message that anything he does is okay.
Lack of Discipline – If your child acts up, throws a fit or bullies another child, you do nothing. Lack of discipline in parenting often stems from not wanting to look “mean.” Many parents don’t know the correct way to discipline a child, so they choose to do nothing instead.
This type of ghost parenting can lead to serious problems. Children thrive with boundaries and rules for interactions with others. Without consequences, the line between good and bad can become blurred or even non-existent.
What to do instead: Set clear and consistent rules and consequences for your child. Make sure that the consequence is related to what the child did. If a child has a temper tantrum in the store, leave the store immediately. Do NOT reward the child with candy or a toy for his misbehavior. It’s so much easier to give in and buy the child what he wants, but this establishes bad behaviors. Your child learns how to control you. Do not wait until you get home and make him sit in a time-out. It’s just not related to what he did, so it won’t change his behaviors, just leave him feeling angry and resentful. Remember Discipline = teaching, punishment = hurting.
If a child throws a toy, by all means take the toy away, but if he is doing something unrelated to the toy, leave it be and find something CONNECTED to what he is doing.
Natural and logical consequences are the best way for people to learn.
These are consequences given by nature. There is never any discussion, second warnings, or negotiating with nature. If you go out in the rain, you will get wet. If you climb a tree and let go, you will fall and suffer the consequences of that fall, etc. Other natural consequences include going to the potty so you don’t have wet pants, picking up your room so you can find your toys, etc. When a consequence comes from nature it’s the best way of learning. When ever possible, let your child experience the consequences of his/her behavior. Of course, this isn’t always possible due to safety reasons. You wouldn’t want to let your toddler get burned to learn not to touch the stove, or get hit by a car to learn not to ride a bike in the street.
When natural consequences can’t be used due to safety or other reasons, the next best way of changing behavior is Logical consequences. When you tell a child “you need to set the table so we can eat,” you are using logical consequences. When a child needs to stay home to finish homework before playing with friends, that is a logical consequence. If your toddler throws food, remove the food, or remove him from the table. There is no reason to hit, yet, spank, or put the child in time-out. Any of these punishments will distract the child from thinking about what HE did, and turn the focus towards feeling angry at you. A child learns best from his experiences. When children fight, it’s best to ignore them as long as no one is going to get hurt. If one is much bigger than another or you fear injury, they need to be separated, but don’t hoover over your children. Give them a chance to work it out themselves.
I often have parents come in at their wits end because their children don’t respond to any form of punishment. I’m not surprised because it’s well known that punishment isn’t effective in changing behaviors in the long run. A child who is punished may change immediately out of fear, but the long term effects of PUNISHMENT do NOT result in behavioral changes. However, there is an alternative: DISCIPLINE.
The purpose of punishment is to hurt the child. This can include spanking or other form of physical treatment such as pinching, pulling hair etc. or less physical punishments such as taking away things a child likes, restrictions, time-outs. If the purpose is to make the child unhappy or uncomfortable, it qualifies as punishment.
The purpose of Discipline is to TEACH the child correct behaviors. It is not meant to hurt, but to teach. The goal of discipline is to help the child learn new ways of acting. Discipline is based on natural and logical consequences. Check back tomorrow for more on logical and logical consequences – an effective way to change and improve your children’s behaviors (works with adults too!).
Hi everyone. I’m back. I’ve been really busy the past few weeks with all the exciting and new support groups forming this school year. I will be back to blogging regularly. I’ve got a lot of interesting topics in mind from child discipline to anxiety and depression problems. Check back regularly to see the newest news from Cheer Counseling.
Germs and bacteria surround us everywhere. Luckily, our immune system is designed to protect our bodies from the scores of foreign substances that can make us sick. Drinking too much alcohol weakens the immune system, making your body a much easier target for disease. Understanding the effect alcohol can have on your immune system can inform the decisions you make about drinking alcohol.
KNOW THE FACTS:
Your immune system is often compared to an army. This army defends your body from infection and disease. Your skin and the mucous that lines your respiratory and gastrointestinal tracts help block bacteria from entering or staying in your body. If foreign substances somehow make it through these barriers, your immune system kicks into gear with two defensive systems: innate and adaptive.
The innate system exists in your body before you are exposed to foreign substances like bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites. These substances, which are called antigens, can invade your body and make you sick. The components of the innate system include:
WHITE BLOOD CELLS – White blood cells form your first line of defense against infection.They surround and swallow foreign bodies quickly.
NATURAL KILLER (NK) CELLS – Natural Killers are special white blood cells that detect and destroy cells infected with cancer or viruses.
CYTOKINES – White blood cells send out these chemical messengers directly to an infected site. Cytokines trigger inflammatory responses, like dilating blood vessels and increasing blood flow to the affected area. They also call on more white blood cells to swarm an infected area.
The adaptive system kicks in after you are exposed to an infection for the first time. The next time you encounter the same infection, your adaptive system fights it off even faster and more efficiently than the first time. The components of the adaptive system include:
T-LYMPHOCYTE CELLS – T-cells reinforce the work of white blood cells by targeting individual foreign substances.T-cells can identify and destroy a vast array of bacteria and viruses.They can also kill infected cells and secrete cytokines.
B-LYMPHOCYTE CELLS – B-cells produce antibodies that fight off harmful substances by sticking to them and making them stand out to other immune cells.
ANTIBODIES – After B-cells encounter antigens, they produce antibodies.These are proteins that target specific antigens and then remember how to combat the antigen.
KNOW THE RISKS:
Alcohol suppresses both the innate and the adaptive immune systems. Chronic alcohol use reduces the ability of white blood cells to effectively engulf and swallow harmful bacteria. Excessive drinking also disrupts the production of cytokines, causing your body to either produce too much or not enough of these chemical messengers. An abundance of cytokines can damage your tissues, whereas a lack of cytokines leaves you open to infection.
Chronic alcohol use also suppresses the development of T-cells and may impair the ability of NK cells to attack tumor cells. This reduced function makes you more vulnerable to bacteria and viruses, and less capable of destroying cancerous cells.
With a compromised immune system, chronic drinkers are more liable to contract diseases like pneumonia and tuberculosis than people who do not drink too much. There is also data linking alcohol’s damage to the immune system with an increased susceptibility to contracting HIV infection. HIV develops faster in chronic drinkers who already have the virus.
Drinking a lot on a single occasion also can compromise your immune system. Drinking to intoxication can slow your body’s ability to produce cytokines that ward off infections by causing inflammations.Without these inflammatory responses, your body’s ability to defend itself against bacteria is significantly reduced. A recent study shows that slower inflammatory cytokine production can reduce your ability to fight off infections for up to 24 hours after getting drunk.
STILL LOOKING FOR THE BRIGHT SIDE
At this point, scientists do not know whether abstinence, reduced drinking, or other measures will help reverse the effects of alcohol on the immune system. Nevertheless, it is important to keep in mind that avoiding drinking helps minimize the burden on your immune system, particularly if you are fighting a viral or bacterial infection.
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Hangovers/beyondHangovers.htm
KNOW THE RISKS:
Genetics, environment, and lifestyle habits can all heighten your risk of getting cancer. We can’t do anything to change our genes, and we often can’t do much to change our environment. But lifestyle habits are a different story.
Drinking too much alcohol is one lifestyle habit that can increase your risk of developing certain cancers. This does not mean that anyone who drinks too much will develop cancer. But numerous studies do show the more you drink, the more you increase your chances of developing certain types of cancer.
For example, a group of Italy-based scientists reviewed more than 200 studies examining alcohol’s impact on cancer risk.The collective results of these studies clearly demonstrate that the more you drink, the higher your risk for developing a variety of cancers.The National Cancer Institute identifies alcohol as a risk factor for the following types of cancer:
Mouth
Esophagus
Pharynx
Larynx
Liver
Breast
At least 7 out of 10 people with mouth cancer drink heavily. Drinking five or more drinks per day can also increase your risk of developing other types of cancers, including colon or rectal cancer. In fact, summary estimates from the recent World Cancer Research Fund report indicate that women who drink five standard alcohol drinks each day have about 1.2 times the risk of developing colon or rectal cancer than women who do not drink at all.
People who drink are also more likely to smoke, and the combination increases the risk significantly. Smoking alone is a known risk factor for some cancers. But smoking and drinking together intensifies the cancer-causing properties of each substance. The overall effect poses an even greater risk.
The risk of throat and mouth cancers is especially high because alcohol and tobacco both come in direct contact with those areas. Overall, people who drink and smoke are 15 times more likely to develop cancers of the mouth and throat than nondrinkers and nonsmokers. In addition, recent studies estimate that alcohol and tobacco together are responsible for:
80 percent of throat and mouth cancer in men
65 percent of throat and mouth cancer in women
80 percent of esophageal squamous cell carcinoma, a type of esophagus cancer
25 to 30 percent of all liver cancers
WOMEN AND CANCER
One recent, groundbreaking study followed the drinking habits of 1.2 million middle-aged women over 7 years. The study found that alcohol increases women’s chances of developing cancers of the breast,mouth, throat, rectum, liver, and esophagus. The researchers link alcohol to about 13 percent of these cancer cases.
In addition, the study concluded that cancer risk increases no matter how little or what kind of alcohol a woman drinks. Even one drink a day can raise risk, and it continues to rise with each additional drink. While men did not participate in this study, the researchers believe this risk is likely similar for men.
This study also attributes about 11 percent of all breast cancer cases to alcohol. That means that of the 250,000 breast cancer cases diagnosed in the United States in 2008, about 27,000 may stem from alcohol.
KNOW THE REASONS:
Scientists are still trying to figure out exactly how and why alcohol can promote cancer. There are a variety of possible explanations.
One explanation is that alcohol itself is not the primary trigger for cancer.We know that metabolizing, or breaking down, alcohol results in harmful toxins in the body. One of these toxins is called acetylaldehyde. Acetylaldehyde damages the genetic material in cells—and renders the cells incapable of repairing the damage. It also causes cells to grow too quickly, which makes conditions ripe for genetic changes and mistakes. Cancer can develop more easily in cells with damaged genetic material.
In addition, recent animal studies have shown that as cells try to break down alcohol, they cause the body to produce additional amounts of a protein called vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF). VEGF promotes the growth of blood vessels and organ tissue. But, the flip side of having too much VEGF is that it allows blood vessels to grow in cancer cells that would die on their own. This allows the cancer cells to develop into tumors.
We also know that alcohol can damage the liver, causing cirrhosis. Cirrhosis results when too much scar tissue builds up within the liver and leaves it unable to perform its vital functions. One of the many complications that can result from cirrhosis is liver cancer.
Hormones may be the link between alcohol and breast cancer. Alcohol can increase the amounts of some hormones in the body, including estrogen. An excess of estrogen may lead to breast cancer.
Finally, genetics may play a role in preventing some heavy drinkers from developing cancer. A European research team examined 9,000 people with similar lifestyle habits to determine why some of them developed mouth and throat cancers, and some did not. Of the participants who were heavy drinkers, those who did not develop cancers had a particular genetic alteration that enabled them to break down alcohol about 100 times faster than in those without it. The study suggested that this gene is the reason why some people are less likely to develop cancer in response to heavy drinking.
KNOW THERE’S A BRIGHT SIDE
Fortunately, studies show that you can reduce your risk for cancer by drinking less. A recent Canadian report analyzed studies from 1966 through 2006 and concluded that risk reduction is possible, specifically for head and neck cancers.The study found that as people abstained from drinking, their risk for developing cancer plunged. After 20 years of abstinence, former drinkers had the same risk for head and neck cancers as people who never drank.
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KNOW THE FACTS:
Each year, acute pancreatitis sends more than 200,000 Americans to the hospital. Many of those who suffer from pancreatic problems are also heavy drinkers. Habitual and excessive drinking damages the pancreas, and commonly causes pancreatitis.
Learning more about the links between alcohol and pancreatic problems can help you make better decisions to protect your health.
KNOW THE FUNCTION:
The pancreas plays an important role in food digestion and its conversion into fuel to power your body. It sends enzymes into the small intestine to digest carbohydrates, proteins, and fat. It also secretes insulin and glucagon, hormones that regulate the process of utilizing glucose, the body’s main source of energy. Insulin and glucagon control glucose levels, which helps all cells use the energy glucose provides. Insulin also ensures that extra glucose gets stored away as either glycogen or fat.
When you drink, alcohol damages pancreatic cells and influences metabolic processes involving insulin. This process leaves the pancreas open to dangerous inflammations.
KNOW THE RISKS:
A pancreas unaffected by alcohol sends enzymes out to the small intestine to metabolize food. Alcohol jumbles this process. It causes the pancreas to secrete its digestive juices internally, rather than sending the enzymes to the small intestine. These enzymes, as well as acetaldehyde— a substance produced from metabolizing, or breaking down the alcohol—are harmful to the pancreas. If you consume alcohol excessively over a long time, this continued process can cause inflammation, as well as swelling of tissues and blood vessels.
This inflammation is called pancreatitis, and it prevents the pancreas from working properly. Pancreatitis occurs as a sudden attack, called acute pancreatitis. As excessive drinking continues, the inflammation can become constant. This condition is known as chronic pancreatitis.
Pancreatitis is also a risk factor for the development of pancreatic cancer.
A heavy drinker may not be able to detect the build-up of pancreatic damage until the problems set off an attack.
An acute pancreatic attack causes symptoms including:
Abdominal pain, which may radiate up the back
Nausea and vomiting
Fever
Rapid heart rate
Diarrhea
Sweating
Chronic pancreatitis causes these symptoms as well as severe abdominal pain, significant reduction in pancreatic function and digestion, and blood sugar problems. Chronic pancreatitis can slowly destroy the pancreas and lead to diabetes or even death.
While a single drinking binge will not automatically lead to pancreatitis, the risk of developing the disease increases as excessive drinking continues over time.
These risks apply to all heavy drinkers, but only about 5 percent of people with alcohol dependence develop pancreatitis. Some people are more susceptible to the disease than others, but researchers have not yet identified exactly what environmental and genetic factors play the biggest role.
TREATMENT HELPS— BUT DOES NOT CURE
Abstinence from alcohol can slow the progression of pancreatitis and reduce its painful symptoms.A low-fat diet also may help. It is also critical to guard against infections and to get supportive treatment. Treatment options, including enzyme-replacement therapy or insulin, can improve pancreatic function. In some cases, surgery is necessary to relieve pain, clear blockages, and reduce attacks.
The effects of alcoholic pancreatitis can be managed, but not easily reversed.
Liver disease is one of the leading causes of illness and death in the United States. More than 2 million Americans suffer from liver disease caused by alcohol.
In general, liver disease strikes people who drink heavily over many years.
While many of us recognize that excessive alcohol consumption can lead to liver disease, we might not know why. Understanding the connections between alcohol and the liver can help you make smarter decisions about drinking and take better control of your health.
KNOW THE FUNCTION:
Your liver works hard to keep your body productive and healthy. It stores energy and nutrients. It generates proteins and enzymes your body uses to function and ward off disease. It also rids your body of substances that can be dangerous— including alcohol.
The liver breaks down most of the alcohol a person consumes. But the process of breaking alcohol down generates toxins even more harmful than alcohol itself. These by-products damage liver cells, promote inflammation, and weaken the body’s natural defenses. Eventually, these problems can disrupt the body’s metabolism and impair the function of other organs.
Because the liver plays such a vital role in alcohol detoxification, it is especially vulnerable to damage from excessive alcohol.
KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES:
Heavy drinking—even for just a few days at a time—can cause fat to build up in the liver. This condition, called steatosis, or fatty liver, is the earliest stage of alcoholic liver disease and the most common alcohol-induced liver disorder. The excessive fat makes it more difficult for the liver to operate and leaves it open to developing dangerous inflammations, like alcoholic hepatitis.
For some, alcoholic hepatitis does not present obvious symptoms. For others, though, alcoholic hepatitis can cause fever, nausea, appetite loss, abdominal pain, and even mental confusion. As it increases in severity, alcoholic hepatitis dangerously enlarges the liver, and causes jaundice, excessive bleeding, and clotting difficulties.
Another liver condition associated with heavy drinking is fibrosis, which causes scar tissue to build up in the liver. Alcohol alters the chemicals in the liver needed to break down and remove this scar tissue. As a result, liver function suffers.
If you continue to drink, this excessive scar tissue builds up and creates a condition called cirrhosis, which is a slow deterioration of the liver. Cirrhosis prevents the liver from performing critical functions, including managing infections, removing harmful substances from the blood, and absorbing nutrients.
A variety of complications, including jaundice, insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes, and even liver cancer, can result as cirrhosis weakens liver function.
Risk factors ranging from genetics and gender, to alcohol accessibility, social customs around drinking, and even diet can affect a person’s individual susceptibility to alcoholic liver disease. Statistics show that about one in five heavy drinkers will develop alcoholic hepatitis, while one in four will develop cirrhosis.
KNOW THERE’S A BRIGHT SIDE:
The good news is that a variety of lifestyle changes can help treat alcoholic liver disease. The most critical lifestyle change is abstinence from alcohol. Quitting drinking will help prevent further injury to your liver. Cigarette smoking, obesity, and poor nutrition all contribute to alcoholic liver disease. It is important to stop smoking and improve your eating habits to keep liver disease in check. But when conditions like cirrhosis become severe, a liver transplant may be the primary treatment option.
STROKES
A stroke occurs when blood cannot reach the brain. In about 80 percent of strokes, a blood clot prevents blood flow to the brain. These are called ischemic strokes. Sometimes, blood accumulates in the brain, or in the spaces surrounding it. This causes hemorrhagic strokes.
Both binge drinking and long-term heavy drinking can lead to strokes even in people without coronary heart disease. Recent studies show that people who binge drink are about 56 percent more likely than people who never binge drink to suffer an ischemic stroke over 10 years. Binge drinkers also are about 39 percent more likely to suffer any type of stroke than people who never binge drink.
In addition, alcohol exacerbates the problems that often lead to strokes, including hypertension, arrhythmias, and cardiomyopathy.
HYPERTENSION
Chronic alcohol use, as well as binge drinking, can cause high blood pressure, or hypertension. Your blood pressure is a measurement of the pressure your heart creates as it beats, and the pressure inside your veins and arteries. Healthy blood vessels stretch like elastic as the heart pumps blood through them. Hypertension develops when the blood vessels stiffen, making them less flexible. Heavy alcohol consumption triggers the release of certain stress hormones that in turn constrict blood vessels.This elevates blood pressure. In addition, alcohol may affect the function of the muscles within the blood vessels, causing them to constrict and elevate blood pressure.
KNOW THE BENEFITS :
Research shows that healthy people who drink moderate amounts of alcohol may have a lower risk of developing coronary heart disease than nondrinkers. Moderate drinking is usually defined as no more than two drinks in a given day for men and one drink per day for women who are not pregnant or trying to conceive.
A variety of factors, including diet, genetics, high blood pressure, and age, can cause fat to build up in your arteries, resulting in coronary heart disease. An excess of fat narrows the coronary arteries, which are the blood vessels that supply blood directly to the heart. Clogged arteries reduce blood supply to the heart muscle, and make it easier for blood clots to form. Blood clots can lead to both heart attacks and strokes.
According to recent studies, drinking moderately can protect your heart from these conditions. Moderate drinking helps inhibit and reduce the build-up of fat in the arteries. It can raise the levels of HDL—or “good” cholesterol—in the blood, which wards off heart disease. It can help guard against heart attack and stroke by preventing blood clots from forming and by dissolving blood clots that do develop. Drinking moderately also may help keep blood pressure levels in check.
These benefits may not apply to people with existing medical conditions, or who regularly take certain medications. In addition, researchers discourage people from beginning to drink just for the health benefits. Rather, you can use this research to help you spark a conversation with your medical professional about the best path for you.
Americans know how prevalent heart disease is—about 1 in 12 of us suffer from it. What we don’t always recognize are the connections heart disease shares with alcohol. On the one hand, researchers have known for centuries that excessive alcohol consumption can damage the heart. Drinking a lot over a long period of time or drinking too much on a single occasion can put your heart—and your life—at risk. On the other hand, researchers now understand that drinking moderate amounts of alcohol can protect the hearts of some people from the risks of coronary artery disease.
Deciding how much, if any, alcohol is right for you can be complicated. To make the best decision for yourself, you need to know the facts and then consult your physician.
KNOW THE FUNCTION:
Your cardiovascular system consists of your heart, blood vessels, and blood. This system works constantly—every second of your life—delivering oxygen and nutrients to your cells, and carrying away carbon dioxide and other unnecessary material.
Your heart drives this process. It is a muscle that contracts and relaxes over and over again, moving the blood along the necessary path. Your heart beats about 100,000 times each day, pumping the equivalent of 2,000 gallons of blood throughout your body.
The two sides, or chambers, of the heart receive blood and pump it back into the body. The right ventricle of the heart pumps blood into the lungs to exchange carbon dioxide from the cells for oxygen. The heart relaxes to allow this blood back into its left chamber. It then pumps the oxygen-rich blood to tissues and organs. Blood passing through the kidneys allows the body to get rid of waste products. Electrical signals keep the heart pumping continuously and at the appropriate rate to propel this routine.
KNOW THE RISKS :
ALCOHOLIC CARDIOMYOPATHY
Long-term heavy drinking weakens the heart muscle, causing a condition called alcoholic cardiomyopathy. A weakened heart droops and stretches and cannot contract effectively. As a result, it cannot pump enough blood to sufficiently nourish the organs. In some cases, this blood flow shortage causes severe damage to organs and tissues. Symptoms of cardiomyopathy include shortness of breath and other breathing difficulties, fatigue, swollen legs and feet, and irregular heartbeat. It can even lead to heart failure.
ARRHYTHMIAS
Both binge drinking and long-term drinking can affect how quickly a heart beats.The heart depends on an internal pacemaker system to keep it pumping consistently and at the right speed. Alcohol disturbs this pacemaker system and causes the heart to beat too rapidly, or irregularly. These heart rate abnormalities are called arrhythmias. Two types of alcohol induced arrhythmias are:
ATRIAL FIBRILLATION – In this form of arrhythmia, the heart’s upper, or atrial, chambers shudder weakly but do not contract. Blood can collect and even clot in these upper chambers. If a blood clot travels from the heart to the brain, a stroke can occur; if it travels to other organs such as the lungs, an embolism, or blood vessel blockage, occurs.
VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA – This form of arrhythmia occurs in the heart’s lower, or ventricular, chambers. Electrical signals travel throughout the heart’s muscles, triggering contractions that keep blood flowing at the right pace. Alcohol-induced damage to heart muscle cells can cause these electrical impulses to circle through the ventricle too many times, causing too many contractions. The heart beats too quickly, and so does not fill up with enough blood between each beat. As a result, the rest of the body does not get enough blood. Ventricular tachycardia causes dizziness, lightheadedness, unconsciousness, cardiac arrest, and even sudden death. Drinking to excess on a particular occasion, especially when you generally don’t drink, can trigger either of these irregularities. In these cases, the problem is nicknamed “holiday heart syndrome,” because people who don’t usually drink may consume too much alcohol at parties during the holiday season. Over the long-term, chronic drinking changes the course of electrical impulses that drive the heart’s beating, which creates arrhythmia.
You’re chatting with friends at a party and a waitress comes around with glasses of champagne. You drink one, then another, maybe even a few more. Before you realize it, you are laughing more loudly than usual and swaying as you walk. By the end of the evening, you are too slow to move out of the way of a waiter with a dessert tray and have trouble speaking clearly. The next morning, you wake up feeling dizzy and your head hurts. You may have a hard time remembering everything you did the night before.
These reactions illustrate how quickly and dramatically alcohol affects the brain. The brain is an intricate maze of connections that keeps our physical and psychological processes running smoothly. Disruption of any of these connections can affect how the brain works. Alcohol also can have longer-lasting consequences for the brain—changing the way it looks and works and resulting in a range of problems.
Most people do not realize how extensively alcohol can affect the brain. But recognizing these potential consequences will help you make better decisions about what amount of alcohol is appropriate for you.
WHAT HAPPENS INSIDE THE BRAIN?
The brain’s structure is complex. It includes multiple systems that interact to support all of your body’s functions—from thinking to breathing to moving.
These multiple brain systems communicate with each other through about a trillion tiny nerve cells called neurons. Neurons in the brain translate information into electrical and chemical signals the brain can understand. They also send messages from the brain to the rest of the body.
Chemicals called neurotransmitters carry messages between the neurons. Neurotransmitters can be very powerful. Depending on the type and the amount of neurotransmitter, these chemicals can either intensify or minimize your body’s responses, your feelings, and your mood. The brain works to balance the neurotransmitters that speed things up with the ones that slow things down to keep your body operating at the right pace.
Alcohol can slow the pace of communication between neurotransmitters in the brain.
DISCOVERING THE BRAIN CHANGES
There still is much we do not understand about how the brain works and how alcohol affects it. Researchers are constantly discovering more about how alcohol interrupts communication pathways in the brain and changes brain structure, and the resulting effects on behavior and functioning. A variety of research methods broaden our understanding in different ways:
BRAIN IMAGING – Various imaging tools, including structural magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), diffusion tensor imaging (DTI), and positron emission tomography (PET), are used to create pictures of the brain. MRI and DTI create images of brain structure, or what the brain looks like. fMRI looks at brain function, or what the brain is doing. It can detect changes in brain activity. PET scans look at changes in neurotransmitter function. All of these imaging techniques are useful to track changes in the alcoholic brain. For example, they can show how an alcoholic brain changes immediately after drinking stops, and again after a long period of sobriety, to check for possible relapses.
PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS – Researchers also use psychological tests to evaluate how alcohol-related brain changes affect mental functioning. These tests demonstrate how alcohol affects emotions and personality, as well as how it compromises learning and memory skills.
ANIMAL STUDIES – Testing the effect of alcohol on animals’ brains helps researchers better understand how alcohol injures the human brain, and how abstinence can reverse this damage.
DEFINING THE BRAIN CHANGES
Using brain imaging and psychological tests, researchers have identified the regions of the brain most vulnerable to alcohol’s effects. These include:
CEREBELLUM – This area controls motor coordination. Damage to the cerebellum results in a loss of balance and stumbling, and also may affect cognitive functions such as memory and emotional response.
LIMBIC SYSTEM – This complex brain system monitors a variety of tasks including memory and emotion. Damage to this area impairs each of these functions.
CEREBRAL CORTEX – Our abilities to think, plan, behave intelligently, and interact socially stem from this brain region. In addition, this area connects the brain to the rest of the nervous system. Changes and damage to this area impair the ability to solve problems, remember, and learn.
ALCOHOL SHRINKS AND DISTURBS BRAIN TISSUE
Heavy alcohol consumption—even on a single occasion—can throw the delicate balance of neurotransmitters off course. Alcohol can cause your neurotransmitters to relay information too slowly, so you feel extremely drowsy. Alcohol-related disruptions to the neurotransmitter balance also can trigger mood and behavioral changes, including depression, agitation, memory loss, and even seizures.
Long-term, heavy drinking causes alterations in the neurons, such as reductions in the size of brain cells. As a result of these and other changes, brain mass shrinks and the brain’s inner cavity grows bigger. These changes may affect a wide range of abilities, including motor coordination; temperature regulation; sleep; mood; and various cognitive functions, including learning and memory.
One neurotransmitter particularly susceptible to even small amounts of alcohol is called glutamate. Among other things, glutamate affects memory. Researchers believe that alcohol interferes with glutamate action, and this may be what causes some people to temporarily “black out,” or forget much of what happened during a night of heavy drinking.
Alcohol also causes an increased release of serotonin, another neurotransmitter, which helps regulate emotional expression, and endorphins, which are natural substances that may spark feelings of relaxation and euphoria as intoxication sets in. Researchers now understand that the brain tries to compensate for these disruptions. Neurotransmitters adapt to create balance in the brain despite the presence of alcohol. But making these adaptations can have negative results, including building alcohol tolerance, developing alcohol dependence, and experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms.
WHAT FACTORS MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
Different people react differently to alcohol. That is because a variety of factors can influence your brain’s response to alcohol. These factors include:
HOW MUCH AND HOW OFTEN YOU DRINK – The more you drink, the more vulnerable your brain is.
YOUR GENETIC BACKGROUND AND FAMILY HISTORY OF ALCOHOLISM – Certain ethnic populations can have stronger reactions to alcohol, and children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholics themselves.
YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH – If you have liver or nutrition problems, the effects of alcohol will take longer to wear off.
ARE BRAIN PROBLEMS REVERSIBLE?
Abstaining from alcohol over several months to a year may allow structural brain changes to partially correct. Abstinence also can help reverse negative effects on thinking skills, including problem-solving, memory, and attention.
OTHER ALCOHOL – RELATED BRAIN CONDITIONS
LIVER DAMAGE THAT AFFECTS THE BRAIN
Not only does alcoholic liver disease affect liver function itself, it also damages the brain. The liver breaks down alcohol—and the toxins it releases. During this process, alcohol’s byproducts damage liver cells. These damaged liver cells no longer function as well as they should and allow too much of these toxic substances, ammonia and manganese in particular, to travel to the brain.These substances proceed to damage brain cells, causing a serious and potentially fatal brain disorder known as hepatic encephalopathy.
Hepatic encephalopathy causes a range of problems, from less severe to fatal.These problems can include:
Sleep disturbances
Mood and personality changes
Anxiety
Depression
Shortened attention span
Coordination problems, including asterixis, which results in hand shaking or flapping
Coma
Death
Doctors can help treat hepatic encephalopathy with compounds that lower blood ammonia concentrations and with devices that help remove harmful toxins from the blood. In some cases, people suffering from hepatic encephalopathy require a liver transplant, which generally helps improve brain function.
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Hangovers/beyondHangovers.htm
Alcohol can affect the brain at any stage of development—even before birth. Fetal alcohol spectrum disorders are the full range of physical, learning, and behavioral problems, and other birth defects that result from prenatal alcohol exposure. The most serious of these disorders, fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), is characterized by abnormal facial features and is usually associated with severe reductions in brain function and overall growth. FAS is the leading preventable birth defect associated with mental and behavioral impairment in the United States today. The brains of children with FAS are smaller than normal and contain fewer cells, including neurons. These deficiencies result in life-long learning and behavioral problems. Current research is investigating whether the brain function of children and adults with FAS can be improved with complex rehabilitative training, dietary supplements, or medications.
You may have heard that regular light to moderate drinking can be good for the heart. With heavy or at-risk drinking, however, any potential benefits are outweighed by greater risks, including
Injuries. Drinking too much increases your chances of being injured or even killed. Alcohol is a factor, for example, in about 60% of fatal burn injuries, drownings, and homicides; 50% of severe trauma injuries and sexual assaults; and 40% of fatal motor vehicle crashes, suicides, and fatal falls.
Health problems. Heavy drinkers have a greater risk of liver disease, heart disease, sleep disorders, depression, stroke, bleeding from the stomach, sexually transmitted infections from unsafe sex, and several types of cancer. They may have problems managing diabetes, high blood pressure, and other conditions.
Birth defects. Drinking during pregnancy can cause brain damage and other serious problems in the baby. Because it is not yet known whether any amount of alcohol is safe for a developing baby, women who are pregnant or may become pregnant should not drink.
Alcohol use disorders. Generally known as alcoholism and alcohol abuse, alcohol use disorders are medical conditions that doctors can diagnose when a patient’s drinking causes distress or harm. In the United States, about 18 million people have an alcohol use disorder.
Beyond these physical and mental health risks, frequent heavy drinking also is linked with personal problems, including losing a driver’s license and having relationship troubles.
Alcohol use disorders are medical conditions that doctors can diagnose when a patient’s drinking causes distress or harm. In the United States, about 18 million people have an alcohol use disorder, classified as either alcohol dependence—perhaps better known as alcoholism—or alcohol abuse.
Alcoholism, the more serious of the disorders, is a disease that includes symptoms such as:
Craving—A strong need, or urge, to drink.
Loss of control—Not being able to stop drinking once drinking has begun.
Physical dependence—Withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety after stopping drinking.
Tolerance—The need to drink greater amounts of alcohol to feel the same effect.
People who are alcoholic often will spend a great deal of their time drinking, making sure they can get alcohol, and recovering from alcohol’s effects, often at the expense of other activities and responsibilities.
Although alcohol abusers are not physically dependent on alcohol, they still have a serious disorder. Alcohol abusers may not fulfill responsibilities at home, work, or school because of their drinking. They may also put themselves in dangerous situations (like driving under the influence) or have legal or social problems (such as arrests or arguments with family members) due to their drinking. *
Like many other diseases, alcoholism is typically considered chronic, meaning that it lasts a person’s lifetime. However, we continue to learn more and more about alcohol abuse and alcoholism; and what we’re learning is changing our perceptions of the disease. For instance, data from NIAAA’s National Epidemiological Study on Alcohol and Related Conditions has shown that more than 70 percent of people who develop alcohol dependence have a single episode that lasts on average 3 or 4 years. Data from the same survey also show that many people with alcohol dependence recover with no formal treatment; and many people who do seek treatment are able to remain alcohol free.
However severe the problem may seem, many people with an alcohol use disorder can benefit from treatment. Talk with your doctor to determine the best course of action for you, or see http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/ToolsResources/Resources.asp#Pro… for resources
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Practitioner/pocketguide/pocket_guide6.htm
In the past 12 months, has your drinking repeatedly caused or contributed to: risk of bodily harm (drinking and driving, operating machinery, swimming) relationship trouble (family or friends) role failure (interference with home, work, or school obligations) run-ins with the law (arrests or other legal problems)If yes to one or more you have alcohol abuse.
In the past 12 months, have you: not been able to cut down or stop (repeated failed attempts) not been able to stick to drinking limits (repeatedly gone over them) shown tolerance (needed to drink a lot more to get the same effect) shown signs of withdrawal (tremors, sweating, nausea, or insomnia when trying to quit or cut down) kept drinking despite problems (recurrent physical or psychological problems) spent a lot of time drinking (or anticipating or recovering from drinking) spent less time on other matters (activities that had been important or pleasurable)If yes to three or more you have alcohol dependence.
Government guidelines are as follows:
Advise staying within these limits:
Maximum Drinking Limits
For healthy men up to age 65—
no more than 4 drinks in a day AND
no more than 14 drinks in a week
For healthy women (and healthy men over age 65)—
no more than 3 drinks in a day AND
no more than 7 drinks in a week
Recommend lower limits or abstinence as medically indicated; for example, for patients who
take medications that interact with alcohol
have a health condition exacerbated by alcohol
are pregnant (advise abstinence)
How many times in the past year
have you had . . .
5 or more
drinks in a day?
(for men)
4 or more
drinks in a day?
(for women)
Moderate & Binge Drinking
Moderate or “low-risk” drinking
Research shows that people who drink moderately may be less likely to experience an alcohol use disorder (AUD). These drinking levels, which differ for men and women, are:
For men:
No more than 4 drinks on any single day AND no more than 14 drinks per week
For women:
No more than 3 drinks on any single day AND no more than 7 drinks per week
To stay low risk for AUDs, you must keep within both the single-day and weekly limits.
Even within these limits, you can have problems if you drink too quickly or have other health issues. To keep your risk for problems low, make sure you:
Drink slowly
Eat enough while drinking
Certain people should avoid alcohol completely, including those who
Plan to drive a vehicle or operate machinery
Take medications that interact with alcohol
Have a medical condition that alcohol can aggravate
Are pregnant or trying to become pregnant
Heavy or “at-risk” drinking
For healthy adults in general, heavy drinking means consuming more than the single-day or the weekly amounts listed above. About 1 in 4 people who drink above these levels already has alcohol dependence or alcohol abuse problems.
Binge drinking
Binge drinking means drinking so much within about 2 hours that blood alcohol concentration (BAC) levels reach 0.08g/dL. For women, this usually occurs after about 4 drinks, and for men, after about 5.
Drinking this way can pose health and safety risks, including car crashes and injuries. Over the long term, binge drinking can damage the liver and other organs.
Many people are surprised to learn what counts as a drink. The amount of liquid in your glass, can, or bottle does not necessarily match up to how much alcohol is actually in your drink. Different types of beer, wine, or malt liquor can have very different amounts of alcohol content. For example, many light beers have almost as much alcohol as regular beer – about 85% as much. Here’s another way to put it:
Regular beer: 5% alcohol content
Some light beers: 4.2% alcohol content
That’s why it’s important to know how much alcohol your drink contains. In the United States, one “standard” drink contains roughly 14 grams of pure alcohol, which is found in:
12 ounces of regular beer, which is usually about 5% alcohol
5 ounces of wine, which is typically about 12% alcohol
1.5 ounces of distilled spirits, which is about 40% alcohol
How do you know how much alcohol is in your drink?
Even though they come in different sizes, the drinks below are each examples of one standard drink:
Although the “standard” drink amounts are helpful for following health guidelines, they may not reflect customary serving sizes. For example, a single mixed drink made with hard liquor can contain 1 to 3 or more standard drinks, depending on the type of spirits and the recipe.
http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/
It depends. If you have been diagnosed as an alcoholic, the answer is almost always “no.” Alcoholics who try to cut down on drinking rarely succeed. Cutting out alcohol—that is, abstaining—is usually the best course for recovery. People who are not alcohol dependent but who have experienced alcohol-related problems may be able to limit the amount they drink. If they can’t stay within those limits, they need to stop drinking altogether.
(Adapted from: http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/FAQs/General-English/Pages/default.aspx#experience)
Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by exagerrated worry or tension and chronic anxiety, even when there is no event to cause it. They can be overly concerned about finances, work issues, and health issues.
People who have this condition will also suffer from physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, irritability, sweating, and hot flashes.
People who have social anxiety disorder suffer overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in social situations. This can be limited to one kind of social situation (such as speaking in public), or it can extend to all situations that involve other people. Social anxiety sufferers experience a chronic, intense fear of being watched or judged by others, and they can have a hard time working, attending school, or going out socially.
People who have obsessive compulsive disorder have recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). The disorder manifests itself in behaviors such as handwashing, checking locks or appliances, counting objects or tasks, or cleaning excessively.
But performing these “rituals” only provides temporary relief from the anxiety that’s driving them and will eventually increase the person’s distress.
Panic disorder is characterized by sudden, uncontrollable attacks of terror. These “panic attacks” are often accompanied by sweating, dizziness, faintness, and a pounding heartbeat. People who suffer from panic disorder often believe they are having a heart attack, going crazy, or in mortal danger.
Fortunately, it is one of the most treatable of the anxiety disorders, responding well to medications and/or cognitive behavioral therapy.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) develops after a person has been exposed to a terrifying ordeal in which his or her life or safety was threatened. Military combat, physical or sexual assaults, accidents, and natural or human-caused disasters can cause PTSD.
PTSD sufferers experience insomnia, nightmares, persistent memories of events, and emotional detachment. They are also often easily startled.
Everyone feels nervous or anxious from time to time. This is a normal reaction to stress and can actually help you complete tasks or protect yourself from risky situations. So how can you tell when your anxiety has become an actual anxiety disorder?
http://www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/cf/slideshows/most-common-anxiety-disorders-explained/anxiety-or-anxiety-disorder/?ic=8831
It is important to remember that while emotional abuse is often thought of as being committed by a man against a woman, women can also emotionally abuse men with whom they are in a relationship, or the abuse may occur between members of a same-sex relationship. Emotional abuse in any relationship is not acceptable.
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is a good chance that eventually things may get physical. At first, the abuser might pull your hair, push you, or grab you so hard that you bruise; these may only be warning signs that things can escalate further. A partner with an explosive temper who has reacted with violence before (breaking things, punching the wall, getting into altercations with others) may be likely to physically abuse you.
An abuser is a grand manipulator and will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with his or her idea of how things should be. An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assert what is right for you. At times the abuser may appear to be apologetic and loving but his “remorse” doesn’t last long; the abuse begins again when the abuser feels he or she has you back.
A prominent trait of abusers is their jealousy. An abusive partner or spouse is often jealous of you, other people and even your dreams and goals. Their jealousy and rage over intangible things like your aspirations stem from the lack of control they feel over those aspects of your life.
An emotional abuser goes through life feeling entitled to be treated like royalty, and wants you to be a willing servant. He or she expects you to do everything and will not help at all.
This goes along with the isolation technique, where abusers want you all to themselves. If you do go somewhere or do something without your partner, or even if he or she goes along but others are also there, an emotional abuser will punish you later. An abuser may shout, insult, threaten or worse, all because you were not exclusively hanging out with him or her.
If your significant other always blames everything on someone else, namely you, this may be a bad sign. If he or she throws a tantrum or attacks you verbally, he or she will say it was because of you. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship if your partner never takes responsibility and never admits to being at fault.
If someone calls you derogatory names, even if they say they are joking, they mean to hurt you and keep you in line. Abusers sometimes cover themselves by blaming you, saying that you need to lighten up or that you are too sensitive. You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated. Abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem.
Emotionally abusive spouses want you all to themselves and make an effort to have it that way. They do not understand that you have a life outside of the relationship – one that includes family and friends. It is healthy and normal for you to hang out with other people as well, so if your partner prevents you from doing so, this may be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship.
http://www.healthcentral.com/schizophrenia/cf/slideshows/10-signs-you-may-be-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/isolates-you-from-friends-and-family/?ap=825
To accept something involves three aspects:
Acknowledgment of reality. This involves admitting that reality – including unpleasant reality – exists. You see it as inevitable that many things will not be to your liking. You view uncertainty, frustration and disappointment as aspects of normal life.
Absence of any demand that reality not exist. This means that although you may prefer yourself, other people, things, or circumstances to be different from how they are (and you may even work at changing them), you know there is no ‘Law of the Universe’ which says they should or must be different.
Keeping unwanted realities in perspective. You dislike some things, and find them unpleasant – but you avoid catastrophising them into ‘horrible’ or ‘unbearable’.
Acceptance of reality includes many things
There are many realities people are called upon to accept. Here are some that are especially relevant to emotional health:
Uncertainty. In the real world there are no certainties. The outcomes of our actions can never be guaranteed. It is helpful to anticipate the future, but we can never know for sure what it holds.
Utopia is unlikely. You and I will almost certainly never get everything we want. This includes total happiness or personal perfection. We will probably always experience some pain, anxiety, or depression.
There are limitations to personal change. There are many things we can change, like anxiety and depression. But there are some things that will not change no matter how much we try, as Martin Seligman points out in his book What You Can Change and What You Can’t (Random House, Sydney, 1994). Accepting this reality can help people avoid much unnecessary distress.
We cannot change others. One thing we can never change is other people. Only they can change themselves. Accepting this reality may save a lot of pain.
What acceptance is not
Many people have trouble with the idea of acceptance. They think that to accept something means they have to like it, agree with it, justify it, be indifferent to it, or resign themselves to it.
Acceptance is none of these things. You can dislike something, see it as unjustified and continue to prefer that it not exist. You can be concerned about it. You can take action to change it, if change is possible. But you can still accept it by rejecting the idea that it should not exist and that it absolutely must be changed.
Why acceptance is important to emotional health
Hurting yourself does not change what you dislike, and will only take away energy better used to confront and solve problems. By reducing the intensity of your bad feelings, you will be less disabled by them. Acceptance can, paradoxically, increase your chances of changing what you dislike!
Acceptance will help you tolerate what you cannot change, and avoid adding unnecessary emotional pain to the unpleasantness of the situation itself.
Acceptance, finally, will help you avoid wasting time and energy and risking your emotional or physical health by striving for what is unattainable.
Developing acceptance of reality
Take note of non-accepting thoughts and behaviour. Watch out for:
Believing that people or things should be different to how they are; that it is awful and intolerable when things are not as they should be; that the world should be a fair place; that one should always be treated fairly.
Feeling angry but unable to do anything.
‘Needing’ to get other people to admit they are wrong, or avoiding acceptance because it might mean giving away a sense of self-rightness.
Keep reality in perspective. When facing an unpleasant development in your life:
Use the ‘time-projection’ technique.
Ask ‘Is this situation, event or possibility really so bad for me?’
Develop a ‘catastrophe scale’.
Query yourself: ‘How much do I really need to upset myself over this?’
Challenge your demands that reality not be as it is. Ask yourself:
‘Can I really change … (this person, this situation, etc.)?’
‘Though I would prefer that … be different to how it is, where is it written that it should be?’
‘Why must this not happen?’
‘Is demanding that this person change going to make them change – or would I be better to try and understand how they see things and then attempt to talk with them?’
Practice acceptance:
Regularly remind yourself that human beings are fallible and not perfectible.
Don’t retaliate when people do things you dislike.
See the world for what it really is (and always has been) – imperfect.
Practice being satisfied with compromises and less than perfect solutions to problems.
To sum up
We can sum up our discussion of acceptance with a paraphrase of a well-known saying. It suggests that to achieve happiness, there are three things to strive for: the courage to change the things we can, the serenity to accept the things we can’t – and the wisdom to know the difference (a saying originally coined by a Taoist monk, popularised by Reinhold Niebuhr, adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous, and paraphrased by Gunars Neiders.
One last thing. Don’t make these principles into demands. They are ideals. Probably no-one could practice them all consistently. Rather than see them as absolute ‘musts’ for managing your stress, use them as guidelines to a better life.
Flexible people can bend with the storm rather than be broken by it. They know how to adapt and adjust to new circumstances that call for new ways of thinking and behaving. They have resilience – the ability to bounce back from adversity.
The principle of flexibility
To be flexible is to be open to change in yourself and in the world. As circumstances alter, you are able to modify your plans and behaviours. You are able to adopt new ways of thinking that help you cope with a changing world. You are able to let others hold their own beliefs and do things in ways appropriate to them – while you do what is right for you.
Flexibility in thinking means:
Your values are preferences rather than rigid, unvarying rules.
You are open to changing ways of thinking in the light of new information and evidence.
You view change as a challenge rather than a threat.
Flexibility in behaviour means:
You are able to change direction when it is in your interests.
You are willing to try new ways of dealing with problems and frustrations.
You can let others do things their way.
You avoid distressing yourself when things turn out different to how you would like them to be.
Why flexibility is important to emotional health
Flexibility aids survival in a changing world. The world, as it always has, continues to change – but the pace of change is increasing. If there is not a corresponding change in attitudes there will be distress. We see this in the so-called ‘generation gap’. Parents who are inflexible find it harder to cope when their children behave in ways unthinkable in their generation. We can cope better when we see change as a challenge rather than a threat.
Flexibility leads to better problem-solving. As Roger Von Oech states, there are times we need to step outside what we know or usually do and look at a problem from new angles in order to find new solutions (Von Oech, Roger: A Whack on the Side of the Head. Angus & Robertson Publishers, Sydney, 1984). Even negative events – like being made redundant – can create opportunities to ‘step outside’.
Flexibility will make it easier to change your goals to suit new circumstances. Getting older or sustaining a disability, for example, usually requires one to adapt to significant lifestyle changes.
Flexibility will help you break out of boring routines and maintain stimulation and variety in your life. It will also help you manage your time better, by enabling you to change your plans to suit changing situations.
Developing flexibility
Use rational self-analysis to identify and change inflexible thinking. Watch especially for any black & white thinking or demanding ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’.
Expose yourself to new ways of looking at things. Read books that adopt positions other than yours, talk to people with differing views, watch movies you would normally not bother with.
Practice flexibility by rearranging your office or home furniture, hanging some new pictures, visiting places you have never been.
Get into the habit of pausing before you take action on a problem and look at ways of solving it different to what you would normally do. In other words, attempt to act out of character on a regular basis.
Learn how to problem-solve
The technique of problem-solving is described in detail in Choose to be Happy and GoodStress. What follows is a summary of the process you can go through to solve more difficult problems which require a structured approach. There are eight steps:
Spell out the problem: state the problem in concrete terms. Be specific and break the problem down into its various parts. This will help you see it more clearly and work on it in small chunks.
Collect information: gather whatever information on the problem you can find.
Set goals: set a direction in which to go by turning the problems into goals. State them as specifically as possible, so that you can know when they have been achieved.
Develop alternative solutions: first develop a range of possible strategies to achieve the goals you have set. Use the brainstorming procedure – write down every potential solution you can think of, no matter how way-out they seem. The idea is to generate the largest number of options you can. Then decide which strategies to pursue.
Identify any blocks to your strategies: are there any things which might get in the way of the strategies you have chosen? Identify them now.
Develop tactics: your strategies (or ‘sub-goals’ are aimed to achieve your general goal). Now generate some tactics – specific ways of achieving your strategies or sub-goals. Tactics are what you actually do. Once again, use the brainstorming method described in Step 3. Then select the tactics to put into action.
Act on your tactics: now carry out the tactics you have chosen.
Evaluate the results: if you do not get the results you want, don’t give up. Just go back to an earlier stage of the process and start again from that point.
Here are some tips to aid your problem-solving:
Keep in mind that there are no black or white answers.
Judge potential solutions on their level of usefulness, not on their ‘rightness’.
Be open to looking at a range of options. In a rapidly changing world, it is necessary to look beyond old solutions.
Accepting reality
It makes sense, wherever possible, to change things you dislike. But there will be some things you will not be able to change. You then have two choices – you can rail against fate and stay distressed; or you can accept reality and move on.
Naturally, when faced with one of life’s inevitable problems, we want a good solution. This is quite rational – and only becomes a problem when we escalate our desire for such a solution to a demand. Sometimes there is not a ‘good’ solution available – only a choice between less than desirable options. We can make the problem even worse if we believe that not only is a ‘good’ solution required – but an ‘ideal’ or ‘perfect’ one. How many of life’s problems have ‘ideal’ solutions?
Demanding ‘ideal’ solutions can lead to many problems:
Constant dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s circumstances.
Lower productivity: if you spend too much time on one problem, this means less time for others.
Avoidance: an even worse consequence of perfectionism is putting off solving problems because there is no apparent ‘ideal’ solution.
Increased stress
Resistance to change: an increasing feature of modern life is change, which carries with it the need to adapt and find new ways of dealing with events and circumstances. Demanding impossible perfection may lead to putting one’s head in the sand
Several distortions of reality may be involved with your perfectionism. Black and white thinking (also called ‘all-or-nothing thinking’) is common. You view things in extremes: total success v. total failure, superb v. lousy, right v. wrong, perfect v. useless. Over-generalising can lead you to think that because high standards are possible, ‘perfection’ is too; or that one or a few mistakes means you are ‘always making mistakes.’
The real problem, though, is demanding – jumping from the belief that because perfection is possible, therefore you should or must achieve it – coupled with the idea that if you do not, this reflects on your self-worth (self-rating) or will lead to dire consequences and unbearable discomfort (awfulising and discomfort-intolerance).
This belief, along with belief number four, is possibly the most common underlying cause of distress in human beings, as well as the one people seem most unconscious of! A concept developed by psychologist Albert Ellis, low discomfort-tolerance (LDT) arises from believing that discomfort is intolerable and therefore must be avoided at all costs.
It involves awfulising and intolerance about discomfort (including the discomfort of negative emotions), with an internal demand that it be avoided. It is based on beliefs like:
‘I should be able to feel happy all of the time.’
‘I must be able to feel comfortable all of the time.’
‘Discomfort and pain are awful and intolerable, and I must avoid them at all costs.’
‘I must not feel bad.’
‘I must have certainty in my life.’
This condition is closely related to low frustration-tolerance (LFT). Frustration is uncomfortable, and discomfort is frustrating. Often one expression is used to refer to both types.
How LDT creates distress
Low discomfort-tolerance contributes to distress in many ways:
Discomfort anxiety is the emotional tension that results when people believe that their comfort (or life) is threatened, that they should or must feel good (and not get feel bad), and that it is awful and unbearable (rather than merely inconvenient or disadvantageous) when they are exposed to physical or emotional discomfort.
Worrying is based on a belief like: ‘Because … would be awful, and I couldn’t stand it, I must worry about it in case it happens’.
Avoidance. If events and circumstances are seen as intolerable, too hard to bear and too difficult to overcome, you are likely to develop a demand that they be avoided. However, it is in our interests to undergo some difficult experiences, such as grief after a loss or the discomfort of personal change. Avoidance will only create greater problems later on.
Secondary disturbance refers to the common human tendency to have a problem about having a problem. People often make themselves anxious about being anxious, depressed about being depressed, anxious about feeling guilty, and guilty about feeling angry. Secondary problems result from:
Awfulising ‘Feeling unhappy/stressed/anxious/ etc. is horrible’.
Discomfort intolerance: ‘I can’t bear to feel unhappy’.
Demanding: ‘I must not / should not have to feel unhappy …’ or ‘I should be able to handle my feelings better’.
Self-evaluation: ‘Because I can’t handle my feelings, I am … (useless, hopeless, no good, weak, etc.)’.
When you worry about feeling unhappy, demand you not feel unhappy, or put yourself down for feeling unhappy, you make yourself more unhappy!
Short-range enjoyment, another common human tendency, is the seeking of immediate pleasure or avoidance of pain at the cost of long-term stress. Examples include such things as alcohol, drug and food abuse; watching television at the expense of exercising; practising unsafe sex; or overspending to feel better.
Procrastination. Short-range enjoyment and the avoidance of discomfort may cause you to put off difficult tasks or unpleasant situations – which leads to more stress in the long run.
Addictive tendencies. Low discomfort-tolerance is a key factor in the development of addictions (Ellis, McInerney, DiGiuseppe & Yeager: Rational-Emotive Therapy with Alcoholics and Substance Abusers. Allyn and Bacon, Boston, 1988.) To resist the impulse of the moment and go without is ‘too uncomfortable’ or ‘frustrating’. It seems easier to give in to the urge to misuse alcohol, take drugs, gamble, or exercise obsessively. Much addictive behaviour serves to help people avoid pain. Most substance abusers are, in effect, medicating themselves to get rid of bad feelings. Unfortunately, once this tendency is established, it is hard to give up. Addictions create stress in the long run through damage to the body, strained relationships, and the distress of withdrawal.
Negativity and complaining. Low discomfort-tolerance may cause you to become distressed over small hindrances and setbacks, overconcerned with unfairness, and prone to make comparisons between your own and others’ circumstances. Negativity tends to alienate others, with the loss of their support.
Failure to use stress management skills. Low tolerance is a key reason people may learn strategies for managing stress but give up on using them.
Overcoming low discomfort-tolerance
The ability to tolerate frustration and discomfort is central to emotional health. High tolerance will keep you from overreacting to things you dislike. It will help you tackle problems and issues rather than avoid them. It will enable you to take risks and try new experiences.
What is high tolerance?
‘High tolerance’ means accepting the reality of discomfort, and keeping its badness in perspective.
To accept frustration and discomfort is to acknowledge that, while you may dislike it, discomfort is a reality. It exists, and there is no Law of the Universe says it ‘should’ not exist (though you may prefer it not). You expect to experience appropriate negative emotions like concern, remorse, regret, sadness, annoyance, and disappointment. But you avoid exaggerating these emotions (by telling yourself you can’t stand them) into anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, hostile anger, hurt, or self-pity.
To keep discomfort in perspective is to regard it as unpleasant rather than ‘awful’. You dislike rejection, pain, bad health, financial insecurity and other unwanted circumstances – but you believe that you can cope with the discomfort when they happen to you.
High tolerance will help you in many ways. You will be:
Less likely to create secondary problems by overreacting to unwanted events and circumstances.
More willing to experience present discomfort to achieve long-term goals and enjoyment.
Prepared to take reasonable risks.
More able to assert yourself appropriately with other people.
Less likely to put off difficult tasks and issues, including personal change.
From avoidance to tolerance
See the list of typical discomfort-intolerance thoughts below. Alongside each is a more realistic alternative.
Discomfort-anxiety
Discomfort-tolerance
It is awful and intolerable to experience physical or emotional pain and discomfort. If I tell myself that pain and discomfort are awful, I’ll only set myself up to get anxious when I think they’re coming.
This situation is simply unbearable. This situation is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and I don’t like it – but I am (obviously) standing it.
There are certain things in life which I just can’t stand. Certain things are uncomfortable or unpleasant, but it’s wrong to say that I ‘can’t stand’ them. If that were true, I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale!
Because I can’t stand discomfort and pain, I must avoid them at all costs. Total avoidance would mean a very restricted life. Though I don’t like discomfort and pain, I can tolerate them.
Getting into action to raise your discomfort-tolerance
Know when you are engaging in low-tolerance behaviour designed to avoid discomfort or frustration. Keep a log of such behaviour for several weeks or longer. Watch for things like:
avoiding uncomfortable situations;
overusing drugs or alcohol;
compulsive gambling, shopping, exercising, or bingeing on food;
losing your temper;
putting off difficult tasks.
The technique of exposure is the best way to increase your tolerance. Make a list of things you typically avoid – situations, events, thoughts, risks and so on. Commit yourself to face at least one of these each day. Actively confront discomfort by going into uncomfortable situations. Instead of trying to get away from the frustration or discomfort as you normally would, stay with the discomfort until it diminishes of its own accord.
You can prepare yourself to cope with the discomfort by using rational self-analysis, imagery, and the blow-up technique. Afterwards, do a catastrophe scale to get your reaction to the discomfort into perspective
Seek long-range enjoyment
Like most people, you probably want to enjoy life. As well as avoid distress, you want to experience pleasure. And you probably want to get your pleasure now, not tomorrow. But there are times when it is in our interests to forgo immediate pleasure – in order to have greater enjoyment in the longer term.
There are two parts to this principle:
You seek to get enjoyment from each of your present moments, rather than always putting off pleasure till ‘tomorrow’, or dwelling on things that have happened in the past.
However, to keep on enjoying your present moments you sometimes choose to postpone pleasure. You may wish to drink more alcohol – but you restrict your intake now so your body will still let you drink in ten years time. Or you wish to buy a new stereo, but instead you save the money for an overseas trip. This is the ‘long-term’ part.
The principle can be summed up as follows: live for the present with an eye to the future. In other words, seek to get as much pleasure and enjoyment as you can in the present – while taking into account the desirability of enjoying your life in the long term.
Here is how you can develop long-range enjoyment:
Learn to calculate gains and losses. Weigh the short-term pleasurable effects of an action against its possible longer-term negative effects. Make sure that immediate gain doesn’t set you up for future pain – as with overindulgence in alcohol.
Weigh short-term discomfort and frustration against the prospect of greater and more enduring comfort in the long term. To start exercising will be more uncomfortable than watching television – but later you will not only feel the health benefits, you will even begin to enjoy the exercise itself.
The strategy of paradoxical behaviour will help you put the philosophical change into action. Practice deliberately postponing gratification in order to increase your tolerance for frustration. List a few things you could go without and earmark the money you save for something you would really like. Reduce your intake of alcohol, caffeine or fatty foods, and reward yourself with an occasional special treat you would otherwise see as an indulgence. Be creative – what other ideas for practising long-range enjoyment can you come up with?
Be willing to take reasonable risks
Human beings, by nature, seek safety, predictability, and freedom from fear. But humans also pursue risk. A totally secure life would be a boring one. To grow as a person and improve your quality of life means being prepared to take some chances.
What we are talking about is a willingness to take sensible risks in order to get more out of life and avoid the distress of boredom, listlessness and dissatisfaction. Here are some example areas of risk-taking that relate to increasing your discomfort-tolerance:
Learning new things which may challenge existing beliefs.
Tackling tasks which have no guarantee of success.
Trying new relationships.
Doing things that risk the disapproval of other people.
Here are some suggestions for increasing your willingness to take risks:
Exposure is a key technique for practising risk-taking. Develop a list of things you would like to try, such as:
- Asking someone for something – like a date or favour – where there is a chance of rejection.
- Doing something where there is a chance others will disapprove – for example, speaking up and telling a group of people what you think.
- Trying something where there is no guarantee of success.
Put one item a day into practice. As you do so, remind yourself that the discomfort involved is not intolerable, and that staying with it will gradually increase your tolerance.
You can prepare yourself for taking risks and cope with the discomfort involved using rational self-analysis, coping rehearsal, the blow-up technique, and role-playing.
It is a good thing to be concerned for others and, when appropriate, to demonstrate this concern in action. Unfortunately, many people carry this to the point where they lose sight of the boundary between themselves and others. Do you become over-involved in the other’s emotions or difficulties – joining in their depressions, anxieties, or feeling unhappy when they have problems?
Not only will this detract from your own happiness, but it can also lead to anger with others because they have problems and are, therefore, ‘causing’ you to be unhappy.
It can also create what I call the ‘social worker’ syndrome. When two or more people relate, it is because each perceives the other has something to offer. Giving but not (apparently) taking contravenes this reciprocal nature of relationships. Are you available to help when your friends want you, but seem to expect nothing in return? Paradoxically, your selfless behaviour may really be for yourself. It puts you in a one-up position to the other person, enabling you to boost an otherwise poor ego. It is yet another sign that self-acceptance is lacking – you ‘help’ others to convince yourself you are OK. Unfortunately, your ‘selflessness’ can create distress – the unequal nature of the relationship means you give support but don’t get it in return.
Where does it come from?
Belief number 10 indicates a lack of boundaries between oneself and others – a difficulty in seeing that while it is good for human beings to help each other, they still remain separate entities.
It may also indicate emotional irresponsibility: a belief that one’s emotions are caused by one’s circumstances – ‘How can I be happy when someone in my environment is sad?’
It may also indicate over-dependency on others. If those on whom we depend are unhappy or in difficulties, we might perceive this as a threat to our own wellbeing. If we have a worrying tendency, then we will become preoccupied with their troubles.
There is an expectation – absorbed by most members of a society – that people help each other. Such mutual aid is functional for the survival of social groups, and, in turn, for the benefit of individuals. Unfortunately, we humans have a tendency to escalate rational preferences into absolute demands, exaggerate the negative consequences of the demand not being met, and rate ourselves if we do not feel and behave as our demands tell us we ‘should’. Sub-beliefs involved are usually along the lines of the following:
If people allowed themselves to be happy when others are sad, this would lead to uncaring individualism and the breakdown of society.
To be happy when someone is in difficulties would show that I didn’t care.
It is wrong and uncaring to be happy when someone else is sad.
If I did, this would show that I was a callous person.
If others saw me being happy when someone is in difficulties, they would think badly of me, and I couldn’t stand that.
The solution
The solution is to be concerned for others – but know that your emotions are separate to theirs. How would this show? Do what you can to help the other person – in the way of practical assistance and/or emotional support – but don’t take on board their emotions.
There is a very useful principle that can help you here, called enlightened self-interest. Meaningful relationships are based on mutual self-interest (reciprocity). You give – in order to receive. You attend to others’ interests – because they will be encouraged to attend to yours. You consider not just what others have to offer you, but what you have to offer them – and vice-versa.
If you want help without having to give anything in return, see a professional counsellor. If you want to be a social worker yourself, go and get trained, then obtain a group of clients separate from your friends (professional counsellors know how to show empathy, warmth and respect toward their clients – without feeling their misery).
Otherwise, you help others as far as practical and appropriate. What constitutes appropriateness? When others want help (they may not always), and when what you give them is useful and not harmful to yourself. Becoming over-involved with their problems and their emotions is not usually helpful to others. Do you really think that it helps a person who feels depressed, anxious or guilty for you to become depressed, anxious or guilty also?
What is enlightened self-interest?
Enlightened self-interest refers to the ability to act in your own interests – while taking into account the interests of others:
You place your own interests first.
You keep in mind that your own interests will, usually, be best served if you take into account the interests of others.
Let us note two important facts about human beings. The first is that we are fundamentally self-interested. Notwithstanding any precepts that say we ‘should’ be otherwise, human beings appear to be intrinsically concerned first with their own welfare. Hans Selye, a key researcher in the field of stress management, has argued in his book Stress Without Distress (Hodder and Stoughton, London, 1974) that the desire to maintain oneself and stay happy is the most ancient – and one of the most important – impulses that motivates living beings. All living beings protect their own interests first of all. Selye points out that this begins with our basic biological make-up, in that the various cells in our bodies only co-operate with each other to ensure their own survival.
The second fact to note is that as well as self-interest, we also possess social interest (or what Selye calls altruism) – the wish to ensure that the social system as a whole survives and develops.
How is that two apparently contradictory tendencies can co-exist? The answer is that we help others in order to help ourselves. In other words, our self-interest is enlightened.
It appears that like self-interest, social interest is also inherent within human beings – both have biological roots. Collaboration between body cells promotes the survival of each individual cell and enables the total organism to function.
In effect, individual interests are best served by mutual cooperation. Accordingly, self-interest without social interest is misguided. So is social interest without self-interest. Always putting others first leads to resentment or a martyr attitude. People who believe they are acting purely in the interests of others are dangerous. By denying (to themselves) that their own self-interest is involved, such people may justify all types of manipulative and controlling behaviour toward others.
You are both self-interested and socially-interested. This dual tendency is built in to your very being and begins with your basic biology. By accepting this about yourself, you will be able to do a better job of acting in your own interests – in an enlightened manner.
What is it to be ‘enlightened’? The word ‘enlightened’ has several related meanings. It is humanitarian – charitable, liberal, and idealistic; and at the same time utilitarian – useful, beneficial, and practical.
Can you see how merging an enlightened attitude with innate self-interest can apply at all levels – to yourself, to your family, to your town or city, to your country, and to the world as a whole? Consider the effect on this planet if every person acknowledged their self-interest and then practised it in an enlightened manner. What if every country based its external and foreign policies on the humanitarian and practical principle of enlightened self-interest?
Why enlightened self-interest is important to emotional health
If human beings did not have an inherent will to protect themselves and further their own interests, they would not survive. If you don’t attend to your own interests, who will? Knowing what is in your interests will help you get what is best for you and avoid what is harmful. It will keep you moving toward your goals – and ensure that your goals are the right ones for you.
But you had better simultaneously take into account the interests of others. Getting people to have positive feelings toward you is a good idea. They will be more likely to treat you well and less likely to harm you. Contributing to their welfare will encourage them to contribute to yours. And contributing to the development and survival of the society in which you live will mean a better environment in which to pursue your interests.
If you acknowledge that self-interest is inherent in your nature, you will feel less guilty about looking after yourself. If you acknowledge that altruistic behaviour is in your interests, you will be more likely to co-operate with others. If you do both, everyone gains.
Developing enlightened self-interest
Begin by practising enlightened behaviours, even though at first this will not come naturally. Here are some ideas to get you started now:
Go out of your way to show positive feelings towards others – gratitude, respect, trust – which in turn will arouse goodwill from them.
Choose some new activities in various life areas – work, family, leisure – that will bring goodwill.
At the same time, act assertively. Ask for what you want, say ‘No’ to what you don’t, and tell others (when appropriate) what you think and how you feel.
Make a point of doing something just for yourself each day for a while. This will be especially useful if someone in your environment is unhappy. You will show yourself that while you are concerned for them, having done what you can to assist, you are going to get on with your own life.
Until enlightened self-interest becomes part of you, consciously seek to get more of what you want while facilitating the interests of the other people in your world.
If you have trouble with guilt getting in the way of your unhappiness, use the technique of rational self-analysis to move yourself to rational concern.
‘People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.’ Ancient words, from a first-century philosopher named Epictetus — but they are just as true now.
Events and circumstances don’t cause your reactions — they result from what you tell yourself about the things that happen. Put simply, thoughts cause feelings and behaviours — or, more precisely, events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then create reactions. These processes are intertwined.
Look around. It is obvious that different people react differently to the same thing. The circumstance itself doesn’t cause the variation — so what does?
‘Our past,’ you might say. ‘Surely it’s all to do with the way we were brought up, things that happened to us as children, how other people treated us.’ Many people believe that past events, especially those of childhood, cause the way we feel and behave in the present.
Let us assume for the moment you are right (even though we know that people with similar backgrounds often handle life differently as adults). How is it, then, that things which happened in the past (and are thus no longer present) can influence our reactions now?
‘Well,’ you respond, ‘I guess our past experiences leave us with certain ways of looking at life that we keep and carry round with us in the present.’
Now we are getting there. The past is significant — but only in so far as it leaves us with our current attitudes and beliefs. External events — whether in the past, present or future — cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of and begin to think about them.
The past is just that — the past. It has gone. What happened yesterday, last year or 30 years ago is no longer present. Past experiences helped form your belief system, but it is the beliefs you hold now (wherever they came from) which cause your reactions in the present. It is your choice to maintain old beliefs or to change them, and while you cannot alter the past, you can change what you tell yourself about it.
Being able to ask for help is often a good thing. Another person, be it a neighbour, friend, partner or professional helper, who is not involved emotionally with a problem, or who has information or expertise you lack, can be very useful. But it is possible to have too much of a good thing. Over-reliance on others can lead to self-defeating dependency, with symptoms and effects like the following:
You find yourself doing things for other people you don’t really want to.
You avoid doing things you would like because others might disapprove.
You constantly seek the advice of other people, and become paralysed with decision-making when you can’t get advice, or the advice you get from different people is contradictory.
You ask someone else’s permission or opinion before you do or say things.
You aren’t yourself around other people, instead behaving as you think they would want you to.
You often seek reassurance that you are doing the right thing.
You demand more of relationships than they can give.
You fear being alone, and are miserable when others are not around.
Self-direction
In contrast, taking responsibility for the direction of your life involves:
Choosing your goals, making sure they are your own.
Actively pursuing your goals, rather than waiting and dreaming.
Making your own decisions, even though you may seek opinions from others.
Choosing to work at managing stress, developing your potential, and changing things you dislike, rather than just drifting along or expecting a miracle to occur.
Not condemning any person (including yourself) when things go wrong in your life, even though you or someone else may be responsible; but rather identifying any causes and looking for solutions.
Self-direction does not mean open opposition and noncooperation with others. You can keep your self-direction on the right track by balancing it with other principles such as enlightened self-interest, long-range enjoyment, moderation, and flexibility.
There are several prerequisites for self-direction. First, you need to see what happens to you as influenced (though not totally controlled) by what you do. As we saw earlier, inner-controlled people tend to be assertive, get on with life, and do not see themselves as victims. Second, to direct your own life you need to know what you want to do with it. Have you clarified your goals and values? Chapter Nine will show you how to do this.
Limits to self-direction
Some of what happens to you will be out of your control, and this will place limits on how much you can influence them. Remember, though, that how you react is your responsibility.
Further, while self-direction implies independence, it recognises some limits in the interests of mutual support and cooperation with others.
If carried too far, commitment can become obsession. Don’t get so involved with one or a few things that other areas of your life suffer. Avoid, for example, allowing work to stop you from any recreational activity, or recreation to leave no time for relationships.
Why self-direction is important to your mental health
Self-direction can affect your health. Salvatore Maddi, from the University of Chicago, ran courses for men and women in management aimed at increasing their sense of control. These led to lower anxiety, depression, obsessiveness, headaches, insomnia, and blood pressure, as well as more job satisfaction – results which lasted well beyond the end of the courses (reported in Asbell, Bernard: What They Know About You. Random House, New York, 1991, p.261).
Aiming for your own goals rather than having others direct your life will affect how you implement key stress management strategies, such as how you manage your time, assert yourself, and maintain stimulation and variety in your life by doing the things you want.
Developing self-direction and commitment
Make a list of things you do that indicate lack of self-direction. Watch for the behaviours listed at the beginning of this chapter. Select one item each week and deliberately act differently, in line with what you would rather be doing. If the discomfort involved is a block, the techniques of rational self-analysis and imagery will help you deal with the self-defeating beliefs involved and increase your discomfort-tolerance.
Is loneliness a problem for you? Fear of being alone often leads to conformity or destructive relationships. Also, if you can’t enjoy your own company, it is unlikely that others will. Loneliness compounds itself. Loneliness actually has little to do with being alone. You can feel lonely in a crowd. Loneliness results from self-defeating beliefs about being on your own – in particular, beliefs about your own ‘unworthiness’. You can help yourself with self-acceptance and commitment:
Accepting yourself will reduce any need to have other people around you to ‘make you feel good’.
Develop hobbies and interests that do not depend on other people but which you find absorbing.
Confront loneliness with exposure. Get used to your own company by deliberately organising yourself to be alone, while filling your time with satisfying activities.
Set and maintain appropriate boundaries which even close friends do not cross. Allow people only so far when it comes to your time, body, money and property. Avoid overloading your supporters – set limits on the demands you make of them.
Remember that you, ultimately, have control over your own emotions – so you can accept support from others confident that whatever happens, you will still be able to cope with your feelings.
Do you think that you can be happier just drifting through life with only superficial commitments; or that you could not stand losing anything important to you, so you must avoid becoming committed to anything? Your avoidance is probably based on discomfort-intolerance. You see that taking responsibility and confronting unpleasant situations is uncomfortable (which it usually is), but irrationally regard that discomfort as ‘awful’, ‘unbearable’, and tell yourself that you must avoid it at all costs.
The problems of avoidance
Avoidance is only easier in the short term – it usually creates greater problems later on:
Avoiding decisions or action maintains tension and leaves problems unsolved.
Action and persistence are needed to break unwanted patterns of behaviour and achieve personal change.
A life of superficial involvement leads to boredom and dissatisfaction.
Commitment is required for confidence to develop. You don’t, for example, develop confidence in playing a musical instrument unless you commit yourself to practising with it.
Commitment
Taking responsibility for your emotions and behaviours lays the basis for taking control over your life and committing yourself to action and involvement.
Actively pursuing your goals, rather than waiting and dreaming.
Choosing to work at managing stress, developing your potential, and changing things you dislike, rather than just drifting along or expecting a miracle to occur.
There are two elements to commitment:
Perseverance. The ability to bind yourself emotionally and intellectually to courses of action. This involves a willingness to do the necessary work (and tolerate the discomfort involved) in personal change and goal-achievement.
Deep involvement. The ability to enjoy and become absorbed in (but not addicted to) other people, activities and interests as ends in themselves – where you get pleasure from the doing, irrespective of the final result. This may include such areas as work, sports, hobbies, creative activities, and the world of ideas.
If carried too far, commitment can become obsession. Don’t get so involved with one or a few things that other areas of your life suffer. Avoid, for example, allowing work to stop you from any recreational activity, or recreation to leave no time for relationships.
Developing a committed approach to life
Increase your commitment by making a decision now to develop one new interest in your life in which you will get absorbed. Commit yourself to taking some steps toward it over the next week or so. Feel uncomfortable? Use rational self-analysis and imagery to cope with the feelings involved.
Start confronting the things you have been avoiding. Make the appointment with your doctor or dentist, sign up for that exercise programme, give up smoking — or whatever it is you have been putting off. Again, use rational self-analysis and imagery to cope with any discomfort involved.
Begin by making a list of avoided situations. Decide which to work on first. Next, carry out a rational self-analysis. This will prepare you, by reducing your anxiety and giving you new, rational beliefs to use when you are in the situation. When writing down your beliefs, use ‘What if’ questions to identify the worst possible outcomes you can foresee and how you would deal with them. For example, ‘What if I enter the situation? What will happen, what will I feel, and what will be the result?’ Get rid of any ideas that you must cope perfectly or avoid looking foolish.
For a start, catch yourself doing it. Know the cues to watch for: looking at things in extremes, only seeing negatives, building up the bad points in a situation (be it past, present or future), ‘reading’ other people’s minds, predicting the future, assuming that what you feel is reality, and relating everything back to yourself.
Watch especially for rigid thinking. When you find yourself resisting other ways of viewing something, this could be a sign that you are locking yourself into a narrowed, distorted viewpoint.
Stop using words which exaggerate — like always, forever, totally, all, everything, everybody, nothing, nobody, never and the like.
Get things back into balance — by looking for the side of the picture you have been filtering out. Make a list, for example, of the positives and the negatives. If you cannot find both, you know you are distorting reality. Few things are either one way or the other — so keep listing.
Develop the habit of sticking to the facts — as far as you can unearth them. When you think you might be jumping to conclusions, ask yourself, ‘What evidence do I have for assuming this? Is it the most likely explanation for the facts available? Are there any others which may be just as valid?’
If you are worrying about something, rate the chances of it happening on a scale of, say, 0–100 per cent. Being this specific will help you clarify vague predictions.
Finally, if it is possible, check out your interpretation of something you are concerned about and see how it compares with reality.
Getting things back into perspective
Take a look at the list of typical distortions below. Alongside each, to show ‘in-perspective’ thinking, is a more realistic alternative.
Distorted thinking Realistic thinking
I’m a total failure. I failed this time.
Everything’s wrong. I’m facing some problems at present.
It’s got to be done perfectly or not at all. I’d prefer to get it just right, but less than perfect will do.
This is totally wrong. I disagree with some aspects of this.
She made me angry. I don’t like what she did, but I made myself angry by the way I viewed it.
She did it because she hates me. I don’t know why she did it. There’s more than one possible explanation.
Everyone will think I’m stupid. Some people may be critical of me.
I’ll never be happy again. Sure, things aren’t so good now. But how do I know what the future holds?
All I get is pain. I get a lot of pain. But there are also some good things that happen — if I’d only be prepared to notice them.
Sometimes it is hard to know for sure just what is going on. You won’t always have enough information to be certain. But it is important to at least recognise that there may be more than one way to interpret a given situation. By doing so you can avoid jumping to erroneous and possibly harmful conclusions.
That could be the best way to avoid distorting reality: retain a healthy scepticism about it.
We constantly interpret what goes on around us — what others do or say, events we observe, and things we read in the newspaper or see on TV. We also interpret things that have happened in the past, or which may happen in the future. In addition, we interpret our own actions, and even the physical sensations and emotional changes happening inside us.
By interpreting, I mean that we draw conclusions about what we think is happening. Sometimes our interpretations are correct, but often they are wrong.
Seven ways to get things wrong
Psychiatrist Aaron Beck has studied and listed the ways people can get things out of perspective. His research shows that our feelings are in proportion to how we describe events and situations, rather than to the actual intensity of those things themselves. The main ways in which we can misinterpret things that happen, adapted from Dr Beck’s list, are presented here.
Black-and-white thinking
People often see things in extremes, with no middle ground — good or bad, perfect versus useless, success or failure, right against wrong, moral versus immoral, and so on. By doing this, they miss the reality that things rarely are one way or the other but usually somewhere in-between. In other words, there are shades of grey. Another name for this distortion is all-or-nothing thinking. It involves self-talk like:
‘If it’s not perfect, then it’s useless.’
‘If you don’t love me, then you must hate me.’
‘Either I succeed, or I’m a total failure.’
‘If I mess up this part, I may as well give up the whole thing.’
Filtering
If you tend to see all the things that are wrong but ignore the positives, then you are filtering. Here are some examples:
‘I can’t see anything good about my situation.’
‘I don’t have any good points.’
‘There’s no hope.’
‘All I get is pain.’
Do you ever find yourself seeing all that’s going wrong in your life but ignoring the things that are going right? It’s easy to take the positives for granted because they are part of everyday life. What about, for instance, the fact that you are capable of reading this book? What other positives can you bring to mind that are so basic you wouldn’t normally be conscious of them?
Overgeneralising
People often build up one thing about themselves or their circumstances and end up thinking that it represents the whole situation or happens all the time, or is part of a never-ending pattern. For example:
‘Everything’s going wrong.’
‘Nothing I do ever turns out right.’
‘I’ll always be a failure.’
‘There’s no hope.’
Mind-reading
There are various ways in which we can jump to a conclusion without enough evidence. One of these is mind-reading — making guesses about what other people are thinking:
‘She ignored me on purpose.’
‘You don’t really love me.’
‘They think I’m boring.’
‘You’re only saying that because . . . ‘
Fortune-telling
Another way of jumping to a conclusion is to treat beliefs about the future as though they were realities rather than just predictions:
‘I’ll be depressed for ever.’
‘I’ll never get another job.’
‘Things can only get worse.’
Emotional reasoning
Yet another way to leap to a conclusion is to tell yourself that because you feel a certain way, this is how it really is:
‘I feel like a failure, so I must be one.’
‘If I’m angry, you must have done something to make me so.’
‘I wouldn’t be worrying if there wasn’t something to worry about.’
‘Because I feel unattractive, I must be.’
Emotional reasoning can, for example, keep you thinking anger is ‘justified’, sustain a vicious circle of self-downing, or make worrying feed on itself.
Personalising
You can also jump to a conclusion by thinking that something is directly connected with you:
‘Everyone is looking at me.’
‘That criticism was meant for me.’
‘It must have been me that made her feel bad.’
‘He didn’t return my greeting. What did I do?’
Personalising can make you feel self-conscious, guilty, or responsible for events you may not have caused — including other people’s problems and emotions.
How does one actually set about achieving self-control and choice? The best place to start is by learning how to identify the thoughts and beliefs which cause your problems.
Next, learn how to apply this knowledge by analysing specific episodes where you feel and behave in the ways you would like to change. It is most effective to do this in writing at first, and later it will become easier to do it in your head. You connect whatever started things off, your reaction, and the thoughts which came in between. You then check out those thoughts and change the self-defeating ones. This method, called Rational Self-Analysis, uses the ABC approach described earlier, extended to include sections for setting a goal or new desired effect (‘E’), disputing and changing beliefs (‘D’), and, finally, further action to put those changes into practice (‘F’).
That final step is important. You will get there faster when you put into action what you have changed in your mind. Let us say you decide to stop feeling guilty when you do something for yourself. The next step is to do it. Spend an hour a day reading a novel. Purchase some new clothes. Have coffee with a friend or a weekend away without the family. Do the things you would previously have regarded as ‘undeserved’.
Note that we are not talking about so-called ‘positive thinking’. Rational thinking is realistic thinking. It is concerned with facts – the real world – rather than subjective opinion or wishful thinking.
Realistic thinking leads to realistic emotions. Negative feelings aren’t always bad for you. Neither are all positive feelings beneficial. Feeling happy when someone you love has died, for example, may hinder you from grieving properly. Or to be unconcerned in the face of real danger could put your survival at risk. Realistic thinking avoids exaggeration of both kinds – negative and positive.
Overcoming obstacles
While change is possible, it is not easy – mainly because of a very human tendency known as ‘low-discomfort tolerance’.
Most of us want to be physically and emotionally comfortable. But personal change means giving up some old habits of thinking and behaving and ‘safe’ ways of approaching life.
Whereas before you may have blamed others for your problems, now you start to take responsibility for yourself and what you want. You risk new ways of thinking and acting. You step out into the unknown. This could increase your stress and emotional pain – temporarily. In other words, you may well feel worse before you feel better.
Telling yourself that you ’can’t stand it’ could lead you to avoid change. You might decide to stick with the way things are, unpleasant though it is. You know you would be better off in the long run, but you choose to avoid the extra pain now.
Or you might look for a quick solution. Do you hope that somewhere there’s a fancy therapy which will cure you straight away – without you having to do anything? I meet many people who try therapist after therapist, but never stay with one approach long enough to learn anything that will help. They still live in hope, though, and often get a brief boost from meeting new therapists or therapy groups.
As well as fearing discomfort, you may also worry that you ’won’t be a real person’. You think that you will end up ‘pretending’ to feel and behave in new ways, and imagine yourself as false or phoney. Somehow, it seems, to choose how you feel seems ‘less than human’. You are, though, already choosing your reactions – even though you may not be fully aware of doing so. And using conscious choice is what sets humans apart from instinct-bound animals. It is also what makes you a unique person – different to every other. So give up the notion that it is false and machine-like to use your brain to avoid bad feelings. Getting depressed, worried, and desperate does not make you more human.
You might worry that learning self-control will make you cold and unemotional, with no feelings at all. This common fear is quite misguided. The opposite is true: if you learn how to handle strong feelings you will be less afraid of them. This will free you to experience a fuller range of emotions than before.
While self-improvement may be hard, it is achievable. The blocks I have described are all self-created. They are nothing more than beliefs – ideas that can be changed using practical techniques you can learn.
Rational thinking is not just academic theory. People from a wide range of social and educational backgrounds have already used it successfully. You will be able to as well.
It is true that human beings start life with a biological predisposition to irrational thinking, which they then add to by learning new and harmful ways of behaving and viewing life. But there is a positive side to human nature – we also have the ability to think about our beliefs and change the dysfunctional ones.
What about problems you can’t sort out on your own? Some outside help may be a useful supplement to your self-help efforts. Whether or not you have such help, though, taking responsibility for your feelings and actions will be the key to success. You will also need some hard work and perseverance. But, happily, by learning how to identify and change self-defeating beliefs and attitudes, these things can be within your control – and happiness within your reach.
Internal or external control?
To take responsibility and gain control over your emotions and behaviours, change what you tell yourself about the cause.
External Control Internal Control
She makes me sick. I make myself sick by the way I view her behaviour.
I can’t help the way I feel. I can help myself feel differently by changing my views.
How can I feel good when everyone treats me so unfairly? I can’t change the way others act – but I can change the way I view their actions.
I can’t help my behaviour. I have difficulty controlling my behaviour because I tell myself I am not responsible.
She made me do it. I chose to do it. I could choose not to, in future.
I’m just the way I am. True – but I could choose to be different if I made the effort to change.
To take responsibility for how you feel and behave, change what you tell yourself about the cause. Here’s a new belief to help you:
‘Many external factors are outside my control. But it is my thoughts (not the externals) which cause my feelings – and I can learn to control my thoughts.’
It is awful and intolerable to be frustrated from having things the way I want. If I tell myself that frustration is awful, I’ll only set myself up to get anxious when I think it’s coming – and bitter and twisted when it does happen.
I can’t stand it when people don’t act as they should. I don’t like it, but I can survive it – and survive better when I don’t lose my cool over it.
My circumstances have to be right for life to be tolerable. It is disappointing when things aren’t the way I’d like them to be, but it is not awful — and I can stand less than the ideal.
Because I can’t stand being frustrated, I must avoid it at all costs. Total avoidance would mean a very restricted life. Though I don’t like frustration, I can tolerate it.
How to raise your tolerance for frustration
Know when you are engaging in LFT behaviour. Keep a log of such behaviour for several weeks or longer. Watch for things like overusing drugs or alcohol, compulsive gambling, shopping, exercising, or bingeing on food, losing your temper.
The technique of exposure is an important way to increase your tolerance. Make a list of things to which you typically overreact – situations, events, risks and so on. Commit yourself to face at least one of these each day. Instead of trying to get away from the frustration as you normally would, stay with the frustration until it diminishes of its own accord. You might, for instance, go without desserts for a while, have two beers instead of four, leave the children’s toys on the floor, or the like.
Another useful technique is rational self-analysis. Analyse your frustration – while you are feeling it, if possible, otherwise, as soon as possible afterwards.
Other techniques you may find helpful are rational cards, the catastrophe scale, and reframing.
Moving from LFT to high frustration-tolerance
To raise your tolerance for frustration, change your view of it. Here is a new belief do help you do that:
‘There is no law which says that things have to be the way I want. It’s disappointing when they are not, but I can stand it — especially if I avoid awfulising about frustration and demanding that it not happen.’
We all want life to be organised according to our preferences. This surely makes sense! What then is the problem? Unfortunately, we often go beyond just wanting – we believe that things must be our way. This reflects a human tendency called ‘low frustration-tolerance’.
I suspect that this tendency is one of the most common, underlying causes of distress in human beings. Paradoxically, it seems to be the one of which people are most unconscious! A concept developed by psychologist Albert Ellis, low frustration-tolerance (LFT) arises from believing that frustration is unbearable and therefore must be avoided at all costs.
What is low frustration-tolerance?
Low frustration-tolerance (LFT) is caused by catastrophising about being frustrated and demanding that it not happen. It is based on beliefs like:
‘The world owes me contentment and happiness.’
‘Things should be as I want them to be, and I can’t stand it when they are not.’
‘It is intolerable to be frustrated, so I must avoid it at all costs.’
‘Other people should not do things that frustrate me.’
LFT is closely related to low discomfort-tolerance (LDT), which arises from catastrophising about discomfort (including the discomfort of negative emotions), with an internal demand that it be avoided. The two types are similar and closely related. Frustration is uncomfortable, and discomfort is frustrating. Often one expression is used to refer to both types.
Low frustration-tolerance arises from demands that things be as we want, usually coupled with awfulising and discomfort-intolerance when this does not happen.
The problem with low frustration-tolerance
Low frustration-tolerance creates distress in many ways:
Anxiety results when people believe that they should or must get what they want (and not get what they don’t want), and that it is awful and unbearable (rather than merely inconvenient or disadvantageous) when things don’t happen as they ‘must’.
Short-range enjoyment, a common human tendency, is the seeking of immediate pleasure or avoidance of pain, at the cost of long-term stress. Examples include such things as alcohol, drug and food abuse; watching television at the expense of exercising; practising unsafe sex; or overspending to avoid feeling deprived.
Addictive tendencies. Low frustration-tolerance is a key factor in the development of addictions. To resist the impulse of the moment and go without is ‘too frustrating’. It seems easier to give in to the urge to misuse alcohol, take drugs, gamble, or exercise obsessively.
Negativity and complaining. Low frustration-tolerance may cause you to become distressed over small hindrances and setbacks, overconcerned with unfairness, and prone to make comparisons between your own and others’ circumstances. Negativity tends to alienate others, with the loss of their support.
Anger. LFT leads to hostile anger when someone does something you dislike, or fails to give you what you want.
The alternative: high frustration-tolerance
High frustration-tolerance means accepting the reality of frustration and keeping its badness in perspective.
To accept frustration is to acknowledge that, while you may dislike it, there is no Law of the Universe says you ‘should’ be exempt from it (though you may prefer to be). You expect to experience appropriate negative emotions like annoyance and disappointment. But you avoid exaggerating these emotions (by telling yourself you can’t stand them) into depression, hostile anger, hurt, or self-pity.
Changing what you tell yourself about frustration
See the list of typical frustration-intolerance thoughts below. Alongside each is a more realistic alternative.
The technique of Rational self-analysis is described in detail, along with some practice exercises, in the book Choose to be Happy.
Cognitive techniques
There are some additional tools that will help you deal with stress and develop a functional coping philosophy. Most of the techniques in this and the next two sections can be used either alone or as part of completing a rational self-analysis.
Reading
Keep educating yourself about the world and the people in it. Get information on particular problems from sources like books, magazine articles, pamphlets, and the internet.
Rational cards
After disputing a self-defeating belief, take a small card and write the old belief on the top and the new belief at the bottom. Carry the card with you for a week or so, and take it out of your pocket or purse and read it eight to ten times a day. This will take less than thirty seconds each time, but the repetition can be very productive for establishing a new rational belief. Don’t be misled by the simplicity of this technique – it can be surprisingly effective. Note that a new thought requires daily practice for about twenty-one days before it becomes a habit, so refer to the card at least once a day for a few more weeks.
Catastrophe scale
This is a technique to get things back into perspective when you find yourself awfulising. On a sheet of paper draw a line down one side. Put 100% at the top, 0% at the bottom, and fill in the rest at 10% intervals. At each level, write in something you think could legitimately be rated at that level. You might, for example, put 0% – ‘Having a quiet cup of coffee at home’, 20% – ‘Having to mow the lawns when the rugby is on television’, 70% – being burgled, 90% – being diagnosed with cancer, 100% – being burned alive, and so on. Whenever you are upset about something, ascertain what rating you are (subconsciously) giving it and pencil it on your chart. Then see how it compares to the items already there. Usually what happens is that you will realise you have been exaggerating the badness involved. Move the item down the list until you feel it is in perspective. Keep the chart and add to it from time to time.
Reframing
This is another strategy for getting bad events into perspective. One way to reframe events is to reevaluate them as ‘disappointing’, ‘concerning’, or ‘uncomfortable’ rather than ‘awful’ or ‘unbearable’. Another way is to see that even negative events almost always have a positive side to them, listing all the positives you can think of.
Benefits calculation
This is a way to break through decision-making blocks. It is based on the principle that we are likely to be happiest when our decisions take into account both the desirability of getting enjoyment now, and continuing to get it in the future. To carry out a calculation, list all the factors that seem relevant to the decision. Include the likelihood of short- and long-term consequences for each factor. Decide how much value or benefit each item has to you, negatively or positively, then add up the pro’s and con’s.
Imagery techniques
Rational emotive imagery
Using the power of your imagination, REI can prepare you to deal with situations you would rather avoid because of anxiety. The steps, showing an illustrative example, are as follows:
Procedure
Example
Imagine, vividly and clearly, the event or situation with which you have trouble.
You have to inform a staff member their request for promotion has been turned down due to their poor performance record.
Allow yourself to feel – strongly – the self-defeating emotion which follows.
Anxiety
Note the thoughts creating that emotion.
He will be upset. I couldn’t stand feeling responsible. I must find a way to say it without him getting upset.
Force the emotion to change to a more functional (but realistic) feeling. It is possible to do this, even though briefly.
Concern
Note the thoughts you used to change the emotion.
It will be uncomfortable, but it won’t kill me. While I would prefer him not to get upset, his emotions are his responsibility – I cannot control his feelings or be responsible for them.
Practice the technique daily for a while.
Coping rehearsal
Coping rehearsal is a variation of rational-emotive imagery. You imagine experiencing the dysfunctional reaction you anticipate, then imagine yourself changing the self-defeating thinking involved, and feeling and behaving in more functional ways. Here are the steps you would follow:
Do a rational self-analysis.
Vividly imagine yourself in the situation you are concerned about.
Feel the emotions that follow and see yourself behaving in the self-defeating ways you anticipate, and repeating the self-defeating beliefs you listed in the analysis.
Then imagine yourself (still in the situation) disputing and replacing those self-defeating beliefs, using the rational alternatives you developed with your analysis. Feel your negative emotion reducing to a level you can handle, and visualise yourself acting appropriately.
You can use this to prepare yourself for many situations – behaving assertively, giving a talk, coping with a job interview, negotiating a contract, and so on.
The ‘blow-up’ technique
Use the power of humour to get a feared situation into perspective. Imagine whatever it is you fear happening, then blow it up out of all proportion till you cannot help but be amused by it. Laughing at your fears will help you get control of them.
Let’s say, for example, you are afraid to assert yourself with a co-worker who dumps her work onto you. Visualise yourself telling her how you feel about it. See her accusing you loudly of being selfish and unwilling to work as part of a team, the rest of the office gathering around and agreeing with her, management called in to deal with you, the police called to take you away, your picture and a description of your actions on the television news, the country in uproar, the Government passing an Act to have you personally restrained from ever confronting anyone again, the army, complete with tanks and artillery, patrolling your workplace to make sure you stay in line.
Time projection
This technique is designed to show that one’s life, and the world in general, continue after a feared or unwanted event has come and gone.
Visualise the unwanted event occurring, then imagine going forward in time a week, then a month, then six months, then a year, two years, and so on. Consider how you will be feeling at each of these points in time. You will eventually see that life will go on, even though you may need to make some adjustments.
You can use this with a range of events and circumstances, such as actual or feared redundancy, loss of a contract, business failure, reduction in income, death of a loved one, disability, failure to pass an examination, and so on.
Behavioural techniques
It is important to put your cognitive changes into actual practice. Behavioural techniques, or ‘action assignments’, will help you in a number of ways. You can deepen and consolidate rational beliefs by acting in accordance with the new beliefs and against the old ones. You can raise your tolerance for frustration and discomfort by deliberately exposing yourself to them. And you can experiment with and practice new ways of handling problematical situations.
Exposure to real life situations
Exposure involves deliberately putting yourself into real-life situations you tend to avoid. The main purposes are to test out beliefs (like, for example, that you can’t stand rejection) and to increase your tolerance for discomfort.
It is helpful to deliberately set up the situations rather than wait for them to occur. You can prepare for them, so they are under your control. The advance practice will then help you cope when they happen unexpectedly.
Here are some of the ways you can use real-life exposure:
Shame attacking. This involves doing things you have previously avoided through fear of what other people might think. It will increase your tolerance for discomfort, reduce your overconcern about disapproval, and increase your ability to take (sensible) risks. The actions need to be things that other people are likely to notice and disapprove of. Here are some examples:
If you are obsessive about your appearance, go out wearing unmatched items of clothing or without your usual grooming.
If you worry about behaving correctly in front of others, break some minor social convention.
Face your fear of being seen as stupid by expressing an opinion to a group of people.
Risk-taking. The purpose is to challenge beliefs that certain behaviours are too dangerous to risk, when reason tells you that while the outcome is not guaranteed, they are worth the chance. Some examples:
Combat perfectionism or fear of failure by starting tasks where there is a good chance of failing or not matching your expectations.
Face fear of rejection by seeking it out – talk to an attractive person at a party, or ask someone to go out with you.
Real-life desensitisation. Deliberately enter situations you fear in order to discover that you survive or that you can learn to handle them. For example, if you are afraid of being in lifts, go into a lift several times a day for about a month till the fear diminishes.
Paradoxical behaviour
When you have difficulty with something, actually do it or make it happen. Behaving in new ways will help you change dysfunctional tendencies.
Step out of character. If you are perfectionistic, deliberately do some things to less than your usual standard. If you feel guilty because you think you are a ‘selfish’ person, do something nice for yourself each day for a week. If you rush around a lot but worry you are not getting enough done, deliberately slow down and take long breaks where you do nothing but relax.
Postponing gratification. If your problem is undue frustration when you have to wait for what you want, deliberately delay gratification with one thing each day for a month or two.
Role-playing
Role-playing difficult situations will enable you to test out and practice different ways of coping with them before you face the real thing. Role-playing is often used when the situation involves communicating with others. Practising assertiveness is a common example.
Role-play with a trusted friend or colleague. Repeat the role-play till you feel you have got it right. Get the other person to give you feedback on how you came across, so you can gradually refine your technique.
Don’t take foolhardy risks. Avoid doing anything that might cause injury, or unduly alarm or disrupt the lives of others.
The object of action assignments is not to ‘succeed’. The real purpose is to expose yourself to problematical situations, to either test them out or increase your tolerance. If your risk-taking always succeeded, you would do little to raise your tolerance for discomfort. Often what you fear will not actually occur – but it is better that it sometimes does. For example, you would not develop the confidence you could handle rejection till you were actually rejected a few times.
You can either start at the deep end and tackle the things that bother you most, or take a graduated approach. With the latter, start by preparing a list of the things you find difficult, and order them into a hierarchy according to the level of anxiety you associate with each. Then confront the situations systematically, working your way up from the low-anxiety items through to the high-level ones. Don’t try to avoid all discomfort. If you make it too easy, you will do little to increase your tolerance.
You can prepare yourself in advance of confronting a problematical situation by using the techniques described earlier. Imagery can help you cope emotionally. Role-playing can give you confidence.
For new behaviours to consolidate, you will usually need to carry them out on a number of occasions over a period of time.
Making rational techniques work for you – the importance of persevering
The techniques you have learned here will be very helpful as you seek to change self-defeating thinking. But they will only work if you use them – and keep on using them. Keep in mind, too, that even when you have been coping well for a while, humans tend to go back to previously dysfunctional methods of coping when under significant stress. So don’t get discouraged when you find yourself worrying again, drinking more, or avoiding discomfort like you used to. Use this as a signal that you are under extra stress and need to dust off your new coping skills and consciously put them into practice. See the page on motivation for some help if you feel blocked.
As time goes on, the new ways of reacting will become more automatic. This happens when you use slip-backs as further opportunities to practice your coping skills. So don’t see your downturns as events that ’shouldn’t’ happen. Rather, view them as inevitable human occurrences that you can use to your longer-term advantage.
Do you ever tell yourself that you can’t stand, tolerate or endure something? You can make it harder to cope with unpleasant situations when you have thoughts like:
I can’t stand it any longer.
I can’t bear … .
It’s intolerable … .
I’d never be able to live with myself if … .
What we’re often afraid of is not the situation itself, but rather the unpleasant feelings we associate with it. In other words, we anticipate feeling bad (e.g. putting ourselves down, getting anxious, feeling rejected or hurt, etc.) and tell ourselves we simply can’t stand the discomfort of feeling like that. This in turn leads to the demand: Because I can’t stand to experience such discomfort, therefore I must not. Unfortunately, such a combination of awfulising and demanding makes us even more uptight!
This common tendency is known as discomfort-intolerance, or low discomfort-tolerance (colloquially called ’can’t-stand-it-itis’). It is a significant cause of many of the emotional problems that afflict human beings.
Discomfort anxiety
Low discomfort-tolerance leads to discomfort anxiety: the unpleasant sensation that occurs when we perceive some threat to our physical or emotional comfort. As well as discomfort-intolerance, awfulising and demanding are usually involved:
‘I can’t stand discomfort and pain.’
‘It is terrible to feel bad.’
‘I must not experience discomfort.’
If we kept our desire for comfort as a preference, we would be just disappointed or concerned when it was not met. Turning comfort into an absolute ’need’ is what makes it seem catastrophic. It also creates what is called secondary disturbance – having a problem about a problem. If we catastrophise about discomfort, and demand that we avoid it, we make ourselves uncomfortable!
In real life, things often are different to how we would like them to be. By turning our wants into demands, we set ourselves up to be frustrated by reality. In fact, demanding is the underlying cause of many human problems.
Take anxiety. We often catastrophise about what will happen if a need is not met or a rule is broken. We get anxious by demanding rigid standards – especially when we think we might feel guilty or put ourselves down if we do not match up. Performance demands can make us so uptight, our achievement level drops. Men become sexually impotent, perfectionists set themselves up for failure.
Demanding can lead to obsessive or compulsive behaviours – reading a boring book right through, finishing a meal when already full, over-checking the locks at night to ensure security, washing one’s hands all the time to avoid infection, vacuuming the house twice a day, and the like. People often keep on with things that are not in their interests because they think they have no choice.
Demanding is the main cause of hostile anger. We get angry when our ‘needs’ are not met, or when people do not behave as we think they ‘should’. We can direct this anger onto ourselves, too, and become depressed.
Because shoulds conflict with wants, we can find it hard to make decisions, ask others for what we want or act on our own wishes. We might do things we dislike out of a sense of duty, but still feel frustrated or resentful.
If we think that we need love, sex, attention, consideration and affection, our demands can turn people off. We can also get resentful or jealous when others do not behave as they ‘ought to’, or when they treat us ‘unfairly’.
Why do human beings demand?
Given that demanding is so unhelpful, why do we do it? To begin with, we are taught to. From our earliest days we are surrounded by shoulds and should nots. Most people communicate with others in these terms.
Demanding may serve subconscious purposes. It can be a convenient way to justify our wants. John, for instance, found it easier to tell himself and others that he ‘needed’ sex – rather than just admit he wanted it. This also enabled him to put pressure on his wife: ‘I need it so you should give it to me.’ It’s tempting to deny responsibility for our own wants and demand that others give to us because they ‘should’ or it’s their ‘duty’.
Demanding is a way to avoid thinking. Instead of working out for ourselves why we might want things to be a certain way, it’s simpler to fall back on: ‘It should be that way.’ We can also use this to push our values on to other people without having to justify them. You cannot argue with a law of the universe.
Demanding may arise from fear. As we saw in the previous chapter, human beings desire physical and emotional comfort. This is fine if we just prefer it. Unfortunately, though, we often tell ourselves that discomfort is awful and intolerable; so, to avoid it, certain things must or must not happen. In effect, we are afraid of our own feelings.
Many people believe that demanding helps motivate them. They use self-talk like: ‘I should get up earlier in the morning’; ‘I must get that project finished tonight’; or ‘I have to make a good job,’ thinking that this will help them get moving. The trouble is, it often has the opposite effect. It’s as though one part of you says ‘I should do this,’ but another part says: ‘I will not be bossed around!’ As a result, you resist your own should. Trying to motivate other people with demands often has the same effect – it turns them off.
You do not need the pain that demanding creates. There is a solution. The first step is to understand what are needs and what are not.
While there are many things we might want, there are, in reality, few things that are absolute necessities. We need air, food, clothing and shelter. We do not ‘need’ success, love, approval, or friends – no matter how much we may want them. Our lives will be better if we have these things, but we can survive without.
You do not have to give up your values
To get rid of your demands does not mean giving up what is important to you. Hold onto your ideas and values – but hold them as preferences.
Stop moralising about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Take a more practical approach. Focus on the results of rules, behaviours, or decisions. Ask yourself questions like the following:
Is this behaviour/rule helpful or unhelpful – and in what ways?
Will it advance or hinder me in achieving my goals?
Does it create emotions I can handle? Or does it leave me distressed and immobilised?
Does it promote my own and other’s aims and survival? Or does it lead me to act in harmful ways?
Does this belief help me keep in touch with the real world? Or does it contain misinterpretations, catastrophising, demands, or self/other-ratings?
Is it flexible – does it allow for exceptions when appropriate?
We are not suggesting an attitude of anarchy or ‘I don’t care.’ Guidelines are important. To check out those you took on as a child, and review them as circumstances change, is to show respect for the importance of guiding principles in your life.
Also, a flexible, preferring philosophy is not a self-centred one. It is in your own long-term interests to consider the goals, wants, and concerns of other people (in other words, their preferences) along with your own.
A helpful value is one you have chosen to adopt. It serves some useful purposes. It helps you and others achieve what is important to you both. Above all, it’s a preference rather than a must.
Acceptance
Holding preferences instead of demands means accepting yourself, others, and the world around you.
People often misunderstand the idea of acceptance. They think that to accept something means one has to agree with it and give up trying to change it.
But that is not what it means at all. To accept something is to recognise two things: (a) that it exists, and (b) that there is no universal law which says it should not exist. You may not like it. You might want to do something to change it (and perhaps plan to). But you avoid demanding that it not be as it is.
This is important for several reasons. First, if you tell yourself that something should not be the way it is, you are really saying that reality should not exist! Have you ever heard, for instance, people say: ‘You cannot do that’ about something which someone has already done?
Second, it’s helpful to say that you do not like something and would prefer to change it. This can motivate you to take action. But demanding a reality not exist is more likely to create disabling feelings such as despair or hostile anger.
Finally, if you avoid hurting yourself over current realities, you will be better equipped to start changing them.
Getting Demands Back To Preferences
Get those ‘musts’ back into perspective. Here are some examples of demands turned into preferences:
Demand
Preference
I need to feel good and avoid physical or emotional pain at all times.
I’d prefer to feel good and avoid pain, but demanding this will guarantee that I get uptight!
Everything I do must be to a high standard.
High standards are desirable – but not always essential. Making them into musts will only get me anxious (and, probably, inhibit my performance).
Difficulties and handicaps should not exist.
Difficulties and handicaps do exist. Demanding will not make them go away. Better to change them, if possible – otherwise learn to live with them.
I must have love and approval from everyone who is significant to me.
Love and approval are good to have. But they are not essential to my survival. As I will not always get them, better I learn to depend less on them.
If you want something badly enough, then it’s a need.
The ‘need’ exists in my head. If I believe it, though, I will upset myself when my ‘need’ is not met.
Other people must always behave in a correct and right fashion for life to be bearable.
In real life, people do not always behave correctly. There is no reason they should – though many reasons I’d prefer them to.
My circumstances must always be right for me to be happy.
My circumstances are not always going to suit me. Better to change what I can, otherwise accept what I cannot.
Changing the way you think is the secret to feeling better and behaving in more functional ways. But changing beliefs is more easily said than done – as the saying goes, old habits die hard. Fortunately, there are many strategies and techniques you can use to help make the changes that are in your interests.
A key technique: Rational Self-Analysis
Probably the most useful technique is Rational Self-Analysis. Doing an analysis, preferably in writing, enables you to identify and change the thoughts involved when you experience distress or behave in self-defeating ways. This helps you in the present and in the future – you deal with any current distress, and reduce the likelihood of reacting the same way from now on.
How to complete a self-analysis
The first thing to do when you are feeling or acting in a dysfunctional manner is to stop. Interrupt any self-defeating episodes. Take time out to get your brain working on the problem. Get a good-sized sheet of paper and follow this sequence:
Identify and write down the Activating event – the stress trigger (the ‘A’). What are you reacting to? Be brief – summarise the ‘A’.
Identify the Consequence – (the ‘C’) – how you felt and behaved in reaction to the ‘A’.
Identify your Beliefs – (the ‘B’). What you are telling yourself about the ‘A’?
Look for any distortions of reality – black and white thinking, filtering, over-generalising, mind-reading, fortune-telling, emotional reasoning, personalising.
Even more important, identify your evaluative beliefs. Ask questions like:
– What is ‘terrible’? (awfulising).
– What is ‘intolerable’? (discomfort-intolerance).
– What am I telling myself must/should be (or not be)? (demandingness).
– What I am labelling myself (or others)? (people-rating).
Finally, identify the underlying rule(s) on which you are operating.
Identify the new Effect you want – (‘E’). How would you prefer to feel or behave differently to how you reacted at ‘C’?
Your goal is to replace the self-defeating reaction with a more appropriate emotion or behaviour.
Make sure that any new emotion you want is realistic. Rather than attempt to replace an intense negative emotion with a strongly positive one, aim to substitute a more moderate negative feeling. If you are anxious, for example, do not make your goal to ‘feel great’. That would be unrealistic. It would be better to aim to be ‘concerned’. This is still a negative emotion, but more in perspective to the ‘A’ and less disabling than anxiety.
Dispute each of your beliefs – (‘D’). Substitute rational alternatives for those beliefs you decide are self-defeating. There are three ways to dispute a belief:
Empirical disputing: ‘Where is the proof?’ ‘What evidence is there?’ ‘Is there a Law of nature that proves … ? Or does the evidence really prove some other conclusion?’ ‘Is the ’Law’ really only in my head?’
Logical disputing: ‘Does it logically follow that because … (I want something, it’s unpleasant, I made a mistake)’ that ‘therefore … (I must get what I want, it’s awful, I am a total failure)?’
Pragmatic disputing: ‘Does it help?’ ‘Does believing this help me to be effective, achieve my goals, and be happy? Or does it create unneeded distress, difficulties with other people, or blocks to achieving my goals?’
Finally, develop a plan for Further Action – (‘F’). What can you do to reduce the chance of thinking and reacting the same old way in future? Some ideas for self-help action assignments follow later in this chapter.
An example
Here is an example of a Rational Self-Analysis to show how it works in practice.
A. Activating event (what started things off):
Head of Department criticised me in front of my team.C. Consequence (how I felt and/or behaved):
Stayed angry all day, took it out on my team, unable to concentrate on my work.B. Beliefs (what I told myself about the ‘A’):
It was awful to be put down in front of my subordinates. (awfulising).
I couldn’t stand it. (discomfort-intolerance).
She should have talked to me in private. (demandingness)
She’s a bitch. (people-rating)
I must always be treated in a fair and just manner, and it is awful and intolerable when I am not. (underlying rule)
People should always do the right thing. When they don’t, this shows how bad they are. (underlying rule)
E. New Effect I want (how I would prefer to feel/behave):
D. Disputation and new beliefs (that will help me achieve the new Effect I want):
It was uncomfortable, but hardly a source of abject terror!
I didn’t like it, but I stood it.
It would have been better for her to talk to me in private; but where is it written that she ‘should’ behave correctly at all times?
She is not a ‘bitch’ – she is just a person who sometimes does bitchy things.
I would prefer to always be treated fairly and justly; but nowhere is it written that I ‘must’; and though I dislike poor treatment, I can survive it.
It would be better if people always behaved correctly – but demanding that reality not exist will only screw me up. And a bad action does not make the total person bad.
F. Further action (what I will do to avoid the same dysfunctional thinking and reactions in future):
Re-read material on demandingness and how I can combat it.
Enrol for an assertiveness training workshop.
Once every day, deliberately choose to ignore a misdemeanour on the part of my staff, or other people in my life, to which I would normally react.
Learning and using rational self-analysis
The best way to learn self-analysis is to practice it in writing. Later, you will be able to do it in your head (though at times you will still find it helpful to get out pen and paper and analyse an episode more formally).
If you are like most people, you will start by doing analyses after an episode. Later, you will be able to do them while episodes are happening. Eventually, you will begin to anticipate dysfunctional reactions and interrupt them at the start.
You have your preferences – I have mine. We would all like the world to be a certain way. If we just left it at that, there would be no problem. Unfortunately, though, we often go beyond wanting. We turn desires into needs. Preferences become musts, and guidelines become unbending rules. This process of turning wants into need is called demanding.
What Is Demanding?
Demanding is a way of thinking – with two variations: ‘moralising’ and ‘musturbation’:
Moralising refers to the way humans turn guidelines (which may be perfectly reasonable and helpful) into absolute requirements. When we say that something ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be a certain way, it implies that there is a ‘Law of the Universe’ which humans should never fail to observe. Moralising often leads to people-rating: when we or others do not behave as we ‘ought to’, this means we are bad, immoral or evil people.
Musturbation is taking a want or desire and turning it into an absolute need or must. We think that because we want to be liked, therefore we must be liked; or because we want to avoid pain, therefore we must avoid it at all costs. Catastrophising usually goes along with musts – we believe that it would be awful or intolerable if our ‘needs’ were not met.
Demands are exaggerated preferences
Rules and wants are an everyday fact of life. They can be helpful or unhelpful. A particular ‘rule for living’ may be relevant to our current circumstances – or it may be out of date. A want can be achievable, or impossible. Whether or not our rules and wants are appropriate, though, they are unlikely to do us any harm if we hold them as preferences.
The problem is, we often inflate our preferences into needs. Because we want the world to be a certain way, it should be so. If we desire something, then we must have it. This is the heart of demanding – the exaggeration of a preference into a necessity.
Is there a more rational way to respond to events and circumstances you dislike? Yes – respond to frustration with a third type of anger: constructive anger.
Constructive anger involves moderate emotions like irritation, annoyance, dissatisfaction, displeasure, and disappointment. These are still angry feelings – but they will not cause you to lose your head. Constructive anger also involves moving beyond feeling angry to acting on it. In other words, doing something about the events and circumstances you dislike.
How do you make the change? Begin by giving up any moralising about your anger. Such moralising is pointless – because anger is neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’. It is just an emotion. And it is more useful to assess emotions on their effects than it is to sermonise about them.
It is quite reasonable to feel displeased about things you do not like. It makes no sense to feel good when you do not get what you desire, or things are not as you want them to be. Anger can be constructive when it energises you to change situations you are unhappy with.
Anger only becomes a problem when it turns into hostility, gets out of proportion, and takes you over. So see anger as being neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’. Evaluate your own feelings of anger in a practical way. Is it helping? Is it motivating you to change whatever you are unhappy with?
The next step is to tackle the demands that underlie your hostility – and change them to preferences. If you do not get what you think you ‘need’ or ‘must have’, or something does not happen as you think it ‘should’, then you will be prone to go over the top. But when a want, desire or preference is not met, you are more likely to feel disappointed or annoyed.
To help you move from demanding to preferring, ask yourself: ‘Where is it written that people should behave in certain ways, that I must never suffer bad feelings, that I need love and respect and others should give them to me, and that things generally should be the way I want?’ Recognise that in the real world, some of the time you get what you want, some of the time you do not.
When you identify the underlying rules that keep creating your anger, there are two things you can do. First, ask yourself: ’Is this rule still valid – or is it now outdated or irrelevant?
Second, what about the rules you decide are still valid? You can keep your ideals – you do not have to give away your values and forget about things which are important to you. All you do is turn them from demands back into preferences.
If you expect human beings to act imperfectly and the world to be less than fair, you are simply staying in touch with reality. You do not have to agree with the way things are – or stop trying to make changes. Just avoid any demands that past and present realities not exist when you know they already do. Then you will avoid unnecessary emotional pain. Remember: your demands will hurt you more than others.
You can also reduce your hostility by disputing the idea that people are what they do. How is it that someone who behaves stupidly, unfairly, or bastardly becomes stupid, unfair, or a bastard? Condemning the total person because of one action is like saying a car is useless because the radio does not work.
Deal with your own insecurity. Confront the idea that if people behave unfairly toward you it’s a challenge to your worth as a person. This shows that you are relying on other people always liking and accepting you in order to feel good about yourself. Deal with the underlying problem – the idea that you have to be a ‘worthy’ person. Learn how to accept yourself. Make sure, too, that you accept yourself anger and all. As we saw earlier, anger is not a moral issue. If you down yourself for getting angry, and rate yourself as an ‘angry person’, you risk living down to your label.
Is the sky really going to fall in? You can stand it when things are not as you want. After all, you are still here to tell the tale! Remind yourself that although it may be unpleasant, it is not the end of the world when things do not go right or when someone behaves badly.
But, again, keep in touch with reality. Do not try to tell yourself negative events are quite all right. This will not work – because you know it is not true. See adverse circumstances as uncomfortable, unpleasant, disappointing, or annoying – rather than disastrous or intolerable.
If you can, recheck your interpretations. Did the other person do what you are blaming them for? If they did, how do you know what goes on in their mind and what their real motivations were? How do you know they were trying to get at you? Try to think of alternative motives for their behaviour. Remember, though – do not just settle for questioning interpretations. Concentrate mainly on the evaluations that are the main cause of your hostile anger: the demanding, awfulising and discomfort-intolerance, and labelling of other people and yourself.
Rethinking your anger
To keep anger under your control, change what you tell yourself. Compare the two lists below:
Hostility-causing beliefs Rational alternatives
Others must never do anything to devalue me. The actions of others can’t ‘devalue’ me. I don’t magically change because of what others say or do.
I should be able to have the things I want, and live my life as I choose to. It is OK to want things my way (and try to achieve it), but it is not a law of the universe. It is disappointing when things go wrong, but I can stand it – . especially if I avoid demanding and catastrophising.
Other people should never behave in ways that frustrate or deprive me, or upset the stability of my existence. I’d prefer it if people didn’t do things I dislike. But, in real life, they sometimes do! Anyway, it’s not their actions . . which frustrate me – it’s my demanding thoughts.
If I didn’t get mad then things would never change. Getting mad disables me – and puts off other people from co-operating with me. I’m more likely to change things by keeping my head and being assertive rather than aggressive.
People should always behave in a correct and right fashion. In real life, people don’t always behave correctly. No amount of demanding is going to make this reality go away. Anyway, who decides what’s right?
People who behave badly are bad people – and they deserve blame and punishment. People are not what they do. Behaving badly doesn’t make someone a bad person – just a person who sometimes behaves badly.
I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t lose my cool. Just because something is human doesn’t make it desirable. Anyway, to be reasonable and understand someone else’s viewpoint is also human.
Anger is evil and destructive. Anger is neither good nor bad – it’s just an emotion. I can choose to express it constructively rather than destructively.
Acting against hostility Now it’s time to put your new rational beliefs into practice.
Change the things you dislikeAs well as interrupting your hostile anger, take some steps to deal with the triggering events and circumstances. Use your frustration about something as energy to change it. Here are some action strategies to help you move from people-condemning to problem-solving:
Do something about problems before they get out of hand. Do not sit on resentments, concerns or disagreements. Address the little things as they occur – before they become big things. If you talk to other people at an early stage, you will have fewer reasons to get hostile in the first place.
Assert yourself in a level-headed manner. Communicate assertively with the people involved. Share with them what you are concerned about and what you’d like to see changed. Responsible assertiveness will increase your chances of getting what you want.
Assertiveness is not aggression. Rather, it involves saying what you think, feel and want in an honest and direct fashion – while respecting other people and taking into account their feelings and interests.
Ask the other person for their point of view. Part of assertively communicating with others is to find out what is going on for them. Check whether you are misreading their motives. If possible, ask them directly. Hear what they say without arguing until they have fully explained their point of view. Even if you end up disagreeing, to understand the other’s viewpoint can at least make it easier to ‘live and let live’.
Negotiate a solution. Assertiveness will help you work toward solutions to your concerns which everyone can live with. This may mean compromising. But it is often possible to reach a deal which is an improvement on how things are.
Keep in mind, though, that there will be some things you cannot change. So make sure you recognise and deal with any demands. Then, when you do not get what you want, you will at least be able to hack it without excess pain.
Analyse angry incidents
While these action strategies will often help you improve your circumstances, they will not deal with the underlying cause of your hostility. Deal with those irrational ideas that you need to be ‘worthy’, other people must never do anything to make you feel unworthy, and you should not have to endure the awfulness and discomfort of frustration. Analysing your angry episodes on a regular basis, using a procedure like rational self-analysis, is the most effective way to achieve fundamental and lasting change.
Do a self-analysis as soon as possible after every angry episode. This will show you what thoughts tend to make you overreact, and before long you will be able to identify these at an earlier stage. Patience and consistent hard work will pay off. If your anger is the passive type, do an analysis while you are still inwardly stewing. This will help you feel better – and free you to do something about whatever it is you are stewing over.
Note, too, that the self-analysis technique is as relevant to dealing with resentments from the past as it is to handling angry episodes in the present. If you are sitting on bad feelings about something that happened ten years ago – or twenty, or forty – analyse it. Do not hurt yourself any longer over things that are gone.
Wanting people to behave in certain ways is not a problem. But believing that they ‘should’ or ‘must’ can be harmful to your well-being. Demandingness is the primary course of hostile, dysfunctional anger.
Anger is not necessarily bad. If it is directed toward changing things we dislike, then it can be functional. But it becomes self-defeating when we either seethe inwardly but do nothing, or let it out in ways that are destructive to ourselves or others – which is what happens when our anger arises from demands.
It is commonly thought that people get angry because they are frustrated. It is true that people usually feel frustrated when they do not get what they want. But not everyone who feels frustrated reacts the same way. Some react with disappointment (a rational response). Some even see it as a challenge. Unfortunately, though, many engage in self-pity, put themselves down – or get angry.
Frustration by itself does not cause anger – but the way you view frustration does. Extreme anger results when things do not happen as you want and you believe that (a) because you want things to be a certain way, they must and should be that way; (b) it’s awful and you cannot stand it when they are not; so © you must find someone to blame and punish.
In other words, people get hostile not because they have been frustrated – but rather because they believe that they should not be frustrated. They impose fixed, absolute, and indisputable rules on the world and the people in it, and see it as catastrophic and unbearable for these rules to be broken. They also believe that rule-breakers are not just people who do bad things, but are themselves bad people – who need punishing and putting right.
Uncovering the beliefs which cause hostility
Why would anyone hold such unrealistic demands? They mainly arise from two types of fear. The first is fear about discomfort. This comes from the idea that you can only be happy when your world is secure, safe, and predictable. The second type is fear about self-devaluation. This results, partly, from believing that you can only feel good about yourself if other people recognise, accept, and like you.
Beliefs like these will make you overreact when you think others are breaking the rules. Why? Because you perceive their behaviour as a threat to either your sense of security, your self-image – or both.
Your comfort feels threatened
Hostile anger is, foremost, the result of a frustrated demand. One of your ‘rules-for-living’ has been broken. Something is happening other than how you think it should or must happen. Demands like the following will be involved in anger that arises from discomfort anxiety:
I should be able to have the things I want, and act and live my life as I want to.
Other people should not do anything to frustrate me or deprive me of the things I want or believe that I need.
They must not disrupt the orderliness and security of my life.
When other people behave badly, I must get angry and let them know how I feel – otherwise they will keep doing it and things will get worse.
Demands like the above are often linked with awfulising. Often, what we react to are self-created illusions of disaster. Anger may be a bellow of outrage against an interruption to our ordered and predictable world. Underlying this ‘low frustration-tolerance’ are beliefs like: ‘Because life should always be predictable and safe, it’s awful and I cannot stand it when things go wrong.’
Your self-image feels threatened
If you believe, as many do, that you have to see yourself as ‘worthwhile’, then you will be over-sensitive to any real or imagined slight from others. You will interpret their behaviour as belittling or discounting you. The self-rating which may follow will usually be combined with demands like the following:
Other people should not criticise me, put me down, or behave in any way that threatens my sense of self-worth.
They must always treat me fairly and justly and give me the love, approval and recognition that I need.
Do you think that if people act unfairly toward you this reflects on your worth as a person? What you are saying is that you cannot feel OK about yourself unless other people give you recognition, acceptance and love – and never reject or behave badly toward you. When someone does something you dislike, you then tell yourself: ‘The way they are behaving shows they think I am nothing. If that is true, then it makes me nothing.’ Your anger (which is a defence against feeling bad about yourself) results from the additional thought: ‘They should not make me feel that way and they are swine for doing so.’
What is the solution to self-rating? One common one offered is the suggestion that we develop ‘self-esteem’ This is a popular idea. To achieve ‘self-esteem’, we are encouraged to try and see ourselves as having ‘value’ or ‘worth’; to add up our good points and see for ourselves we do have ‘value’. We are also told that human beings are naturally ‘worthwhile’. Quite how we happen to have such intrinsic worth is never spelt out. It just seems to ‘be there’.
Unfortunately, this conventional approach simply reinforces the tendency to self-rate. It creates the demanding belief that to be happy we must be ‘worthy’. This may work for us if we have many talents and few flaws – and a constant ability to think positively. But how many of us are in this class?
A better way: self-acceptance
There is a better solution: dispense with the idea of self-esteem altogether! Forget about having a ‘self-image’. Give up the notion of liking or disliking your ‘self’.
You do not need to worry about whether you are worthwhile – because ‘worth’ and ‘value’ are ideas that do not apply to human beings.
Sounds a bit radical? Let us take a closer look. What I am saying is: do not rate yourself at all – even in a positive direction. Instead, accept yourself.
Self-acceptance is the opposite of self-rating. It is unconditional. You accept your entire self (flaws and all) as you are now – even if there are things you’d like to change.
To accept yourself is to acknowledge three things – (1) you exist, (2) there is no reason you should be any different to how you are, and (3) you are neither worthy nor unworthy.
Like it or not, you exist as you are – with all your present traits, both good and bad. You know, too, that you have acted in certain ways in the past. To acknowledge these facts is to recognise reality (as opposed to demanding that reality be different).
There is no law of the universe which says you should be different to how you are. You may not like some of your present traits and tendencies. You might not feel comfortable with things you have done in the past. You might want to do something to change the way you are (and perhaps plan to). Acceptance simply means that you avoid demanding that the present you (or your past actions) not exist.
Rate Your Behaviour Rather Than Yourself.
‘Sounds great,’ you say. ‘But if I accept rather than rate myself, won’t this stop me ever doing anything to improve?’ Not at all. Rather than rate your total self, you can rate your various traits, behaviours, and potentials.
In other words, instead of wasting precious time and energy brooding over how ‘worthwhile’ you are, get on with deciding which parts of yourself you could usefully change or improve on.
Maybe you would like to improve your physical health, to achieve your goal of living longer. Great idea – but you do not have to label yourself as ‘unfit’ or ‘weak’. You can develop your vocabulary without calling yourself a ‘useless communicator’. You can admit your marriage is failing, but without thinking this makes you a ‘failure’. You can acknowledge that although you sometimes do bastardly things, this does not make you a ‘bastard’.
Value Your Existence.
If you are prepared to rate specific tendencies and actions, then you will be able to see whether they help you achieve an existence which is worthwhile or valuable to you. In the end, is it not the quality of your existence that matters?
So value your existence rather than your ‘self’. You can recognise you exist without putting any rating at all on yourself. You are neither good nor bad, worthy or unworthy, useful or useless. You just exist. Put your energy into maximising the quality of that existence.
This will aid your total happiness much more than debating whether you have ‘value’ or ‘worth’ as a person.
People-Rating or Behaviour-Rating?
Making the switch means changing what you tell yourself. Compare the lists below:
People-Rating:
Behaviour-Rating:
I am a loser. I lost out on this occasion.
You are a naughty child. You did a naughty thing.
I am a hopeless parent. I could learn more about handling children.
I am a poor conversationalist. I want to improve my conversational skills.
She’s a depressive. She feels depressed at present.
I am a failure at work. I failed on this task.
I am a bitch. I did a bitchy thing.
I am a useless cook. My cooking skills are undeveloped.
I am stupid. I sometimes do stupid things.
I am a lousy lover. I could learn more about sex.
I am unfit. I would be better to exercise more.
I am neurotic. I would like to learn more rational attitudes.
Notice that the people-rating statements include ‘I am’, ‘you are’, or ‘he/she is’. These expressions are cues that you are rating the entire person. They imply, too, that the person always has been, and always will be, what the label says they are. Rating your behaviour, on the other hand, shows that you can change in specific ways (if you choose) to improve your existence.
Making the change
Let us summarise what self-acceptance involves:
You acknowledge, simply, that you exist – without any judgement on your worthiness or any demand that you be different to how you are.
You rate specific traits and behaviours – in a practical and non-moralistic way.
You concentrate on rating and valuing your existence rather than your ‘self’.
Unfortunately, self-acceptance is easier to describe than to practice. Self-rating will be a habit for most of us. We also live in a world where people-rating is the norm, so others are unlikely to help us change. But it’s not impossible. Here are some strategies which will help:
Be aware when you are rating yourself or others. Watch for cues such as ‘I am’, ‘you are’, ‘she/he is’. Change any self-rating to a behaviour-rating. Be very specific about any changes you’d like to make. Instead of: ‘I must become a better person,’ say: ’I’d like to learn how to type, start an exercise programme, or get up earlier in the morning.’
Accept (justified) criticism from others of specific behaviours – but reject ratings of your entire self. Note that disapproval from other people proves nothing about you. Remember, too, that when you do something to less than the standard you prefer, your performance may be flawed but you can still accept yourself.
Whenever possible, treat yourself to things you enjoy – food, clothes, outings, time to yourself, etc. Not because you ‘deserve’ them, but because you want them. Remember that ‘deserving’ (and its by-product ‘undeserving’) are subtle ways of self-rating.
Feel good when you ‘succeed’ or get approval from others. But do not rely on these things to feel OK Remember that real self-acceptance is independent of your performance – and the views of other people.
Keep in mind that none of us will ever reach perfection. Total self-acceptance is an ideal few people are likely to achieve in their lifetime. But even fifty percent acceptance is worth striving for.
If the idea of living without self-rating still seems radical, you are not alone. Most people probably subscribe to the idea that to be happy you have to see yourself as ‘worthwhile’. For a moment, though, put aside conventional thinking. Look closely at those high-sounding words: ‘human worth’ and ‘value’. They are, in reality, nothing more than that: words – ideas that exist in our heads. Whether we apply these ideas to human beings is a matter of choice.
How often do you rate something as awful, terrible, or horrible? Sometimes people use such words in a superficial sense: ’Wasn’t that a terrible play?‘; ’Look at that awful outfit she’s got on’, and the like. But often we do attach a significant meaning to them. We imply to ourselves that something is the worst that could ever happen, or it’s the end of the world.
You can awfulise about things that have happened in the past, things that are happening now, and things that may happen in the future. Typical self-talk may involve:
I feel terrible.
It would be awful if …
This is the worst thing that could ever happen.
It’s the end of the world.
All things in moderation
Old habits die hard. We often see only two alternatives – our problems are either serious, or there is nothing wrong at all (an example of black and white thinking).
There is a better way: learn to think in moderate terms. That means avoiding extremes (either positive or negative) which are out of proportion to what is going on and that hurt unnecessarily. Do not minimise your difficulties, though. Avoid so-called ‘positive thinking’. What we are talking about here is realistic thinking – seeing things as they really are.
In real life, very little is ever 100% bad – or 100% good. The trouble with awfulising is that it often implies something is as bad as it could be. But how often is this the case? Someone once asked me, for instance: ‘What could be worse than dying in agony over a whole hour?’ Well, the answer to that is: ‘To die in agony over two hours!’ (or three, or four, or a whole day – or more). You can undercut awfulising by viewing what is going on in relation to other – possibly worse – events.
I am not suggesting you deny reality by telling yourself that ‘it could be worse.’ Rather, see things that are unpleasant, uncomfortable and inconvenient as just that and no more – not as the end of the world. Then you will avoid adding unnecessary emotional pain to the real problems you do have. In other words, keep things in perspective.
Mountains Back to Molehills
See the list of typical catastrophising thoughts below. Alongside each is a more realistic alternative.
Catastrophising
In-perspective thinking
It’s terrible to be treated like this. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to be treated like this.
This is an absolute disaster. This is serious. But it’s not the end of the world.
I could not imagine anything worse. This is bad – but, in reality, it’s better than some of the alternatives.
Helping yourself
Here are a few strategies to help you change from awfulising to realistic thinking:
Learn to catch yourself doing it. Know the cues to watch for: words such as ‘awful’, ‘terrible’, ‘disastrous’; and feelings like anxiety and hopelessness.
Challenge exaggerated thoughts. Reduce extremes and get things back into perspective. When worrying about forthcoming ‘disasters’, ask yourself: ‘What is the worst that is really likely to happen?’.
In other words, get those mountains back to the molehills they really are.
People-rating is like judging a book by its cover. Let us say the rating is directed at yourself. You start by evaluating one of your personal traits: how you look, what you are like at sports or study, how you do as a worker or parent. Or you focus on something you have done – a behaviour.
You then rate (evaluate) the trait or behaviour concerned. You decide whether it is worthwhile or has value. So far so good. If you stopped there, you would have no problem.
But, like most people, you probably go a big step further and expand the rating of that one trait or behaviour into a rating of your ‘total self’. You end up saying things like:
I did a bad thing, therefore I am a bad person.
I said something bitchy – this makes me a bitch.
Because I cannot handle his arguments, I am dumb.
I lost my temper with the kids today – this shows I am hopeless as a parent.
It’s as though, in some magical way, one part of a person becomes the total person.
This does not make sense. People are mixtures of positive and negative traits. But a single rating of your ‘total self’ suggests that the rating applies to all of your many traits and behaviours. Not only is this an overgeneralisation, but you can never know every one of a given person’s characteristics and actions anyway. People-rating, too, implies that someone has always been this way and always will be – but, in reality, people are always changing.
People-rating also implies that there is a universally accepted guideline for judging the worth of people. To rate yourself as, say, a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person, suggests that you have some kind of standard of what is a good or bad person to which you can compare yourself. But there is no such standard with which everyone would agree. The standards which do exist for judging people and their characteristics change between different periods and differ between social groups. People who behave aggressively for instance, may be defined as ‘courageous people’ in wartime – but in periods of peace regarded as ‘violent criminals’.
Note, too, that people-rating is based on the irrational process of demanding. If you are comparing yourself with some kind of standard, this says that you believe you should, somehow, be living up to that standard. In other words, you are operating on some kind of ‘universal law of human behaviour’. But where does this universal law come from? Your own head!
Unfortunately, most of us engage in self-rating to some extent. You are probably doing it when:
You forever strive – no matter what the cost – to achieve and succeed: at work, as parent and homemaker, with your possessions, or even your recreation.
You feel guilt or shame when you do not live up to what you expect.
You get anxious about trying anything which may involve a risk of failure.
You compare yourself with other people.
You worry about how others see you.
You get defensive, hostile, and feel hurt when you think someone is criticising you.
You go out of your way to seek approval from others, conforming to what they expect and putting their views before your own.
You often check your opinions with others, because you do not value your own judgements.
You put up a false front with grandiose talk, attention-seeking behaviour, or trying to be one-up on others.
You underrate and neglect your talents, thinking you are not good enough to enjoy pleasurable things, and reject compliments by saying you do not deserve them.
The problem with ‘self-esteem’
How can you stop distorting reality?
For a start, catch yourself doing it. Know the cues to watch for: looking at things in extremes, only seeing negatives, building up the bad points in a situation (be it past, present or future), ‘reading’ other people’s minds, predicting the future, assuming that what you feel is reality, and relating everything back to yourself.
Watch especially for rigid thinking. When you find yourself resisting other ways of viewing something, this could be a sign that you are locking yourself into a narrowed, distorted viewpoint.
Stop using words which exaggerate — like always, forever, totally, all, everything, everybody, nothing, nobody, never and the like.
Get things back into balance — by looking for the side of the picture you have been filtering out. Make a list, for example, of the positives and the negatives. If you cannot find both, you know you are distorting reality. Few things are either one way or the other — so keep listing.
Develop the habit of sticking to the facts — as far as you can unearth them. When you think you might be jumping to conclusions, ask yourself, ‘What evidence do I have for assuming this? Is it the most likely explanation for the facts available? Are there any others which may be just as valid?’
If you are worrying about something, rate the chances of it happening on a scale of, say, 0–100 per cent. Being this specific will help you clarify vague predictions.
Finally, if it is possible, check out your interpretation of something you are concerned about and see how it compares with reality.
Getting things back into perspective
Take a look at the list of typical distortions below. Alongside each, to show ‘in-perspective’ thinking, is a more realistic alternative.
Distorted thinking Realistic thinking
I’m a total failure. I failed this time.
Everything’s wrong. I’m facing some problems at present.
It’s got to be done perfectly or not at all. I’d prefer to get it just right, but less than perfect will do.
This is totally wrong. I disagree with some aspects of this.
She made me angry. I don’t like what she did, but I made myself angry by the way I viewed it.
She did it because she hates me. I don’t know why she did it. There’s more than one possible explanation.
Everyone will think I’m stupid. Some people may be critical of me.
I’ll never be happy again. Sure, things aren’t so good now. But how do I know what the future holds?
All I get is pain. I get a lot of pain. But there are also some good things that happen — if I’d only be prepared to notice them.
Sometimes it is hard to know for sure just what is going on. You won’t always have enough information to be certain. But it is important to at least recognise that there may be more than one way to interpret a given situation. By doing . so you can avoid jumping to erroneous and possibly harmful conclusions.
That could be the best way to avoid distorting reality: retain a healthy scepticism about it.
Overgeneralising
People often build up one thing about themselves or their circumstances and end up thinking that it represents the whole situation or happens all the time, or is part of a never-ending pattern. For example:
‘Everything’s going wrong.’
‘Nothing I do ever turns out right.’
‘I’ll always be a failure.’
‘There’s no hope.’
Mind-reading
There are various ways in which we can jump to a conclusion without enough evidence. One of these is mind-reading — making guesses about what other people are thinking:
‘She ignored me on purpose.’
‘You don’t really love me.’
‘They think I’m boring.’
‘You’re only saying that because . . . ‘
Fortune-telling
Another way of jumping to a conclusion is to treat beliefs about the future as though they were realities rather than just predictions:
‘I’ll be depressed for ever.’
‘I’ll never get another job.’
‘Things can only get worse.’
Emotional reasoning
Yet another way to leap to a conclusion is to tell yourself that because you feel a certain way, this is how it really is:
‘I feel like a failure, so I must be one.’
‘If I’m angry, you must have done something to make me so.’
‘I wouldn’t be worrying if there wasn’t something to worry about.’
‘Because I feel unattractive, I must be.’
Emotional reasoning can, for example, keep you thinking anger is ‘justified’, sustain a vicious circle of self-downing, or make worrying feed on itself.
Personalising
You can also jump to a conclusion by thinking that something is directly connected with you:
‘Everyone is looking at me.’
‘That criticism was meant for me.’
‘It must have been me that made her feel bad.’
‘He didn’t return my greeting. What did I do?’
Personalising can make you feel self-conscious, guilty, or responsible for events you may not have caused — including other people’s problems and emotions.
We constantly interpret what goes on around us — what others do or say, events we observe, and things we read in the newspaper or see on TV. We also interpret things that have happened in the past, or which may happen in the future. In addition, we interpret our own actions, and even the physical sensations and emotional changes happening inside us.
By interpreting, I mean that we draw conclusions about what we think is happening. Sometimes our interpretations are correct, but often they are wrong.
Seven ways to get things wrong
Psychiatrist Aaron Beck has studied and listed the ways people can get things out of perspective. His research shows that our feelings are in proportion to how we describe events and situations, rather than to the actual intensity of those things themselves. The main ways in which we can misinterpret things that happen, adapted from Dr Beck’s list, are presented here.
Black-and-white thinking
People often see things in extremes, with no middle ground — good or bad, perfect versus useless, success or failure, right against wrong, moral versus immoral, and so on. By doing this, they miss the reality that things rarely are one way or the other but usually somewhere in-between. In other words, there are shades of grey. Another name for this distortion is all-or-nothing thinking. It involves self-talk like:
‘If it’s not perfect, then it’s useless.’
‘If you don’t love me, then you must hate me.’
‘Either I succeed, or I’m a total failure.’
‘If I mess up this part, I may as well give up the whole thing.’
Filtering
If you tend to see all the things that are wrong but ignore the positives, then you are filtering. Here are some examples:
‘I can’t see anything good about my situation.’
‘I don’t have any good points.’
‘There’s no hope.’
‘All I get is pain.’
Do you ever find yourself seeing all that’s going wrong in your life but ignoring the things that are going right? It’s easy to take the positives for granted because they are part of everyday life. What about, for instance, the fact that you are capable of reading this book? What other positives can you bring to mind that are so basic you wouldn’t normally be conscious of them?
Overgeneralising
People often build up one thing about themselves or their circumstances and end up thinking that it represents the whole situation or happens all the time, or is part of a never-ending pattern. For example:
‘Everything’s going wrong.’
‘Nothing I do ever turns out right.’
‘I’ll always be a failure.’
‘There’s no hope.’
Mind-reading
There are various ways in which we can jump to a conclusion without enough evidence. One of these is mind-reading — making guesses about what other people are thinking:
‘She ignored me on purpose.’
‘You don’t really love me.’
‘They think I’m boring.’
‘You’re only saying that because . . . ‘
Fortune-telling
Another way of jumping to a conclusion is to treat beliefs about the future as though they were realities rather than just predictions:
‘I’ll be depressed for ever.’
‘I’ll never get another job.’
‘Things can only get worse.’
Emotional reasoning
Yet another way to leap to a conclusion is to tell yourself that because you feel a certain way, this is how it really is:
‘I feel like a failure, so I must be one.’
‘If I’m angry, you must have done something to make me so.’
‘I wouldn’t be worrying if there wasn’t something to worry about.’
‘Because I feel unattractive, I must be.’
Emotional reasoning can, for example, keep you thinking anger is ‘justified’, sustain a vicious circle of self-downing, or make worrying feed on itself.
Personalising
You can also jump to a conclusion by thinking that something is directly connected with you:
‘Everyone is looking at me.’
‘That criticism was meant for me.’
‘It must have been me that made her feel bad.’
‘He didn’t return my greeting. What did I do?’
Personalising can make you feel self-conscious, guilty, or responsible for events you may not have caused — including other people’s problems and emotions.
Keeping in touch with reality
How can you stop distorting reality?
For a start, catch yourself doing it. Know the cues to watch for: looking at things in extremes, only seeing negatives, building up the bad points in a situation (be it past, present or future), ‘reading’ other people’s minds, predicting the future, assuming that what you feel is reality, and relating everything back to yourself.
Watch especially for rigid thinking. When you find yourself resisting other ways of viewing something, this could be a sign that you are locking yourself into a narrowed, distorted viewpoint.
Stop using words which exaggerate — like always, forever, totally, all, everything, everybody, nothing, nobody, never and the like.
Get things back into balance — by looking for the side of the picture you have been filtering out. Make a list, for example, of the positives and the negatives. If you cannot find both, you know you are distorting reality. Few things are either one way or the other — so keep listing.
Develop the habit of sticking to the facts — as far as you can unearth them. When you think you might be jumping to conclusions, ask yourself, ‘What evidence do I have for assuming this? Is it the most likely explanation for the facts available? Are there any others which may be just as valid?’
If you are worrying about something, rate the chances of it happening on a scale of, say, 0–100 per cent. Being this specific will help you clarify vague predictions.
Finally, if it is possible, check out your interpretation of something you are concerned about and see how it compares with reality.
Getting things back into perspective
Take a look at the list of typical distortions below. Alongside each, to show ‘in-perspective’ thinking, is a more realistic alternative.
Distorted thinking
Realistic thinking
I’m a total failure. I failed this time.
Everything’s wrong. I’m facing some problems at present.
It’s got to be done perfectly or not at all. I’d prefer to get it just right, but less than perfect will do.
This is totally wrong. I disagree with some aspects of this.
She made me angry. I don’t like what she did, but I made myself angry by the way I viewed it.
She did it because she hates me. I don’t know why she did it. There’s more than one possible explanation.
Everyone will think I’m stupid. Some people may be critical of me.
I’ll never be happy again. Sure, things aren’t so good now. But how do I know what the future holds?
All I get is pain. I get a lot of pain. But there are also some good things that happen — if I’d only be prepared to notice them.
Sometimes it is hard to know for sure just what is going on. You won’t always have enough information to be certain. But it is important to at least recognise that there may be more than one way to interpret a given situation. By doing so you can avoid jumping to erroneous and possibly harmful conclusions.
That could be the best way to avoid distorting reality: retain a healthy scepticism about it.
Here is a list of the most common beliefs that create perfectionism, along with rational alternatives:
Perfectionistic Beliefs
Realistic Beliefs
It is possible for some things in life to reach a stage of perfection if we work hard enough at them. In reality, nothing could ever be ‘perfect’. I could work at something for ever, and there would still be room for improvement.
If I do not set high standards, I will end up a failure. Perfectionism sets me up to fail! My achievements have been in spite of perfectionism – not because of it. I could achieve more if I set realistic standards.
If I tried hard enough I could do well at everything I put my hand to. It is impossible to achieve to a high level at everything. Expecting this will only lead to frustration, disappointment, and self-downing.
If I cannot do something to a high standard, there is no point in doing it at all.
An acceptable standard is all that is needed. Anyway, some things you can enjoy simply for the doing – no matter what the outcome.
Making mistakes is evidence of personal inadequacy.
Making mistakes is evidence that I am a human being.
I could not stand the discomfort of knowing I had failed and that others will also know.
I do not like discomfort – but I can stand it. My life would be very restricted if I never did anything that involved some difficulty and pain – like making mistakes.
Action approaches to realistic living
Undercut your perfectionistic habits by combining rethinking with action. Here are some strategies to get you moving.
Reduce the performance level you expect of yourself. Right now, plan to do some things to a lesser standard than before. Then do them. Observe the results – does it lead to disaster? You probably felt uncomfortable – but you stood it. Remember: to increase your success rate, reduce your expectations.
Deliberately check things once only. Force yourself to do one adequate check of locks, switches and tasks you have completed – then walk away. Practise tolerating the anxiety you will feel.
Set yourself time limits. Stop forever polishing up tasks. Set time limits and stick to them. When the period is up, leave that task – even though you know you can improve it.
Admit to your slips and shortcomings. Why not own up – at least to those people you regard as important? Most people will feel better about you for showing that you are human and each time you make such an admission, you undercut your perfectionistic tendencies a little more and reduce the fear of disapproval.
Make sure you see the positives. Paradoxically, people who strive for the ultimate often get little pleasure from their achievements – they tend to focus instead on the ways in which they still fall short. So, for a couple of weeks note in a diary the things you do to an acceptable (not perfect) level. You just might surprise yourself.
Enjoy the doing, rather than worry about the outcome. Finally, note that giving up perfectionism will increase the enjoyment you get out of life. Recreation will be more relaxing when you are less concerned with high performance and tasks more satisfying when you set achievable standards.
Check this out for a day or so. Keep asking yourself: ‘Is this chair entirely comfortable, entirely uncomfortable – or is it really something between? Is that person completely attractive, completely repulsive, or again, something between?’ You will soon discover that it is too black and white to see anything as totally good or totally bad.
The same applies to people. Making mistakes is what humans do. You are a human being – so, surely, you would expect to make mistakes? Why, then, do you think you should never get anything wrong? This is like elevating yourself to the status of a supernatural being.
Mistakes are necessary for growth and development. When you stop making them, you stop learning. Remember, too, that one mistake is no reason for totally giving up on something. If you ate an item on your diet’s forbidden list, you do not have to abandon the whole diet. Learn what you can from the mistake, then carry on.
Remember, too, that you can accept yourself no matter what your performance. Question the myth that to be ‘worthy’ you have to match up to some universal standard. What standard are you using? Who set it? Anyway, why do you have to be ‘worthy’ – as opposed to just accepting yourself regardless of your performance or achievements?
I am not suggesting you reject any idea of improving yourself. Far from it. But you can set out to improve on specific aspects – for example, your appearance, parenting skills, or whatever – while still accepting the total you.
Also, self-acceptance does not depend on how others see you. Most people will not think badly of you for making mistakes. But even if they did, you are still the same person as you were before. Their views do not magically change you into something else.
As we saw earlier, people with perfectionistic tendencies often fear that if they let up they will become mediocre or their lives disorganised and chaotic. But this is just an illusion. For such a person to become disorganised, they would have to deliberately try. If you unbend a little, the most that is likely to happen is you approach things somewhat more realistically.
Note that perfectionism, anyway, leads to inefficiency. There is a time management principle known as the 80/20 rule which illustrates this. You achieve 80% of the value of a task in the first 20% of the time spent on it. The other 20% of value takes up the other 80% of the time. If you were smart, you would settle for doing five tasks to an 80% level (a total gain of 400%) instead of only one task to a 100% level. This illustrates the common paradox of demanding – thinking that you should or must achieve perfection will often reduce your performance!
To summarise, here is a list of questions to ask when disputing perfectionistic beliefs:
Is perfection really possible?
What are the advantages of striving for the ultimate?
If there are any, are they worth the hassle?
Does it help me achieve more – or does it lead to inefficiency?
Am I enjoying what I am doing – or am I only concerned with the outcome?
What evidence is there that life will fall apart if I drop my standards? Would it be any worse than it is now – or would it be a little better?
How does behaving less than perfectly make me ‘unworthy’ or a ‘failure’?
Perfectionism is a way of thinking
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Word of the day – Aplomb
Aplomb n. Self-confident assurance, skill, and poise – especially in difficult or challenging circumstances.
How can you break out of the perfection trap? Start by getting the idea itself into perspective. To aim for high standards is not a bad thing. It is satisfying to do well. It also helps ensure some degree of quality to human endeavours. High standards only become a problem when you turn them into demands – in other words, when you believe that you always have to achieve to a high level. The solution is ‘realistic excellence’. Realistic excellence means going for the best you can – but taking into account some realities:
Your personal abilities and limitations (e.g. a disability, or lack of knowledge);
The resources (time, energy, money, etc.) you have available;
The range of activities you want to put those resources into;
Which activities are most important to you; and
Any limiting features of your circumstances over which you have no control.
The idea is to spread your resources round the various things you want to do so that each gets the time and energy you think it deserves. You may elect to put only a little time and energy into one activity, in order to reserve it for another. Let us say, for instance, you would like to mow your lawns once a week. You may decide to settle for every fortnight, because you want to spend more time on a hobby.
You will be freer to make rational choices when you get rid of the irrational thinking that creates perfectionism.
Start by giving up the idea that perfection is possible. Perfection exists only as an idea in the mind. No matter how desirable it may already be, there is nothing that cannot be improved on. Personal attractiveness, architecture, music – everything has some potential to be just that little bit better. This even applies to nature – beautiful gardens usually have weeds. So give up the idea that it is possible for anything to ever reach a point of finalised perfection.
Look for your perfectionistic thinking
Several distortions of reality may be involved with your perfectionism. Black and white thinking (also called ‘all-or-nothing thinking’) is common. You view things in extremes: total success v. total failure, superb v. lousy, right v. wrong, perfect v. useless. Over-generalising can lead you to think that because high standards are possible, ‘perfection’ is too; or that one or a few mistakes means you are ‘always making mistakes.’
The real problem, though, is demanding – jumping from the belief that because perfection is possible, therefore you should or must achieve it – coupled with the idea that if you do not, this reflects on your self-worth (self-rating) or will lead to dire consequences and unbearable discomfort (awfulising and discomfort-intolerance).
Self-Devaluation Fears
Look for any variations of the following:
‘Whatever I do should be to the highest possible standard if I am to justify my existence or see myself as a worthwhile person.’
‘I must minimise any risk of making a mistake or turning out a shoddy result – because this would prove me to be useless, lazy, or careless.’
‘To feel all right about myself, I need to have other people see me as careful, concerned, hard-working, and successful.’
‘It would be terrible if other people saw me as less than competent.’
‘I could not stand to think I had failed or not done my best.’
Discomfort Fears
Also involved may be thoughts about your life becoming disorganised and chaotic – the results of which would be disaster, discomfort and misery:
Every problem should have an ideal solution, and I cannot rest till I find the right one.
To avoid disaster, I must keep my life predictable and have everything under control.
It would be dreadful and frightening if my life and circumstances were to get out of control because I stopped striving.
At all costs, I must avoid the emotional discomfort I would feel if I failed to maintain my standards.
From perfectionism to excellence
Watch for signs like the following:
You worry about your performance.
You put things off.
You continually redo things.
You over-check locks, windows, taps, switches, sleeping children, etc.
You are excessively tidy.
Conversely, you are excessively sloppy or untidy. (You believe that nothing should be done unless it can be done perfectly, so very little does get done).
You worry about cleanliness. You wash your hands more than you need to, vacuum the carpets every day, or forbid your children to play in the dirt. You avoid activities such as camping, picnics, or even sex, because you are afraid of mess or contamination.
You engage in compulsive behaviours. You feel as though you are compelled to do things like read books or magazines right through no matter how boring, eat everything in front of you whether you like it or not, or repeatedly wash your hands or tidy your desk if things get even a little out of place.
You worry that others will disapprove or you will put yourself down if you do not ‘match up’.
For a week or so, keep a diary of the times you find yourself overdoing something. Record where you were and what was happening, your perfectionistic feelings and behaviours, and the thoughts involved. This ‘ABC’ diary will help clue you in to the extent you do it, and the typical triggers involved.
If it is so harmful, why do people engage in perfectionistic behaviour? The cause seems to be a combination of biological makeup coupled with learning.
The human brain prefers to keep things simple – humans have a natural tendency to see things in black and white terms: good v. bad, perfect v. useless, success v. failure, and the like.
Learning builds on this tendency. Children use perfectionistic parents as models. Parents may express anxiety or disappointment at low performance, or show children they will not love or accept them unless they do well.
The wider culture contributes. We are constantly urged to perform to the maximum – at school, in sporting activities, with our social lives, even at sex.
Perfectionism may provide the dubious gain of avoidance: if you believe that things must be done perfectly or not at all, you give yourself a permanent excuse to dodge difficult or uncomfortable tasks – including personal change.
Striving for perfection is often a defence against the two common fears of self-devaluation and discomfort.
You may also dread that your world will collapse if you reduce your standards. The thought of becoming disorganised, careless, dirty, incapable, and unwanted is highly uncomfortable. Though your striving creates anxiety, it seems less threatening than the prospect of chaos and disintegration.
Catch yourself trying to be perfect
To be human is to be imperfect. Yet many people try to be more than human. Some strive for the ultimate in everything they do – no matter what the cost. Others go to all lengths to avoid ever making a mistake, even to the point of restricting their lives.
What is wrong with seeking perfection?
Perfectionistic people often find it hard to admit to their perfectionism. To them it seems normal. But perfectionism is not as good as it sounds:
It creates dissatisfaction. By demanding unrealistic standards, you set yourself up to fail. You then feel dissatisfied with the result – and bad about yourself.
Striving to be perfect actually increases the risk of failing. Demanding a perfect result will make you anxious – which will make it harder to do well. Paradoxical, is it not? Standards that are too high set people up to fail!
Perfectionism blocks productivity. You can spend so much time polishing up one task you get little else done.
Believing that you must avoid any risk of failure will keep you in the same old boring job, stop you learning new skills, and restrict you to what seems safe.
Your health can suffer. The anxiety and tension that perfectionism causes can lead to physical problems such as hypertension, heart disease, headaches and stomach ulcers.
Relationships come under stress. Others get irritated with your striving and fussiness. If you demand that they too behave perfectly, you create a recipe for resentment, anger, and conflict.
Finally, you miss chances to learn. If you are afraid to admit any imperfections, you will get defensive when criticised rather than welcome it as a learning experience, and avoid trying anything new where there is a risk of getting it wrong.
Why do we do it?
How do you overcome low discomfort-tolerance? It involves a combination of rethinking and action:
Learn to accept discomfort as unpleasant rather than awful and unbearable.
Increase your tolerance for discomfort by deliberately facing rather than avoiding uncomfortable situations.
Rethinking discomfort
See discomfort is a normal part of life that, generally, only becomes a problem when you tell yourself you cannot stand it.
Get rid of the idea that you should not have to feel discomfort. This demand will only lead to anxiety about discomfort and possibly resentment when it does occur. Preferring to avoid it is fine – just keep it as a preference.
Of course you don’t like discomfort —but you can stand it. To say that you ‘can’t stand’ something is really implying that you will die if you’re exposed to it. But is this true? Obviously not! Clearly, you’ve stood many unpleasant events and circumstances – otherwise you wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. They may have been uncomfortable, unpleasant or undesirable. But, in spite of your discomfort, you stood them!
If you see yourself as able to tolerate unpleasant happenings, you will avoid adding to the pain.
Give up the idea that you should be able to feel good all the time. Learn to tolerate unpleasant feelings. Find out how to change them but without demanding you avoid them entirely. When you are confident you can handle bad feelings and that you can stand them, they will, paradoxically, bother you less in the first place!
Ask, ‘Why is such and such unbearable, rather than uncomfortable?’, ‘What makes this intolerable, rather than unpleasant?’ Don’t indulge in unrealistic ‘positive thinking’ – acknowledge that some things are unpleasant, uncomfortable and inconvenient. Just don’t make them into anything more.
Getting into action
Make a list of activities or situations you typically avoid, or behaviours you engage in, because you are trying to avoid feeling uncomfortable: going into public places, speaking to strangers, learning a new skill, misusing drugs, alcohol or food, losing your temper, putting off difficult tasks, and so on. Then commit yourself to confronting one or more of these things each day, using the technique of exposure. Instead of trying to get away from the discomfort as you normally would, stay with the negative feelings until they diminish of their own accord.
You can prepare yourself to cope with the discomfort by using rational self-analysis, imagery, and the blow-up technique. Afterwards, do a catastrophe scale to get your reaction to the discomfort into perspective. If you have suffered a loss you think you cannot survive, try using ‘time projection’ to get the future into perspective.
Regular use of rational self-analysis to identify and change irrational thinking about discomfort will probably give you the best results in the long term. As you challenge exaggerated thinking, don’t fall into the trap of so-called ‘positive thinking’. Telling yourself that everything is all right won’t work for long. In the real world there are negatives and bad things do happen, so acknowledge unpleasant realities — just keep them in perspective.
Remember, if you learn to tolerate frustration and bad feelings, they’ll trouble you less in the first place
Mountains Back to Molehills
See the list of typical discomfort-intolerance thoughts below. Alongside each is a more realistic alternative.
Low tolerance beliefs
High tolerance thinking
It is awful and intolerable to experience physical or emotional pain and discomfort. If I tell myself that pain and discomfort are awful, I’ll only set myself up to get anxious when I think they’re coming.
I can’t stand it when people don’t act as they should. I don’t like it, but I can survive it – and survive better when I don’t lose my cool over it.
This situation is simply unbearable. This situation is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and I don’t like it – but I am (obviously) standing it.
There are certain things in life which I just can’t stand. Certain things are uncomfortable or unpleasant, but it’s wrong to say that I ‘can’t stand’ them. If that were true, I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale!
My circumstances have to be right for life to be tolerable. It’s disappointing when things aren’t the way I’d like them to be, but it’s not awful — and I can stand less than the ideal.
Because I can’t stand discomfort and pain, I must avoid them at all costs. Total avoidance would mean a very restricted life. Though I don’t like discomfort and pain, I can tolerate them.
But does everyone react the same way to the same event? Of course not. Different people react differently. The circumstance itself doesn’t cause the variation — so what does?
As you think, so you feel
‘People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.’ Ancient words, from a first-century philosopher named Epictetus – but just as true now.
Events and circumstances do not cause your reactions. They result from what you tell yourself about the things that happen. Put simply, thoughts cause feelings and behaviours. Or, more precisely, events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then create reactions.
Test this out for yourself. Explain to someone that you would like their help to check out a theory. Point a pencil at them, and ask how they would feel if the pencil were a gun. Most people will probably say they would be afraid, or something similar. Then ask how they would feel if they didn’t know what it was you were holding. You will most likely get a different reaction — curiosity, for example. Now ask how they would feel if they didn’t even notice you were pointing something at them. They will probably say that they would not feel anything.
This shows that to fear something (or react in any other way) you have to be thinking about it. The cause is not the event — it is what we tell ourselves about the event.
The ABC’s of feelings & behaviours
American psychologist Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), was one of the first to systematically show how beliefs determine the way human beings feel and behave. Dr. Ellis developed the ‘ABC’ model to demonstrate this.
‘A’ refers to whatever started things off: a circumstance, event or experience – or just thinking about something which has happened. This triggers off thoughts (‘B’), which in turn create a reaction – feelings and behaviours – (‘C’).
To see this in operation, let’s meet Alan. A young man who had always tended to doubt himself, Alan imagined that other people did not like him, and that they were only friendly because they pitied him. One day, a friend passed him in the street without returning his greeting – to which Alan reacted negatively. Here is the event, Alan’s beliefs, and his reaction, put into the ABC format:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He’s ignoring me. He doesn’t like me.
2. I could end up without friends for ever.
3. That would be terrible.
4. For me to be happy and feel worthwhile, people must like me.
5. I’m unacceptable as a friend – so I must be worthless as a person.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: worthless, depressed.
Behaviours: avoiding people generally.
Now, someone who thought differently about the same event would react in another way:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1. He didn’t ignore me deliberately. He may not have seen me.
2. He might have something on his mind.
3. I’d like to help if I can.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: Concerned.
Behaviours: Went to visit friend, to see how he is.
These examples show how different ways of viewing the same event can lead to different reactions. The same principle operates in reverse: when people react alike, it is because they are thinking in similar ways.
For a start, catch yourself doing it. Know the cues to watch for: looking at things in extremes, only seeing negatives, building up the bad points in a situation (be it past, present or future), ‘reading’ other people’s minds, predicting the future, assuming that what you feel is reality, and relating everything back to yourself.
Watch especially for rigid thinking. When you find yourself resisting other ways of viewing something, this could be a sign that you are locking yourself into a narrowed, distorted viewpoint.
Stop using words which exaggerate — like always, forever, totally, all, everything, everybody, nothing, nobody, never and the like.
Get things back into balance — by looking for the side of the picture you have been filtering out. Make a list, for example, of the positives and the negatives. If you cannot find both, you know you are distorting reality. Few things are either one way or the other — so keep listing.
Develop the habit of sticking to the facts — as far as you can unearth them. When you think you might be jumping to conclusions, ask yourself, ‘What evidence do I have for assuming this? Is it the most likely explanation for the facts available? Are there any others which may be just as valid?’
If you are worrying about something, rate the chances of it happening on a scale of, say, 0–100 per cent. Being this specific will help you clarify vague predictions.
Finally, if it is possible, check out your interpretation of something you are concerned about and see how it compares with reality.
Getting things back into perspective
Take a look at the list of typical distortions below. Alongside each, to show ‘in-perspective’ thinking, is a more realistic alternative.
Distorted thinking Realistic thinking
I’m a total failure. I failed this time.
Everything’s wrong. I’m facing some problems at present.
It’s got to be done perfectly or not at all. I’d prefer to get it just right, but less than perfect will do.
This is totally wrong. I disagree with some aspects of this.
She made me angry. I don’t like what she did, but I made myself angry by the way I viewed it.
She did it because she hates me. I don’t know why she did it. There’s more than one possible explanation.
Everyone will think I’m stupid. Some people may be critical of me.
I’ll never be happy again. Sure, things aren’t so good now. But how do I know what the future holds?
All I get is pain. I get a lot of pain. But there are also some good things that happen — if I’d only be prepared to notice them.
Sometimes it is hard to know for sure just what is going on. You won’t always have enough information to be certain. But it is important to at least recognise that there may be more than one way to interpret a given situation. By doing . so you can avoid jumping to erroneous and possibly harmful conclusions.
That could be the best way to avoid distorting reality: retain a healthy scepticism about it.
Over the next few blogs, I will be discussing Albert Ellis’s ideas about irrational beliefs, and how to recover from self-destructive thinking. Ellis died a few years ago. He was in his 90’s and was still working. Enjoy the video, but please come back – this will take you off my website to U-tube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxUKR1-f_WA&feature=related
Interesting facts about 4th of July
The Declaration of Independence, signed in 1776, was meant to justify a revolt against the British, with a list of charges against the British king. The Fourth of July commemorates the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. It was initially adopted by Congress on July 2, 1776, but then it was revised and the final version was adopted two days later.
As Thomas Jefferson penned the Declaration, Britain’s army was on its way toward to New York Harbor. It began:
“When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”
The Declaration of Independence was signed by 56 men representing the 13 colonies. The moment marked the beginning of all-out war against the British. The American Revolutionary War is said to have started in 1775, however. The Declaration was signed more than two years after Boston officials refused to return three shiploads of taxed tea to Britain, fueling colonists to dump the tea into the harbor in what became the infamous Boston Tea Party.
“Yankee Doodle,” one of many patriotic songs in the United States, was originally sung prior to the Revolution by British military officers who mocked the unorganized and buckskin-wearing “Yankees” with whom they fought during the French and Indian War.
The “Star Spangled Banner” wasn’t written until Francis Scott Key wrote a poem stemming from observations in 1814, when the British relentlessly attacked Baltimore’s Fort McHenry during the War of 1812. It was later put to music, though not decreed the official national anthem of the United States until 1931.
Three U.S. presidents actually died on July 4. Two of them passed away within hours of each other on July 4, 1826: John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. The two had been political rivals and then friends later in life. The other to share the distinction was James Monroe, who died July 4, 1831.
In 1776, about 2.5 million people lived in the newly independent United States, according to the U.S. Censure Bureau. In 2011, 311.7 million Americans will celebrate Independence Day.
Several countries used the Declaration of Independence as a beacon in their own struggles for freedom. Among them, France. Then later, Greece, Poland, Russia and many countries in South America.
http://www.livescience.com/14844-50-fabulous-facts-july-fourth-declaration-independence.html
I like to be liked – you probably do too. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is fine to want approval. Unfortunately, though, people often go beyond wanting it. They make approval into a need – an absolute must without which they think they cannot survive. When this happens, approval-seeking becomes a recipe for self-defeat:
It can be a source of anxiety which restricts your life. You avoid taking risks, trying new things where you cannot guarantee ‘success’, or any situation where you fear people might think badly of you. It makes you conform to what others expect rather than ask for what you want or pursue your own goals.
You may become oversensitive to criticism. Feeling hurt stops you using feedback from other people as a learning experience. Approval-seeking gets in the way of you dealing with your underlying lack of confidence and self-acceptance.
You might keep striving for what is an impossible goal. You will never be able to get approval from everyone significant to you – but even if you could, would they all love you enough to ever satisfy you?
Other people may even end up liking you less. Do you like or respect people who hurt easily, do not say what they mean, always try to conform, say yes to things they do not want, avoid taking charge of their own lives, or are always seeking love and attention? The more you demand approval, the less you end up with!
Know When You are Approval-Seeking
You are probably approval-seeking when you feel or act in ways that show you are worried about what others think:
Saying ‘yes’ to something you do not want to do.
Making a statement you do not believe in, agreeing with an opinion you oppose, or giving a compliment you do not mean.
Reacting to a criticism by getting defensive or attacking back
Apologising when you have done nothing wrong.
Seeking someone else’s opinion on a matter of taste – for instance, on what to wear.
Asking permission before you speak up, make a decision, or buy something.
Asking others to confirm what you say – ’isn’t that right…?’
Going out of your way to impress other people.
Disputing The Need For Approval
Can human beings overcome the irrational fear of being disliked, unloved and rejected? Yes – by getting hold of the idea that approval is not a need.
It is good to get love and acceptance from others. It contributes to satisfying and helpful relationships. It is useful when others have authority over you or control access to things you want: your parents, teachers, employer, bank manager, landlord and other such people.
Approval, though, becomes a problem when you exaggerate your desire for it into a necessity. In other words, you tell yourself that you must have it in order to feel good about yourself and be happy.
What is the solution then? Seek approval wherever you can get it. Do what you reasonably can to avoid disapproval from others. Work on yourself and your relationships to increase the chance of getting the love and affection you desire. But remind yourself all the time that while approval is important, you can survive without it. Then, when it is not forthcoming, you will feel disappointed instead of anxious or depressed, and you will be less likely to give up your own wants in order to please others.
In fact, expect disapproval. In the real world, positive feedback from others will not always be forthcoming. Not everyone is going to like you. Because different people have different ideas about what they want you to be, pleasing others will work only some of the time. If you expect disapproval, you will be less likely to overreact when it happens.
Remember, too, that it is human to be imperfect. So if you have been criticised because of something that you have done, this is proof of your humanness. When a criticism is valid this does not mean you are totally flawed. If you are able to rate behaviours without applying the rating to your total self (e.g. ‘I am not a useless person, just a person who sometimes does useless things’) then you will find it easier to listen to and learn from criticism. What if the criticism is mistaken? This shows that the other person is human. Either way, you do not have to feel bad because someone dislikes you.
Finally, note that disapproval or criticism is not unbearable. You have been criticised before, and you are still alive. You do not like it – but it is uncomfortable rather than awful. If you remind yourself of that, you will make it even less uncomfortable.
http://www.testandcalc.com/Self_Defeating_Beliefs/BEL1.asp
Rational Emotive Cognitive Therapy is a rapid recovery therapy, developed by Albert Ellis, which helps people recover from their problems within a few sessions, usually 3-6 months or less. If you are aware of the thoughts and ideas that interfere with your happiness, then you can choose to change them. However, the first step is to understand the irrational beliefs that are getting in your way of living the life you want to. So often I hear people say that someone “made” them mad (upset, angry etc) but the truth is that you alone, and nobody else is in control of how you feel. Your thinking decides an outcome. If you think that a certain situation “should” be a specific way and it isn’t, then you may decide it’s terrible and you can’t stand it, but it’s your self-talk that is making you upset, NOT the situation. It’s A (antecedent event or action) + B (your belief) = C (consequence).
A + (“B”) = C - (“B”) that’s A going through and being processed in your brain to decide the outcome or C.
What irrational thoughts are getting in your way? To find out, take this questionnaire.
http://www.testandcalc.com/Self_Defeating_Beliefs/questtxt.asp
YES, it finally happened. Cheer has found a new location with PLENTY OF PARKING !!! This location is MUCH easier to get in and out of – no dangerous Parsons Ave with fast traffic any more.
The location is on the corner of Robertson St and Lithia Pinecrest. This is SOUTH of 60 (Brandon Blvd) by only one block. Drive by and take a look – we have an awesome new sign so you’ll know its us!
BRANDON PALMS PROFESSIONAL CENTER
339 E. Robertson St.
Brandon, Fl. 33511
I’ve had several calls asking for sign language classes. No, at this time I don’t teach a class. I’d like to recommend a class — see this link for more info:
http://deafservicebureau.blogspot.com/p/asl-course.html
In addition, every Thursday from 7-9 PM, deaf people and students learning sign language get together at the Brandon Mall Foodcourt for a “silent” dinner. Everyone is welcome. It’s a great place to socialize with deaf people and practice your sign language.
ROADBLOCKS —(More ideas from Dr. Samuel Yochelson & Dr. Stanton E. Samenow)
Effective use of time and energy
People who have effective lives make good use of their time and energy. When you are drinking, drugging, being involved with wrong people, or becoming involved in crime, you are wasting hours of your life that could have been spent productively advancing yourself. Not only is your time being wasted day after day with non-productive activities, but the eventual outcome could include time with your lawyer, time in court, and even incarceration. What else could you be doing to advance your life in a productive manner? Living a clean, sober and honest life will free your time and energy to be advancing yourself personally, in your career, and with your family.
TAX DAY – DON’T DELAY.
Stay positive – this too will pass. Hurray – it’s tomorrow! One extra day to procrastinate.My professional life has been a constant record of disillusion, and many things that seem wonderful to most men are the every-day commonplaces of my business.
Harry Houdini, magician
How many of the above list did you check off? Is your adult life a magic show with constant disillusion of others? People who checked several answers to this list tend to have a life of conning, manipulating and trouble. Are you willing to let people know who you are, or do you carry on you a false front of charm, that hides your true self from others? Are you willing to do the work to make your life successful, or do you sit back and wait for others to care for you, and then blame the world when you don’t get the life you want? Do you blame others when your plans and relationships fail? If you find that this section describes you, and you wish to change, it is especially important that you learn to listen to your thoughts, and use deterrents to stop harmful thinking, and change to thoughts that will lead to positive actions.
It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.
Leonardo da Vinci, inventor and painter
Learning to use STOP Signs.
In chapter two I discussed using thought stopping, or putting up a stop sign when you began using should, or negative thoughts that led to depression or anxiety. Dr. Samuel Yochelson and Dr. Stanton Samenow described the following deterrents, or stop signs, that you can use to manage problem thinking.
Deterrents
Deterrent Thinking Patterns positive plan for thinking changes.
Deterrent 1 — Stop — Think Of The Immediate Consequences – IT’S DANGEROUS!
Before you act, think about the immediate consequences.
Ask, “What gets me into trouble?”
Think, “Using a drug equals prison.”
Remember if anything can go wrong, it will.
Deterrent 2 — Stop And Think About Who Gets Hurt — Reasoning Process
Think about all the problems that similar actions have caused yourself and others in the past.
Use the bad feelings to change yourself.
Think about the whole picture or ripple effect.
Deterrent 3 — Plan Ahead, Think Ahead, Make another Choice
Use this when you are reminded of exciting past actions and you might want more. Consider this poison.
Try to predict with who, where, and under what circumstances you might get into trouble. List ahead of time your past thoughts and actions that equal poison.
Avoid these people and places, and make another choice.
Deterrent 4 — Examination Of Conscience — Moral Inventory Daily
Think, not about the crime itself but that it is wrong.
Think about the injury you have inflicted upon others.
Examine your conscience immediately as you think about irresponsible, criminal conduct. This is a preventive tool.
Deterrent 5 — Do Not Dwell On It. Use responsible thinking patterns to replace the old patterns. Do this in advance and practice it. Irresponsible thoughts are dismissed fast.
At this point, you may think, “I’m not antisocial. I’m the most sociable person I know. I love parties and love being with other people. I really know how to charm my sex partners, and have had many.” In some cases, people may think “I know I’ve had my share of arrests, but they were never my fault and I’m certainly not a criminal.” If this identifies you, I hope you will continue reading this section, as you may find much to relate with.
People involved in addictions are certainly doing much to hurt themselves. However, many of these people also habitually do things that are harmful to others, and go against the norms of society. Antisocial doesn’t mean that a person isn’t a sociable person, but rather that they do things against society.
This behavior didn’t just appear overnight, or as an adult. When we look into their childhood, we find behaviors that went against society beginning from a very early age. Not all children who exhibit these behaviors all or in part, become antisocial or criminal adults, but these are risk factors and are frequently found in the history of criminals. For those of you who dislike the word criminal, imagine that a police officer had a movie of your life. How many years of jail or prison would you have? The definition of criminal is: people who commit crimes, even if they don’t get caught. Many people with criminal thinking are never caught by the law, but they are still hurting themselves and others.
IMAGE THAT YOUR LIFE has been recorded as a TV show that you are watching back. Think about the PATTERN of your life. Think about what would happen if a police were watching it. How much time would you spend in jail for things for which you have never been caught?
The following checklist helps you identify if you may have had childhood behaviors that later lead to crime and drug abuse. While not everyone who abuses drugs or other addictions has these symptoms, they are commonly found among addicts.
CHILDHOOD HISTORY – BEFORE 15 YEARS OLD.
Bedwetting @ age 5+
Temper tantrums
Lying just for the sake of lying
Got angry easily. Used anger to get your way
Trouble concentrating, impulse control problem
Truancy, missing school
Serious misbehavior in school, suspended or expelled
Fighting
Vandalism
Setting fires
Reckless or dangerous behaviors. Daredevil behavior
Running away from home
Cruelty to other children
Hurting animals
Drug abuse
Delinquent behaviors. Theft, shoplifting, breaking and entering, etc
Juvenile arrests
ADULT BEHAVIORS –
1. Using charm to get your way.
2. Using humor to get your way.
3. Impulsive. Does things without thinking about the consequence.
4. Saying what people want to hear so you can get your way.
5. Argumentive when things don’t go your way.
6. Using anger or copping-an-attitude to get your way.
7. Aggressive or explosive when things don’t go your way.
8. Bored often.
9. Moody. Irritable.
10. Lying to get what you want.
11. Lies frequently and easily. Sometimes lies for no reason.
12. Many sex partners. Many failed relationships.
13. Feels people are suckers, or stupid, and I can get what I want from them.
14. Believe that you are smarter or better than most people. Feeling people are gullible and you control them.
15. Feel that people deserve what they get; you need to take care of #1.
16. Sometimes has feelings for others, and has feelings for people close in your life, but doesn’t care about most people.
17. I get what I can from people & don’t think about their feelings – especially not strangers.
18. Doesn’t trust people. Few long-term friends.
19. Feeling you don’t owe people anything, even if you said you would do something.
20. You avoid paying for things, or doing things you promised, if you can get away with it.
21. Reckless. Thrill-seeking or daredevil behavior.
22. Fighting.
23. Problems with authority figures. (bosses, police, PO etc)
24. Job problems. Tends to walk out on jobs.
25. Serious drug abuse.
26. Repeat legal problems or arrests.
I had a man in one of my classes who had trouble hearing this own warning voice, so he tattooed a picture of his mother onto his back. Whenever he had any doubts about his thinking and behavior, he thought about what he would do if his mother were watching him. I’m not suggesting that you tattoo your mother on your back, but do make it a habit to stop and check your thinking, rather than acting automatically in ways that could be harmful to you or others.
April is the beginning of spring and the warming of the Earth. Holidays this month range from Earth Day to Passover and Easter. All of these have the same theme in common, the rebirth of the Earth after the winter freeze. Both Easter and Passover have symbols such as eggs, which represent new life. By now, you are well on your way to a healthy new life. We have examined goal setting, healthy relationships, managing your emotions, and developing a healthy, clean and sober life-style. This chapter will help you to develop awareness of your irrational thoughts that impair your Spring Time feelings, and continue challenging them.
April also begins with the celebration of “April Fools Day.” Recovery entails continuing efforts to become honest with yourself and others, and to avoid the con games and manipulations that many addicts engage in. These con games and tactics may not have begun as a result of your addiction, as the first signs of these problems are often evident in childhood. As with the substance abuse chapter, not everyone will find themselves in this chapter, but if you pride yourself in being a player or hustler, you may find that this chapter speaks strongly to you.
I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.’Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.
Leonardo da Vinci, Birthday April 15, 1452- May 2, 1519
Painter & Inventor
Today is April Fools day — do a trick on someone, but make sure it’s something kind. For example – Dr. Goidel loves Ketchup, so one year on April fools I filled his mailbox with over 200 tiny ketchup packages (like McDonalds). After the shock of having ketchup fall and fall and fall out of his mailbox, he was delighted. Find a fun and kind trick to do on your friends and family!
ROADBLOCKS (Addition ideas by Dr. Samuel Yochelson and Dr. Stanton E. Samenow)
Being Deliberately Vague
This is one way that people lie without saying anything false. It’s common in teenagers. When their parents ask them where they went, they answer “out” and what did you do? “Nothing.” Being deliberately vague is a way of failing to be honest, and also is used to cover-up the truth.
Telling Others What They Want to Hear, and Not the Whole Truth
Here is another form of lying. Often people will ask you if you are still drinking or using and you tell them no, I haven’t drank all week, when you are drinking on the weekends. Lying in this manner, as with all the lies being discussed in these roadblocks, isn’t limited to just substance abuse. The child who tells his parents he is doing well in school when he has been skipping classes or is failing, is telling his parents what they want to hear, not what is true.
Omitting Facts, Distorting Truth, and Revealing Only What Pleases oneself.
Half-truths that distort the truth are still lies. This is like the child who ran an errand for his mother, but chose not to tell her that he had stopped at the candy store on the way home. He may feel that he got away with something, but others sense when you are lying, and you will lose their trust and respect.
Agreeing without Commitment
When you say yes, or agree to do something that you don’t intend to do, you are lying. This hurts others because they are depending on you to get something done, and then the job remains undone or is delayed. You are also hurt as you will lose trust with people who are going to consider you untrustworthy and undependable. Again, as with all these forms of lying, you will lose trust and respect as you develop a reputation as being a liar. You aren’t fooling anybody but yourself in the long-run.
Sophocles (c. 496 B.C.–406 B.C.)
A lie never lives to be old.
Acrisius. Frag. 59.
Different people have varying needs for excitement. People who become addicted to drugs & alcohol, and people who become involved in illegal activities, tend to have a high need for excitement. Brain studies have shown that addicts tend to have a lower level of neurotransmitters, or brain chemicals that give a satisfied feeling. Taking risks increases these chemicals in the brain and makes a person feel good. However, there are healthy ways to increase neurotransmitter levels, such as exercise.
Addicts who have been using since adolescence fail to learn that being bored is a normal part of life and to deal with it. Responsible adults know how to accept boredom without using it as an excuse to do drugs. There will always be times when life isn’t as exciting as you wish, and if you are looking for an excuse to abuse your drug of choice, boredom is always an easy excuse to use, but never a valid reason.
There are many healthy alternatives and the choice is yours to make. You also have the choice to decide not to be bored. There are always plenty of healthy activities to do if you look for them. Part of life is that you aren’t always going to be with other people who are willing to entertain you, and you need to learn to become comfortable being with yourself. In addition to exercise, many people use relaxation methods such as praying and meditating to help them focus and get in touch with their own bodies and mind. If you are feeling bored, that is an indication that you need to work on your goal setting, which was discussed in chapter one. People who set goals and are working on them rarely have the need to suffer from boredom.
Learn to Endure Boredom – This is essential. If you can’t stand the long stretches of boredom that come with being a responsible adult, you’ll never be one. Don’t believe for a minute that shifting your addiction to a more socially acceptable form of excitement will change anything. Addicts usually go back to their drug of choice.
Dr. Stanton Samenow
People with addictive behaviors often have trouble with openness and honesty. Even when they do tell the truth, they may omit important facts. John used to go to the store for “milk,” but on the way he’d buy a couple cases of beer to hide in the car trunk.
Addiction necessitates not only lying to others, but also lying to oneself. How many times have you said “my problem really isn’t that bad. I don’t (fill in the blank). I can control it. I only use on weekends (passing out on Saturday night is just as much as problem as on Wednesday night), nobody knows because I don’t use when my family, friends, children can see me (they know), I can concentrate better when I’m high, stoned or drunk (it only seems that way), I’m sexier when I’m drunk or high?” (Neither drunkenness nor impotence is sexy).
Recovery requires complete disclosure. Total honesty without omission of facts is essential for recovery. Keeping a diary or written record of your thinking errors is recommended for progress. If you stop practicing your addiction, but continue lying openly, giving half truths by omitting important facts, twisting and distorting your story, and excusing your addictive behavior, you may be staying free from your addiction temporarily, but you aren’t yet in recovery. Getting honest with yourself and others is essential for you to move on with your life and to put your addiction behind you.
In addition to being honest, you must learn to become receptive to other people. You must be willing to consider other people’s viewpoints, and give up your viewpoint of being superior of others, and above learning from others. I don’t expect you to take in everything uncritically, but it’s important to listen and consider new viewpoints. New ideas and feedback needs to be retained and implemented, not just listened to. You must be willing to accept information about yourself without taking the victim stance or becoming angry.
You also need to become self-critical and work on changing the things you don’t like about yourself. Previously, you may have taken either a victim or victor stance, making everything in your life a contest that you either win or lose. Part of recovery is learning to examine your thinking and behavior, and be willing to change.
Here are some exercises that may be helpful to you in learning to be open and receptive:
Monitor each of the above and keep a daily journal of your thinking.
Ask others close to you to help you by giving you feedback on your behavior. Thank them. Don’t discuss or argue about their comments. Pay attention and try to make changes.
Be critical of yourself. Spend some time nightly recording things you have done during the day. Monitor each of the above in your thought monitoring each week.
Learn from others. Get directions or ask for information.
Ask others close to you to help you by giving you feedback on your behavior. Thank them. Don’t discuss, argue, act angry, or sulk about their comments. Pay attention and try to make changes.
Be critical of yourself. Spend some time nightly recording thoughts and behaviors you have done during the day that you need to change. Also record how you have done well, including positive behaviors and thinking you have experienced.
HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
SUDS: Seemingly Unimportant Decisions
Watch for these ideas in the story below and examine how they were related to Robert’s relapse. Then discuss how they are also dangerous for your recovery.
Rocky Robert has a terrible day at work. He was angry because his boss gave him a last minute assignment just before lunch and told him that it was urgent that he finishes it today. Robert worked through lunch and stayed late to finish the assignment. His boss never even said “thank you.” Driving home, Robert had to shake his head to stay awake. He hadn’t been sleeping well since his wife took the kids to visit her mother for the week. He missed his wife and children. Roberts’s stomach was grumbling, as he hadn’t had time for lunch. He looked in the refrigerator and didn’t see anything he wanted to eat. He was so tired he didn’t feel like cooking anyway.
Just then the phone rang. Robert looked at the caller ID and hesitated a moment before deciding to answer the phone. It was his old drinking buddy Joe Six-Pack. Robert hadn’t talked to Joe since he’d become sober several months earlier. “I’ll just talk to him a minute,” Robert thought as he said “hello.”
“Hey buddy, I haven’t heard from you in awhile. Why don’t we get together at Pizza ‘N Suds tonight.”
“No. I don’t drink anymore.”
“Hey bud, there’s no need to drink. We can just get pizza. Have you had dinner yet?”
“No, and I’m really hungry. I’m angry about my day, lonely because the wife and kids are gone for the week, and really tired. I don’t suppose it would hurt to go out, but just for pizza.”
“That’s great. I’ll meet you in 20 minutes.” Joe Six-Pack hung up the phone.
What SUDS (seemingly unimportant decisions) did Robert make? When you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, it’s important to HALT, and check your thinking and actions. Going out to Pizza ‘N Suds with Joe Six-Pack would have been a poor choice for Robert at any time, but especially when he was in a bad state of mind and not thinking clearly.
The steps to Robert’s relapse may have begun days earlier. He knew that his wife was leaving for a week, but he didn’t prepare to have alternative activities. Instead, he sat home and thought about how lonely he was, which led to depression and interfered with his sleep. Robert failed to prepare by having meals in the house, and chose to work through lunch. He failed to be assertive with his boss, and instead held in his anger. These were all seemingly unimportant decisions, but by the time Joe Six-Pack called, the plan was already in place. If he hadn’t already been preparing for a relapse, Robert would have looked at the caller ID and chose not to answer the phone or to have contact with his old drinking buddy. Even after answering the phone, Robert could have quickly ended the call without making plans with Joe. After the call was completed, Robert could still have chosen not to go to Pizza “N Suds, but he continued on the path to destruction with one SUDS after another.
What can you do to HALT yourself and become more aware of your SUDS?
WHEN YOU THINK: “ONLY ONE WON’T HURT,” THINK ABOUT BEING RUN OVER BY A LONG TRAIN–IT’S ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE THAT MATTERS.
MY DRUG OR HABIT OF CHOICE (money and thrills/danger also count as a drug) __________________________________________________________
How old was I when I started using?_____________________________
How often did I use?_________________________________________
How much I did I use? _______________________________________
Other drugs I’ve used (even once) how old, how often, how much?
Describe the situation that brought you to where you are now. I want to know what YOU did, not the police, your partner, or anybody else. Take responsibility for your actions.
Legal problems your addiction has caused?
Relationship problems? How have they improved since being drug free?
Job problems? How has this improved since being drug free?
Physical problems? Eating or sleeping problems? How have they improved since being drug free?
Mental problems? Memory problems? How have they improved since being drug free?
Other ? (Motivation, getting more done, anger etc)
Triggers, Cravings, and Relapse Prevention Plan
Circle all the Excuses that you have told yourself:
Everybody does it It won’t hurt me I can control it
Friends, associates I like getting high It’s fun
bored, nothing to do I’m depressed I’m sad
I’m happy, celebrating I feel anxious My family
Hungry My mother/father Holiday/Party
Lonely My partner Celebration
Angry Stress To sleep
To eat/gain weight To relax/calm down Tired
My kids broke/money To lose weight
Women/men/sex Music Dreams
A craving Mental illness
physical illness OTHER:
Example:
Everybody does it – 1. Most people don’t use drugs. It seemed like everybody does only because I chose friends who do drugs and avoided people who were clean/sober. I am choosing to be with people who use, but I don’t trust them. 2. My new plan is to find friends who are clean and sober, and avoid those who use. 3. If I have a craving I will call a new friend for support, deep breath, go for a walk.
Now it’s your turn. Do at least three examples. Remember, each example has three parts.
TRIGGERS, AND PLAN TO HANDLE TRIGGERS
Here are some common triggers to relapse. Write out your plan to manage each one of these that relates to you. Keep this plan where you can find it easily if you need to review it.
PHYSICAL (cravings, dreams)
SMELL/TASTE/SEE DRUGS:
THOUGHTS OF USING:
FRIENDS/FAMILY:
PLACES YOU USED:
PEOPLE YOU USED WITH:
FEELINGS (depressed, lonely, etc)
STRESSORS (bills, transportation, probation etc)
OTHER
Addictions can be measured like shit. People have varying level of shit in their lives. Some have mouse shit, while others have dog shit, and some have elephant shit. People with mouse shit may include young adults who party too hard. Most will mature out of their excesses and become responsible drinkers, with or without therapy.
People with dog shit need to remain abstinent. If they return to drinking, they will be standing on the edge of a deep canyon. I once heard of a woman who crossed a fence to get a better photo of the edge of the Grand Canyon. There were loose pebbles and when the ground shifted…
Elephant shit people might as well drink gasoline, for even one taste of alcohol is a death sentence. Many have alcoholic parents, and drank alcoholically from their first drink. They can’t go back to controlled drinking because they never could drink with control. They aren’t sick. People who are sick have the potential to get better. They have a genetic trait (not an illness) for abusing substances. It won’t change anymore than will their eye color. They need to understand this, and not try to test it anymore than they would want to test their balance on loose pebbles at the edge of a steep canyon.
A one-day-at-a-time approach sprays the room with floral scent – repeat daily. An effective program gets into the clients’ shit and helps them clean it up. Alcoholics can never drink, but they need goals and future vision, not limited to one day at a time. Substance abuse is like high school – been there, done that. When the substance abusers life becomes filled with healthy thinking, healthy activities, and healthy relationships, then there is no room for deadly mind-altering substances. Drinking again isn’t possible, but recovery to a healthy clean and sober life is an achievable goal.
There is no problem so bad that drugs or alcohol can’t make it worse
How Do You Know If You Have a Problem?
Risk Factors:
Family history of drug or alcohol abuse.
High tolerance – you can drink/use more than most people and not get sick.
Feeling good/happy from using – A night of using is a positive experience.
Indications of a Problem
You feel alone, scared, miserable, and depressed
Drinking more than 4-5 drinks at one time, or more than 20-25 per week.
Have you ever felt the need to cut down on your drinking?
Increased tolerance.
Personality changes while drinking/using/selling.
Have you ever felt annoyed by someone who was criticizing your drinking?
Periods of quitting – stop and start drinking/using/selling.
Feeling you should cut down or quit. Feeling bad or guilty.
Denying or lying about use to yourself or other people.
Have you ever felt guilty about your drinking?
Irresponsible behavior while using/selling (unprotected sex, fighting etc)
Family or friends suggest you cut down or stop.
Feeling annoyed when others criticize your drinking/using/selling.
Underestimate how much you are drinking/using/selling.
Drink/use/sell to relax or calm your nerves.
Drink/use/sell because you feel lonely.
Drink/use/sell to help you sleep.
Drink/use/sell to relieve anger or irritability.
Drink/use/sell to relieve school or work pressures.
Drink/use/sell to go along with others.
Drink/use/sell to relieve boredom.
Drink/use/sell to relieve depression or sadness.
Increase drinking/use/sales after experiencing a loss in your life.
Unable to eat while drinking/using.
Drink/used to relieve hangover or withdrawal symptoms.
Difficulty remembering things that happened.
Drink/use/sell more than you intended.
One DUI.
Other legal involvement related to using.
Ability to drink more than before.
Look forward to drinking/using
Drink/use to get a buzz or drunk
Can hold more than most people
Tell yourself it’s okay because everybody does it.
A night of using/drinking is a fun. It makes you happy.
Feel that you don’t have a problem because other people use more.
Tell yourself that drinking/using isn’t a problem if it’s only on weekends
Feel annoyed when others criticize my drinking/drug use.
Sometimes drink/use more than I intended.
Don’t tell how much I really use
INDICATIONS OF SERIOUS (life threatening) PROBLEM
Drinking/using while pregnant.
Decreased tolerance. Can’t drink as much as you used to.
Repeat DUI’s or legal involvements when drugs/alcohol/ or selling was used.
Use to satisfy a strong craving.
Feel unable to stop or set limits to your drinking/use. Need to use/sell daily.
Have you ever felt the need for a drink at the beginning of the day?
Medical problems due to drinking/using (VD, AIDS, heart, liver, brain damage)
Job loss due to drinking/using/selling.
Loss of family, friends, marriage, children.
Blackouts (can’t remember what you were doing day before).
Pass-out (unconscious).
Used/drank/sold daily.
Drank/used to get going in morning
Jail/Prison related to using
Past Drug Treatment and return to using
Insanity, Dementia (brain damage), Death (you are here yet, but how close are you?)
There are no exact numbers to tell you when you have a problem and when you don’t. Often addicts who are not in recovery believe that their addictive behavior is normal. If you answered yes to any questions in the above four questionnaires, this may be indicating a problem. The more yeses you had, the more serious a problem. If your addiction isn’t drugs or alcohol, consider how you would answer if you replaced the word drugs or alcohol with the name of your addiction. Would you answer differently?
Mature adults understand that they can’t expect others to take care of them. You are responsible for the decisions you make. Nobody forced you into your addiction and nobody will stop you. You make the choice to get up every morning and get on with your day, doing the things that you know are necessary to keep your life running smoothly. When things don’t go as you wish, it’s up to you to continue managing and not to give-up. There are always roadblocks in life, but it’s up to you to challenge and master them, rather than to give up and blame roadblocks for your choice to fail or not.
You never fail until you quit trying. You were born knowing this lesson. When you were a baby you tried over and over again to turn over, sit up, and finally to walk. No matter how many times you fell down, you always got up and tried again. Every important skill that you have mastered in your life took practice and failing over and over again before you finally mastered it. Take responsibility for your life. Don’t give it to others, and don’t give up on your challenges.
Substance abuse, which includes alcohol, illegal substances, harmful chemicals, and abuse of prescription drugs, has the ability of blinding people to the problem. That little March Leprechaun and green beer of St. Patrick’s Day may seem cute, but substance abuse is no laughing matter. I’ve seen people who have lost jobs, friends, family, children, home, freedom, health, and finally their lives over substance abuse. Most people who enter therapy for the first time try to explain why they “don’t have a problem.” I listen to these excuses carefully, for these individuals are telling me the next step and the direction where they are headed. One person may say “I don’t drink daily” and most likely he’s saying that he drinks more days than not and soon will become a daily drinker. When someone tells me, “I’m not homeless. I have a friend living on the street and I’m not like him,” I have a serious concern that this person is heading in this destructive direction.
There are six stages of substance abuse and recovery. People move back and forth between stages, and mastering one doesn’t ensure that you won’t return to it at a later time.
Precontemplation: Not considering quitting. Denies having a problem.
Contemplation: Considering quitting but has made no commitment. Is beginning to become aware that there is a problem that he needs to work on.
Preparation: Planning to quit in the near future and has made attempts to quit. Is beginning to develop actions and a change in life-style that are preliminary to a new lifestyle. He admits to having a problem most of the time.
Early Recovery: Successfully discontinues addictive behavior. Still has addictive thinking, may still associate with other addicts or addictive life-styles. Often considers abstinence to be a temporary state and thinks about going back to using when the present crisis is resolved. May still minimize the extent of his problem and makes excuse for his use. Feels he is recovered because he has stopped using.
Middle Recovery: Has remained abstinent for three to six months and is no longer having cravings or physical withdrawal symptoms. Has looked at his addiction honestly. Has made a commitment to remain abstinent. Has made new friends and avoids people and situations that put him at risk for relapse.
Maintenance: Has maintained abstinence for one year. Has made changes in lifestyle and thinking that encourage ongoing abstinence from addiction.
Relapse: Relapse may occur at any time but does not have to be a permanent setback. I do not consider this to be a stage of recovery, as considering it a stage is allowing for a relapse. If one happens, it’s time to stop and return to abstinence. Being human, we often make bad choices in life, but they do not mean that we have failed, only that we need to get up and begin again.
MARCH
As a child, I always remembered March with the expression “In like a lion, out like a lamb.” March is a month of changes. One day may be icy cold with a bitter wind, and the next day mild and sunny. The cold grip of winter is giving way to spring, but it doesn’t go down without a fight. Of course, now that I’ve moved to Florida, and especially with the recent mild winters, the weather changes aren’t as obvious. However, the mood changes still occur within you as a normal part of recovery. One day you may feel like a raging lion and the next day you will have found, at least temporarily, the peace and serenity of a lamb. You may temporarily feel very uncomfortable as your problems, like the artic winds, fight a losing battle with your newfound health.
While I am writing these next blogs focused on addiction, the advice and information can be helpful as everyone has some areas of their lives in which they act addictively. This could be in relationships, time wasting activities (TV, internet games, bad habits etc)
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
Theodor Seuss Geisel, “Dr. Seuss” Birthday March 2, 1904
Author, Artist, and Poet
ROADBLOCKS: (Identified by Dr. Samuel Yochelson and Dr. Stanton E. Samenow)
Silence or Refusal to Participate
Rather than facing the problem and discussing it, use of this roadblock prevents effective communication. A person using this roadblock is showing all the maturity of a teenager who locks himself in his room. Avoiding unpleasantness by refusing to discuss a problem doesn’t make it go away.
Rather than being willing to look inward, the person pointing out others faults is attempting to focus away from himself and onto the other person. By attacking others, you not only refuse to take responsibility for yourself, but attacking others harms relationships. You would quickly begin avoiding and become emotionally closed to a person who attacked you rather than allowed an open discussion. Putting the focus on other’s faults also distracts the conversation from the real issue.
Uses Anger as a Weapon to Control Others
Often this isn’t real anger, but a control tactic. When someone becomes angry, others tend to give-in to their demands, or try to give them what they want to avoid facing their angry behavior. Even if acting angry gets you your way in the short-run, the long-term consequences of impaired relationships and alienating other people makes it a poor choice to use. Learning to control your emotional outbursts and to communicate well will earn you the respect that demanding and anger never will.
Sex is nature’s way to help two people bond and to stay together for the many years it takes to raise their children. Sex helps two healthy adults maintain a strong relationship. A healthy sexual relationship respects both individuals. A healthy relationship entails commitment and monogamy, but not the need to be together every minute, or to require constant contact and “keeping tabs” on the other one.
Dysfunctional relationships can go in one of two extremes. Promiscuity or “playing the field” is a sure way to lead to at least one person being hurt. It may begin with no commitment, but it’s hard to maintain that. Human nature leads people who are engaging in a sexual relationship to desire increased closeness and monogamy. When one or both partners are involved with outside sex partners, someone almost always gets hurt. Even the person who doesn’t develop close feelings ends up hurt, as by turning off feelings, he often displaces them in another way such as engaging in addictive behaviors. Trust and feelings in a relationship is what leads to good sex. Without it, we aren’t much different from animals, which engage in the sex act, but lack meaningful relationships.
The other extreme of dysfunctional relationships is the “joined at the hip” couple. A relationship is doomed to fail when the couple needs to be together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They do everything together and spend all their free time together. Eventually, one person needs his or her space and the relationship ends with one or both parties getting hurt. This situation also lacks trust and is too closed to allow each individual to grow.
A healthy adult-to-adult relationship entails loyalty, but also moderation and the ability for each person to have their own space and time. Individuals need to respect each other, but also need to allow the other person to have his or her own interests. Other areas that are important for a healthy relationship include respect for each other, trust and support, being honest and accountable, negotiating decisions and fairness including shared financial decisions, sharing responsibility for chores and decisions, no violence or threatening behavior, and shared parenting.
We learned about relationships by observing our parents during childhood. Often, people who observed control or violence in childhood seek out a partner who will repeat this pattern. If that pattern was abusive, women are likely to find an abusive partner, and men may imitate their father and find a woman who accepts abuse in the relationship. There are many woman who leave an abusive family, only to go from one abusive partner to the next. Abusive men may have a high level of charisma and be “exciting.” There isn’t any strict rule that the woman becomes the victim and the man the victimizer, but that pattern is the most common one. It can go either way, and men may also be abused. Below is a list published by the Spring of Tampa Bay of warning signs of domestic violence:
Most people desire a healthy relationship, yet many find this hard to achieve. One problem with relationships is that both parties bring their past into the relationship. Jack may think that he is married to Jill, but he doesn’t realize that Jill has brought her past with her. Not only are there Jack and Jill in the home, but Jacks parents, siblings, and possibly even his grandparents, aunts and uncles. Jill has brought with her the same complement of relatives. Their household is crowded even before the first child is born. Thoughts of “why do you always do things that way” and “this is the way my mom or dad did it,” influence the relationship from the start. It is a challenge for the new couple to become adults, interacting in an adult-to-adult mode, rather than one becoming the parent and the other the child.
As a counselor, I often meet with couples who are acting out the role of parent/child. Their interaction becomes an unhappy dance. I know this is happening when they come with comments about “he won’t help,” “she is always nagging,” “he talks to me like I’m a child,” “she thinks she’s the boss and always tells me what to do.” The presenting problems may be more serious, such as mental illness or substance abuse, but it soon becomes evident that poor communication, and failure to achieve adult-to-adult communication is the real problem.
When this is the situation, therapy consists of teaching the couple to use “I messages” and assertive communication when sharing their needs and thoughts. When the other member of the couple begins finding fault, it’s important to listen and understand what is being said, rather than to argue. You may want to repeat back what the person said, “I understand that you are upset because you want me to be more active in child care,” or to listen carefully until your partner is finished talking, even to repeat what they said to check that you understood correctly, and then say “thank you for sharing.” You are not dependant on waiting for the other one to change the dance, but when you begin making changes in yourself, your partner will also begin changing.
Like anger and depression, anxiety comes from your self-talk. Suppose you tell yourself that others must approve of you. If someone doesn’t love you or understand you, then you tell yourself that this is terrible and you can’t stand it. See how you are going down the emotional chart that leads you to feeling anxious or even panicked? In it’s most severe form, anxiety can cripple a person and make him (or her) feel too fearful to even leave their house. He begins telling himself “What if I leave the house? Something terrible might happen. I might have a panic attack and everyone will see me. I might faint. I might have to be taken to the hospital. What if I leave the house and something happens? I won’t be able to stand it.” This is looking for a catastrophe to happen. Albert Ellis calls this “catastrophizing.” I’ve had clients who referred to this as “what if-ing.”
Many people “what if” when their children are home five minutes late. “What if he was hit by a car and is laying on the street bleeding somewhere,” or if their boss doesn’t smile, the thought in their head begins spinning “What if he’s mad at me. I know I’m going to be fired. It’s going to be a catastrophe.”
The more you catastrophize or what if, the more anxious you will feel, and that leads to more and more anxiety. Use the chart to examine your thinking. Is it rational to believe that anytime someone is a few minutes late, or doesn’t smile at you, it means something terrible is about to happen? Of course not. Once you examine your thinking errors and begin replacing them with rational thoughts, you will find that you have no need to suffer from anxiety, or to manage anxiety through addictive behaviors. Remember the car wheel that is stuck in the mud? First, stop and put on the brakes. Then examine the situation and stop worrying about everything that “might” happen. Catastrophes most likely won’t happen, and if they do, then you’ll be in a better state of mind to deal with them if you haven’t spent the day worrying and scaring yourself helpless. Have you heard the song “don’t worry, be happy.” Try making that your theme song while you work on giving up your “what ifs.”
Anger is a normal emotion that everyone experiences. Everyone has times of being happy, sad, frustrated, horny (yes, even your kids and parents), and angry. Anger is neither good nor bad, but is merely an emotional state of being. Anger, like pain, is a warning that something is wrong.
You may not enjoy the feeling of pain, but imagine what life would be like if you lacked this important warning system. Have you ever accidentally put your hand on a hot stove? What happened next? You pulled it away FAST. Had you not felt pain, you might have left your hand on the stove until it burned to ashes. I’m glad to feel pain, as it’s one method my body uses to keep me safe.
Anger, like pain, helps give you a warning when something is wrong. You feel anger when someone or something is violating your beliefs, or shoulds. Suppose I believe that you should arrive at a certain time and you arrive late. I may be telling myself “you should have been here on time, you made me angry.”
Wait, you know better than that. Others don’t control your emotions. Here is the reworded thought. “I’m feeling angry because I expected you to be here on time. I dislike waiting but I chose to wait for you. I made that choice and have no need to blame you for my feelings.” There are some people who have numerous expectations for others and get angry easily. Other people are more likely to “go with the flow,” and find that the less “shoulds” and “musts” that they have for others, the less likely they are to feel angry.
It is necessary to deal with your anger as it arises. When you are feeling angry, you need to stop and identify your “shoulds” that are being violated and rephrase your thinking. There are people who push their anger inside themselves, deny feeling angry, and instead, do things that hurt themselves such as engaging in addictions. When you feel yourself becoming angry, instead of pushing it inside yourself, it’s important to go back to your emotion chart on the previous page and take a detour.
Learning to control your strong emotions such as anger will take practice, and will be an ongoing project. In order to reduce anger, you need to learn to stop feeding your anger by continuing to chew on it over and over again, like a cow chewing it’s cud. You also need to learn to identify your feelings of being violated, and face them openly, rather than through practicing addictive behaviors. You may have irrational belief systems about how you expect others to behave. Examining your beliefs will help you decide which feelings of anger are warning signs of danger, and which ones are irrational ideas that you are putting onto others.
Road Rage: An Example of Displaced Anger and Use of Humor.
Hurry-up Henry believed that he owned the road. He hated to wait in traffic, and became enraged when other cars cut in front of him. If he had a bad morning, or was running late, he felt he had “the right” to lean on his horn, give hand signs out the window, and tailgate any car that “cut me off.” By the time Henry arrived to work, he was exhausted and suffering from a serious headache. His doctor told him that his blood pressure was dangerously high and he needed to learn to calm down.
Henry examined his “shoulds” and realized he held a belief that when he had a bad morning, other drivers “should” get out of his way, they “should” be careful and polite drivers, and no one “should ever” cut in front of him. He wanted other drivers to recognize and respect his bad mood. Henry began to realize that he wasn’t in control of other drivers, and they would never meet his expectations. Henry (who tended to see himself as superior, although he had many serious problems) began to think of the other drivers as monkeys.
“You can’t expect a monkey to be a good driver.” Henry explained. “Since the road is filled with monkey drivers, I get into my car with the thought in his mind that I can’t expect anything from the other drivers. I am responsible for being extra careful because you never know what those monkey drivers will do. Other drivers are not worth getting upset over.”
When Henry had a problem at home, he learned to resolve the problem rather than express it on the road. Henry found that he arrived to work in a calmer mood and his days went much smoother when he drove carefully and avoided fights. When Henry changed his beliefs, he also decreased his anger and learned to manage his road rage. He was happier as he learned to deal with his problems directly, using humor rather than acting them out while driving. Henry’s doctor was pleased to inform him that his blood pressure had gone down to normal.
We’ve all experienced times when our thoughts begin spinning in our head like a wheel spinning out of control. So imagine that you are in a car and a tire is stuck in the mud. The harder you push on the gas pedal, the deeper the tire digs itself into the ground, and the worse your situation becomes. The easiest, and most obvious thing to do is STOP. Yes, just take your foot off the gas and gently put it on the break. STOP! Stop letting the wheels in your mind spin out of control. Yell at the committee “STOP, STOP, STOP.” Yes, you do have this power within yourself. You do NOT have to give unwanted thoughts free rent in your head. You have the power and the choice to stop the wheels from turning. The more you think and the more you talk about your unwanted thoughts, the more you feed them. If you are angry, spend time calming down, going for a walk, exercising, praying or meditating. Do not try to relieve your anger by acting out in an angry way such as attacking a pillow or punching bag – this will only feed your aggression and anger. Find a calming activity instead. Check your “shoulds.” What do you think “should” be happening that isn’t? Is this rational for you to demand, or can you be okay with the situation the way it is now?
SHOULD, MUST, OUGHT, HAVE TO, NEED TO
(irrational beliefs that lead you to becoming upset)
Leads to —>
TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL
(Making things a catastrophe)
Leads to —>
I CAN’T STAND IT
(negative self talk)
DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, ANGER,
FRUSTRATION, FEAR, etc
Poor Me
ALCOHOL ABUSE, DRUGS, VIOLENCE,
EMOTIONAL ILLNESS, SUICIDE, HOMICIDE
STOP (mentally tell yourself to stop)
(thought stopping)
Leads to —>
IT’S NOT TERRIBLE
(positive self talk)
Leads to —>
I CAN STAND IT
Acceptance without upset
Leads to —>
I’D PREFER THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT, BUT I’M OK & CAN ACCEPT THIS SITUATION WITHOUT GETTING UPSET.
Sue came to my office shuffling her feet and looking down at the ground. She was unwashed, her hair was unbrushed, and her clothes were wrinkled as though she had been sleeping in them. Her eyes were wet and red from crying. It came as no surprise to me when Sue told me she came for therapy due to depression. She stated that her depression began when her boyfriend had not bought her a valentine gift.
“What should have happened?” I tried helping her identify her irrational beliefs.
“He should have at least bought me a card.”
“Is that terrible?”
“Yes,” Sue continued, “It’s terrible that he doesn’t care about me.”
“So are you upset about not getting a card?”
“No, I’m upset because he should show more caring for me.”
“…and that’s terrible!”
“Yes,” she confirmed.
“And you can’t stand it.”
“That’s right.”
“It sounds as though the committee in your head keeps repeating these ideas over and over. Have you gotten stuck on the idea that your boyfriend isn’t giving you enough loving and attention? How do you think that might relate to your depression?”
“You’re right. I don’t know how to get it out of my mind. I can’t make him give me the attention that I need.”
“Hmm, lets look closer at this. Is it true that you really NEED your boyfriend to love and care about you?” I challenged Sue to dispute her irrational thinking.
“I do need his love. When he doesn’t give me enough attention, it makes me depressed.”
“What exactly makes you depressed?”
At first Sue continued blaming her boyfriend for making her depressed, but over time she began to realize that her depression originated from her own feelings and demands that he act a certain way. Sue’s path to depression went like this: He should love and care about me, it’s terrible when I don’t get enough attention, I can’t stand it when he doesn’t give me as much attention as I want and I feel unloved. When I feel unloved I get depressed.
Sue needed to change her thinking, and realize that although she desired love and attention from her boyfriend, it wasn’t something she needed. She wouldn’t die if she didn’t have his attention, but could continue leading a healthy life without him. Here is her new path of thinking: STOP, I don’t have to keep letting these same thoughts swirl around in my head and make me miserable, it’s not really terrible and there are many worse things (on a scale of one to a hundred, how would you rate not getting a Valentines card?). I can stand it, I would have preferred getting a card and I would prefer it if my boyfriend gave me more attention, but I can be okay if he doesn’t. I have a choice whether or not I want to be depressed.
As Sue began to realize that she has control over her own feelings, she began feeling better. I suggested to her that if she felt the need to have a “pity party” that she schedule one. She needed a day and time to start and stop her pity party. I suggest ten to fifteen minutes of sitting around crying and saying “poor me, poor me.” Then end it and go on with her life. I also suggest that as soon as she begins feeling depressed, to back track and find her shoulds. She doesn’t need to go down the whole path, but can use thought stopping whenever she chooses to stop the pity party.
This chart works well for helping you manage strong emotions, whether they are depression, anxiety, anger, or fear. Look at this chart, derived from ideas by Albert Ellis, and see if you can fill it in it with one of your own strong emotions that you would like to control better.
You have the capability of deciding how you feel. You aren’t at the mercy of uncontrollable outside forces. Even when you have a physical disorder that leads to anxiety or depression, you still make the problem better or worse with your own self-talk. Self-talk is that little voice in the back of your head, and constant discussion that you maintain with yourself. I’ve had students refer to this as “the committee.”
Albert Ellis has written many books discussing the idea that there are many false or irrational beliefs that people hold which, when combined with “should” or “must,” lead to anger, depression, or anxiety. Often the belief isn’t immediately evident and will take a little digging to find. Below is an example of Sad Sue, who believed that she wasn’t good enough herself, but needed love and approval from others in order to matter.
Now that you have an understanding of how an “I message” works, and the two parts, identifying your feelings and giving a specific statement, it’s time to start practicing with other people. You may also discuss your action or behavior, but don’t blame the other person for your actions or thoughts. Here are a few examples. Remember, this isn’t meant to identify your feelings, but rather is meant to be talking to someone else.
I feel _______Upset__________ when___ I come home and find a sink full of dishes. __
I feel ________Proud of you_____when You bring home A’s on your report card.
I feel _____Scared________________ when You came home late and didn’t call me. I chose to stay up late and wait for you.
I feel ____________Frustrated_____________________________ when _I want to get to the party on time, but it was more important to me to go with you, so I chose to wait for you. I would prefer to have left earlier, but the choice was mine.
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
I feel __________________________________________ when _______________________________________________________________________
Now that you have practiced on paper. It’s time to practice with your family, friends, and acquaintances. You may want to choose a friend, family member, or your counselor to discuss what this experience was like for you. Many people feel awkward when they first start communicating in this way, but like anything else new, it takes practice to get comfortable with. Remember, “I messages” aren’t a technique to manipulate people to do things that you want, but rather, they are an improved way for you to communicate with others.
The next step in good communication is learning to be specific. Say exactly what you want, and don’t leave it open ended for others to have to guess your meaning.
Here are some examples that are done for you. Yes or no relates to the statement being specific or not:
Clean up the mess – No (This is not specific. I have no idea what mess is being discussed, or even what you mean by clean up.)
Put the toys on the shelf – Yes (This is specific and clearly explains what you want done.)
This kitchen is trashed – No (trashed doesn’t give me a very good idea what the problem is)
The sink is full of dishes — Yes (do you see how much more information is here than in the previous sentence)
1. Clean you room _________
2. Put the clothes in the hamper __________
3. I hate this dinner _____________
4. The peas taste bad to me _______________
5. That dog is covered with mud ____________
6. That dog is disgusting __________________
7. The weather was lousy today ____________
8. It was cold and rainy all day _____________
Your answers should be 1No 2Yes 3No 4Yes 5Yes 6No 7No 8Yes. Do you understand why? If not, re-read the directions or discuss this with your counselor.
I am insistent that you are getting excellent care. If you have any concerns about your counselor, please let me know. Thank you. Linda (my personal cell is (813) 620-4900)
Now you try some. Write Yes if this demonstrates good communication (even if it doesn’t relate personally to you). Write No if it shows poor communication, or blames others for the writer’s feelings.
1. I feel happy __________
2. You make me happy ___________
3. The kids upset me __________________
4. I feel upset with the kids ______________
5. Joe pisses me off ____________
6. I feel pissed off with Joe _________
7. I feel upset because of the dog _________
8. That dog upsets me ___________
Your answers should be 1Yes 2No 3No 4Yes 5No 6Yes 7Yes 8No. Do you understand why? If not, re-read the directions or discuss this with your counselor.
Mike, when I see broken glass on the floor, I’m scared someone will get cut. I need you to get the broom and I will help you clean it up.
Billy, I’m upset when I see all the toys on the floor. I want you to put them in the toy box.
Kerry, I feel upset when I hear you yelling. I need to hear you talking quietly.
I want you to give your dog a bath because he is covered with mud.
Notice that these sentences do not include any blaming. They are specific about how the speaker feels and what he wants done. Here are some more examples. Some are correct “I messages” which contain feeling and specific description, while others are wrong. The reason they are right or wrong is explained after the sentence:
Sue, you make me upset when you make a mess -— Wrong, the other person is NOT responsible for your feelings and make a mess is not specific.
You make me sad when you yell at me -— wrong, other people don’t control your emotions.
Kerry, I feel sad when you act that way - Half and half. Right because the speaker is taking responsibility for his feelings, but wrong because it’s not specific. What way was Kerry acting?
Kerry, I feel sad when you yell at me - right, but see if you can take out the “you.”
Kerry, I feel sad when I get yelled at – YES, this is an excellent “I message.”
Are the following sentences good communication? Write yes or no. The first set is done for you:
I feel angry — Yes (this is correct because the speaker is taking responsibility for her own feelings)
You make me angry — No (this is wrong because others don’t control how you feel. You are allowing yourself to become angry).
I feel pissed off with my ex – Yes (even if this isn’t true for you, it’s good communication because the speaker is taking responsibility for his feelings)
My ex pisses me off – No (the speaker is blaming another person for her feelings, so it is poor communication.)
There are people who would focus on how the boy “should” be punished for not doing the dishes, but the dishes were not really the issue, and punishment only breeds anger. The issue was keeping the relationship healthy and respectful. Tillie may have spent five minutes doing dishes, but she saved an hour not driving across town to the theatre, and then later doing the trip a second time to pick him up. Tillie knew she couldn’t control the boy and force him to stay in the house without breeding resentment, so she limited her response only to what she would do, because that is what she could control. The relationship was far more important than the situation, and Tillie knew this.
When you stop using “you should” and replace it with “I will” or “I prefer” you will find that others are more responsive to you. You may also want to add the word “but” to your thinking. For example “I would like you to clean your room but I can’t control you. I have a choice to close the door instead.” “I wish Mary would pay the bills on time, but that’s her business and isn’t my problem.”
I have another story about another 15-year-old boy. This boy asked his mother, Tired Tillie, if she would drive him to the movies. Tillie didn’t want to drive to the theatre but decided that she would do so if her son would wash the dishes. Tillie knew that her son could get a ride from a friend and wisely didn’t tell him that he couldn’t go, which would have escalated into a fight if he defied her, or resulted in anger on his part if he didn’t. The issue was not whether or not her son could see a movie, but rather, whether Tillie would drive him to the theatre. The situation ended up being a win-win situation. Her son called a friend and went to the movie while Tillie enjoyed a quiet evening at home.
Here is an assignment that I would like you to do for one week (consider it free therapy). Keep a small piece of paper with you – I’d suggest a 3×5 card, and keep a tally of every time you say or think “should”, “must” or any related word. You will probably be surprised by how often such words enter your vocabulary. Also pay attention to how often you use “you, never, always and why.” Other communication blockers include curse words and racial slurs. Both give people a negative impression of you, and limit effective communication. You will communicate far better if you refer to “that blue chair in the corner” rather than the “F…ing chair,” unless of course, the chair is actually engaged in that activity – in which case that would be the correct word to use.
Try replacing “you should” with the words “I prefer.” Take responsibility only for your own behavior and remember that you can’t control others. You may tell others what you would like, or ask them to do something, the final decision is theirs, and they don’t owe you anything just because you asked for it. Here are some examples below of good communication:
I don’t like your clothes on the floor.
I wish you could pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper.
Please pick up your clothes.
I prefer not having to walk over your clothes.
I’m doing the laundry now and need you to bring your clothes, or they won’t get washed.
I will throw away any clothes that I find on the floor. (only say this if you mean it).
I will put all the clothes in a bag and keep them until I don’t see clothes dropped on the floor any more.
People and things do not upset us, rather we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us.
Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy
COMMUNICATION
The human species are born to communicate. All but a minority of people learn to talk and communicate within their first two to three years of life. The fact that you are presently reading this, or listening to someone else read it, proves that you have an innate ability to communicate. That being said, clearly some people have better communication skills than others, and most people could use some improvement in developing their communication skills. If you aren’t good at communicating with others, it’s not because there is something wrong with you or that you are unable to learn this, it’s because you need to learn a few basic, simple skills that will improve your interaction with others.
Many people communicate by telling others about themselves, name-calling, or blaming others for how they feel. Here are a few examples of such poor communication:
You never get it right.
You always screw everything up.
What is wrong with you?
You should be doing it my way.
Why can’t you ever get it right?
You are an idiot!
Tomorrow I’ll share some better ways to communicate
February Newsletter – here is the link to see it with pictures. If it doesn’t work here, try it on my facebook. I know that works. Enjoy! Linda
February Newsletter from Cheer Counseling
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Cheer Counseling provides cheerful, high quality and affordable counseling. We offer old-fashioned personal service that excels in all areas from office staff to counselors.
Happy Valentines Day from our Cheer Family to your family.
RELATIONSHIPS
One of the most important areas of people’s lives, yet one of the most stressful, is our relationships with our families. The problems come about when we have expectations for our family members to change, but they never do. As long as you are trying to get someone else to change, you are unlikely to be successful. Change your focus on the one person that you CAN control – yourself, and you’ll gain power in a difficult situation. Remember, the only person you have control over is yourself, and once you accept that fact and begin taking power only over yourself, you’ll feel calmer, happier and more in-control than you’ve ever been before.
Groan of the Day
The head psychiatrist decides it’s time to see whether some patients are ready to leave the “hospital” so he takes one to a room where there is a large, empty swimming pool, and a diving board overhanging it.
He takes the patient to the edge of the board and says: “Jump!” The patient jumps and breaks both his legs and is carried away.
The next patient is taken up and after the same injunction, jumps and breaks both her arms and is carried away.
The last patient is taken up and told to jump and he refuses.
The head psychiatrist says, “Congratulations! You have passed the test, and are free to leave, but tell me out of curiosity why you refused to jump.” The patient replies, “I can’t swim.”
NEW WEBSITE
I’m excited to announce the NEW Cheer Website. Same address:
www.cheercounseling.com
I’m blogging regularly, so check-in and see what I’ve got to say. Or even better, write me if you have something to share, and I may post your comments on my blog. Thanks so much! Linda
Counselor of the Month
William “Mr. Bill” Hogan
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
MA from the University of South Florida
BA in Psychology from the University of West Florida
Since 1983 Bill Hogan has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and is a certified parent educator, practicum supervisor and developer of mental health programming. He has been married for 33 years and has two daughters who have graduated from Florida colleges and are raising families of their own.
Formerly Mr. Hogan was the Program Manager for the Department of Children’s Services where he managed Tampa’s Haven W. Poe Runaway Shelter, and residential programs for children with emotional problems and pre-delinquency issues. He coordinated department wide recruitment, volunteer placement, parent education and community development.
He has worked for almost 40 years with Children and Families at all levels from child caring, counseling, supervision and program development. He has retired from program responsibilities and returned to Family Therapy and practices at Cheer Counseling in Brandon, Fl.
Bill is active in Gasparella events, and lives in Tampa
Welcome to February. The New Year is well begun and you are continuing with your resolutions and new life. Since Valentines Day is February 14th, the focus of this month will be Love and Relationships. One key topic that this month covers is improved communication. A key point in your recovery includes developing and maintaining healthy relationships with people who support your positive goals and abstinence from harmful thinking and behaviors.
It is essential for your recovery to understand that you are not in control of others, and they in turn, have no control over you, unless you chose to give them that control. There are many people who will put you down, call you names, and attempt to take control over your life, behavior, and even your thoughts. If someone calls you insane, or tells you that your life in unmanageable, you need to challenge this within yourself. Most people, even those with serious problems, manage fairly well in most areas of their lives, and are quite sane, although they may do crazy things at times.
Some serious drug addicts, alcoholics, and mentally ill individuals do reach a low level of unmanageability and end up going from crisis to crisis, becoming homeless and living in the woods, but that is generally a minority of addicts at the end stage of their addiction.
Far more people remain functional and manage their lives fairly well in spite of their problems. I want you to clearly understand that no one, or nothing, but yourself, can either keep you from practicing your addiction, or make you engage in it. Your friend, neighbor, partner or higher power did not force you to engage in your addictions, and none of them will stop you either. The power to abstain from drugs, alcohol, unhealthy people, unhealthy activities, and addictive or dysfunctional behavior lies only within yourself.
Many people find it much easier to minimize or deny their behavior than to look at themselves honestly. You know you are doing this if you use the words “only, but, or just.” “Sure I drank until I passed out, BUT it was New Years.” “I ONLY used a little cocaine.” “I JUST had one 12-pack. I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about my driving home.” “JUST one piece of cake won’t hurt my diet, I can start again tomorrow.” “I ONLY want to enjoy myself this once.” “It won’t hurt to gamble one more time, I JUST want to win back my losses” “Sex with a stranger won’t hurt, it’s ONLY one time. I won’t catch AIDS” Watch out when you start thinking “I don’t really have a problem.” “There’s no reason for me to continue contact with my support people” or “Just one won’t hurt.” Such thinking is often the first step to a planned relapse, and all relapses are planned. I don’t use the word “slip” unless I’m talking about someone falling on a banana peal. That’s a slip. Returning to your addiction or dysfunctional behavior is a “planned relapse.” You won’t relapse unless you set that as one of your goals, and begin working on achieving that goal by cutting ties with healthy people and activities. Your relapse begins when you start seeking out activities and people (people, places and things) that will lead you back into your dysfunctional or addictive behaviors.
That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.
William J. H. Boetcker
Set your goals and resolutions with care, for whatever you plan is likely to happen. Chose your company well, for they are the model for your future. Engage in activities that lead to a healthy life. Have a very happy New Year, and I hope this book helps you stay on your path to recovery.
Life isn’t a fairy-tale story where you only need to do what pleases you. An attitude like that is evident when people begin experimenting with drugs or other serious addictions. Sure, getting high, drunk is self-gratifying for the moment, but there are serious long-term consequences because you are abusing your brain and body. You need to find a balance between enjoying yourself in a responsible manner and taking care of your obligations, so that your life remains manageable. Failure to meet obligations will lead you to feeling that your life is out of control. You can take back control of your life by doing necessary things, such as going to work and paying bills, even if they are not enjoyable in the moment. The long-term outcome is greater peace and comfort.
Roadblocks are patterns of thinking, as described by Dr. Stanton Samenow and Dr. Samuel Yochelson, that result in life problems. Dr. Samenow and Dr. Yochelson found that these are common thinking errors of criminals and drug addicts. Dr. Albert Ellis also described various thinking patterns that lead to life problems in average people without serious criminal or substance abuse problems. He called these irrational beliefs. Throughout this book, I will be presenting the work of these men, concepts that often overlap, and helping you learn to examine your own thinking patterns and the roadblocks you use that are harmful to your own happiness and mental health.
ROADBLOCKS
Avoiding Duties and Obligations.
Avoiding your duties and obligations by forgetting, putting them off, or depending on others to do them for you will result in a reactive life-style, where you spend unnecessary time and energy trying to fix problems that never needed to happen in the first place. Responsible people take care of their obligations up front. Failure to meet your obligations is a clear risk factor that will increase stress in your life and eventually lead you back to your addictions.
PROACTIVE AND REACTIVE
I’m sure you have known people, and you may even be one, who goes from crisis to crisis. They always seem to have a problem of the week, and ordinary events for others become serious traumas for them. They live their life as though they were making snowballs and rolling them down a snowy slope. They start with something small and easy to manage, but end up with huge boulders.
This is like Sad Sammy, who forgot to put gasoline in his car and then get stuck on his way to work, lost his job for not getting there, couldn’t pay his rent, and ended up living homeless on the street, all because he didn’t stop at a gas station on time.
Then there was Hungry Hanna who didn’t pay her electric bill and threw away the warning turn-off notice. She felt depressed because she couldn’t pay her electric bill so to help her feel better, she went shopping and bought enough food for a month, but the next day her power was turned off, and all her food spoiled.
Sammy and Hanna were living their lives reactively. Rather than being proactive and taking care of small problems, they waited until their problems became huge and unmanageable. Then Sammy and Hanna had to react to the problem, trying to fix it. How much better off they would have been if they had been proactive, and taken care of basic day to day problems up front. Putting gas in your car, paying your bills, and getting to work on time are all part of normal everyday activities. People who fail to proactively take care of their basic needs end up living in a reactive crisis mode, spending all their time and energy picking up the pieces rather than preventing the problem in the beginning. Living a reactive life promotes relapse back into your addiction. Setting small everyday goals and completing them helps you stay in a proactive state. Take care of problems at the top of the hill, when they are snowballs, rather than pushing them down the hill and waiting for them to become boulders.
It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.
Sir Winston Churchill
British politician (1874 – 1965)
Victor Hugo
French dramatist, novelist, & poet (1802 – 1885)
FREEING YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST
Often we let our past get in the way of achieving our goals and dreams. I know you didn’t have a perfect childhood, but I’ll let you in on a secret: Nobody had that elusive, perfect childhood. All of our parents meant well, and they all messed-up at least once while raising you, and like it or not, you messed up (or will mess up) raising your own children. Life just doesn’t work out the way we planned, but plan anyway, because it’s the only way for you to have even a slight chance of controlling your life. Without plans or goals, you could stay stuck in the past. The past is gone, so it’s time to move on. The past doesn’t need to control your present. When you wake-up each morning, you have a choice on how you chose to think. You might groan “I have to go to that lousy job,” or you might wake up with an excited shout “I am so lucky to have my job, and it’s going to be a wonderful day!” You can spend time ruminating (that’s what cows do when they chew their cud) over abuse that happened during your childhood, use drugs or dysfunctional behaviors to help you forget the abuse, or you might tell yourself, “it’s time to get over it. I am no longer a helpless child who can’t control what happens to me.”
You are now a powerful adult and nothing or no one can control you unless you give them your permission. Are you giving negative thoughts free-rent in your head? Events in your life can’t make you angry, happy or depressed. It’s how you interpret and react to these events that result in your thoughts and moods.
Suppose you meet someone and fall in love. This is your dream partner, love of your life, your one and only, till death do we part, and you’re walking on clouds feeling that you are the happiest person who ever lived. How would you feel if your partner came to you one day and said “I found someone new, so get lost”? You’d be devastated. You might stay in bed and cry for weeks, or mope and find no pleasure in anything. Some people would go to the extreme of committing suicide. Now suppose that you have found someone better and need to tell your partner that you want out. Imagine the same scene with your partner telling you “I found someone new, so get lost.” Think about how differently you would feel, even though your partner’s behavior was exactly the same in each scenario. You would be relieved that it is over, and maybe you’d go out and celebrate that same day. In the first scene you would feel awful and the second scene, with your partner acting identically, you would feel joyful. You see, it isn’t your partner controlling your feelings, but rather it’s you who is in control.
“But isn’t it normal to feel sad when someone close to me dies?”
Of course. You aren’t a robot. I’m not telling you not to feel. I just want you to understand that you, and nobody else, is in control of your feelings. Nobody can make you sad, happy, angry, depressed or overjoyed. Your feelings originate within yourself.
“But my doctor says I have a biological disorder and need to take anti-depressants or anxiety pills.”
Now, I am not a doctor, and I’m NOT telling you to disregard your doctor and stop your medications, but imagine how you would feel if you found out that you won a hundred million dollar lottery. Imagine how you would feel if you fell in love. How would you feel if you gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby? If you are still depressed, then you probably do have a biological disorder that needs to be treated medically. If you aren’t, then the above are examples of a medical condition being cured by your thoughts …and you thought you were powerless over your thoughts! Sometimes medication is necessary to help you get through a tough time in your life, such as the death of a parent, but even then, it doesn’t need to continue for years after the crisis has resolved. Now it’s time to let your past go. Drinking, drugging, moping, or eating to excess isn’t going to cure your past hurts, but extreme behavior in any way can only make things worse in the long run.
Lets look at another goal. For New Years you decide to run a mile every morning. Now, if you are like many people, you aren’t in good enough shape to run a mile. If you try, tomorrow you will be sore and tired, and your New Years resolution (goal) will fade and be forgotten. It’s better to break-up your goal into small achievable parts. You may plan to get up an hour early tomorrow morning. Don’t try running, don’t even plan on walking, just get up and start your day an hour earlier than you are used to. After a week or so, you will become accustomed to getting up early, and the earlier time will become natural for you. Now start walking. For the next week walk a mile. Once you are used to doing that, start running for short periods. Run, walk, run, walk. Gradually increase the amount of time you are running until you are running the full mile daily. This may take weeks, or if you’ve been a major couch potato for a long time, it might take months to achieve. A goal doesn’t happen in one day – it takes time and work. A goal worth doing may take many years (yes, years) to accomplish. If you ever need a brain surgeon, you will want to hire the doctor who was well coordinated and could use his hands well since childhood. You know, the one who could color in the lines from an early age. That reminds me of that old joke where the kid asks a musician how to get to Carnegie Hall and the musician tells the kid “practice, practice, practice.”
When you set your goals, decide what you want to accomplish. Set a date and time when you will work on your goal. Have the goal specific and measurable, such as “do one more sit-up every day until I can do a hundred,” rather than to “get into better shape”. “I will spend Saturday nights playing with my children for two hours” is a goal, while “I won’t go to the bar on Saturday nights” isn’t. Don’t be afraid to stretch your imagination and reach for the sky. If it’s your dream, jump out of an airplane, but don’t take dangerous risks either: use a parachute! Another common expression that I’m sure you’ve heard is: If you fail to plan then you plan to fail.
Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.
Thomas A. Edison
US inventor (1847 – 1931)
Government survey finds that 5 percent of Americans suffer from a ‘serious mental illness’
By David Brown, Thursday, January 19, 12:02 AM
About 20 percent of American adults suffer some sort of mental illness each year, and about 5 percent experience a serious disorder that disrupts work, family or social life, according to a government report released Thursday.
The annual National Survey on Drug Use and Health sketches a now-familiar picture of a country where mental illness is common and the demand for treatment high.
Mental illness is most prevalent in women, young adults, the unemployed and people with low incomes. Drug and alcohol abuse is more than twice as common in people with mental illness than those without it. About 4 percent of adults contemplate suicide each year.
According to the study, slightly less than half the people with any mental illness — and only 60 percent of those with serious, disabling ones — get treatment each year. Whites and Native Americans are more likely to get treatment than blacks, Hispanics or Asians.
In all, about 14 percent of American adults receive some sort of behavioral care each year — and one in five said he or she wanted more, the survey found. Of the people reporting an “unmet need” for mental-health care, about 40 percent said they couldn’t afford it.
Prescription medicine was the most common treatment, used by 12 percent of adults. Between 2002 and 2010, the percentage of adults getting outpatient counseling fell slightly (to 7 percent), while the fraction of adults using a prescription drug went up.
The findings were drawn from interviews with about 68,500 randomly selected Americans living at homes, dormitories or shelters in 2010. It did not include people living on the street, active-duty members of the military, prisoners or hospital patients.
“This is a good picture of what the households in the country really look like,” said Pete Delany, an official of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, the agency that oversees the survey.
The survey was face to face, although the interview subjects answered many of the questions on a computer screen, a technique shown to increase candor about touchy subjects. The surveyors were not mental health professionals, although a sample of respondents were interviewed in greater detail by such people.
The questions were designed to uncover a range of problems, such as depression, anxiety, psychosis and adjustment disorders. Although drug and alcohol abuse qualify as mental disorders in psychiatry’s diagnostic manual, they weren’t considered as such in this survey. That will allow researchers to see the extent to which substance abuse and specific mental illnesses occur simultaneously.
Among the 46 million people age 18 and older who had a mental illness in 2010, 20 percent also met the criteria for substance abuse. For people ages 18 to 25, the rate was 32 percent. About 8 percent of Native Americans had both mental illness and substance abuse — twice the rate seen in blacks and whites.
“These should be taken as upper limits only,” Allen Frances, a retired professor of psychiatry at Duke University, said of the numbers in the survey. “I am skeptical that rates this high make sense.”
Frances oversaw the revision of the profession’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from 1987 to 1994. He said surveys generally lack the ability to judge the severity of symptoms, which is essential to deciding whether something qualifies as an illness.
Daniel J. Carlat, a Massachusetts psychiatrist whose 2010 book “Unhinged: The Trouble With Psychiatry” criticized the profession’s overreliance on prescription drugs, agreed “that there is a kind of alarmist quality to these reports.” The disorders found could include spider-phobia and staying upset for a long time after arguing with one’s spouse.
“There is a stigma about ‘mental illness’ that as soon as you hear the term people assume that it’s something quite severe. The nuances of this type of data tend to be lost on people,” he said. He added, however, that he doesn’t doubt that 5 percent of the population has a serious mental disorder.
Now, to get back on topic, here are some examples of how to set goals. Remember, a goal must be measurable and have a set time. It must be a positive action. I want to be happy isn’t a goal because there is no way to measure happiness. When people give me this goal, I ask them to define happiness. “I won’t drink” isn’t a goal because it doesn’t say what you WILL be doing. There are lots of things that I won’t do. I will never grow wings and fly to the moon. I won’t swim across the Pacific Ocean, and I won’t be arrested and put in jail for robbing a bank. However, these aren’t goals because I don’t have to make any effort to achieve them. I could achieve these non-goals by staying in bed and sleeping all day. Here are some examples of goals that are measurable, including what you are going to do and when. l
Suppose you decide to write a book, this might impress some people, but it shouldn’t. Can you write one page? Most people can. Imagine that you decide to write one page everyday for the next six months. At the end of that time, you’d have written 182 pages, which is a respectable book. Writing a book isn’t very hard, but writing it well is far more difficult. This will take studying, reading about how to write, and feedback from other people who can look at your work with a fresh eye. Still, if you really want to write a book, plan a date to begin. Someday never happens.
Please understand that everything I suggest will not be exactly right for you. You are free to pick and chose what will work for you, and what won’t. I’ve had people tell me that putting themselves in control didn’t work for them, and they need to give control to another person or to God. I’ve had people who are trying to get over obsessive behaviors tell me that list writing had become an uncontrollable obsession for them. If your goal is to stop writing lists, then please disregard my advice to keep a list. People in early recovery often need to avoid their drug of choice (which isn’t limited to drugs, but rather refers to your specific problem area) just one day at a time, or sometimes one minute at a time. In short, use what works for you, and disregard what doesn’t.
Here is one more real life example relating to goal setting. Imagine you are building a house. One of the first things you will do before building is to draw a blueprint and floor plan. You wouldn’t even consider building a house without a plan, but what is more important to you, your house or your life?
Your life is far too important to just drift without a plan. Drifting without a plan often leads people into serious problems such as drug addiction, depression, anxiety, psychiatric hospitalization, and incarceration. Making a habit of regularly setting goals for yourself is essential to recovery. Living one day at a time is living only one day away from a relapse, and is an ill-advised long-term recovery plan.
The second part is to set a time to achieve your goal. I hear too many people saying, “someday I want to write a book,” or “someday I want to change my bad habit,” but someday never comes. If you want to set a goal, you need to start your plan today. For example, today I will take a step from the floor to the first step. Tomorrow I will step onto the second step. In ten days I will reach the top of the stairs.
I also suggest that you write down your goals to help you stay focused on your plan. It’s far easier to remember your goals if they are written down and kept in a place where you will see them often. I often write my goals in the form of a to-do list that I check as I accomplish each goal. Every time I cross off another item on the list, it’s like giving myself a pat on the back for doing a good job. You might want to try this suggestion, or to establish your own plan instead. I have confidence that you will find your best path towards goal setting. However, whether you actively set goals or not, your life is going to change with time. How much better it is to use a map and plan your route than to just drive around making random turns and getting nowhere.
January is the official time for looking at your life and setting resolutions or goals to make this year better. We do it every year, and every year those resolutions end up being given up or forgotten almost as quickly as they were made. The problem isn’t that you aren’t able to keep resolutions, you have made more in your life than you realize, but that you don’t know how to set up a plan to follow-through and stay on track.
Many people ask why they should even make a goal. “Life is going along all right,” they tell me. I have heard this from people who were depressed, anxious, addicted to drugs or alcohol, on probation or house arrest, their family and partner want nothing to do with them, and they were recently fired from their job and worried that they will soon be homeless. “Goals are the last thing I need to worry about,” they tell me.
So why do you need goals anyway? You aren’t in such a bad situation.
“My life is going along okay. Besides, I might get run over by a truck and die tomorrow. Can you guarantee that I won’t die tomorrow?”
Of course not, but that question is a tactic, or manipulation to go off track, rather than taking responsibility to improve your life. You might die, but then again, you might live to be a hundred, and without goals, what will you have accomplished in your life?
Image that you are on a ship that capsizes. If you can’t see land, you might start swimming, but most likely you’ll only swim in a large circle and get nowhere. Now suppose that you can see a sliver of land in the distance. Reaching that land will now become your goal. You will start swimming towards the land. There is no guarantee that you will make it. You might become exhausted and drown, or a shark may make you it’s dinner, but you’re better off trying to reach the land than staying in the middle of the ocean going nowhere. You might swim for a while and then see another island closer than the first. In that case, you most likely will change your goal and swim for the closer land.
Goals are never written in concrete, and may be changed as needed. Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb, had hundreds of failed attempts before he finally succeeded. However, we don’t remember Edison for his failures, which have been forgotten, but for his successes.
You might not accomplish your goal because you don’t know how to establish one, but once you know how, it isn’t hard to set goals and follow through. The key points to goal setting include having a measurable goal and setting a date.
I’d like you to picture your goal, or resolution, as a staircase. You are at the bottom of the stairs, and your goal is on the top step. You can’t do this in one step, but need to climb those steps, one at a time, until you reach the top. Too many of us look at the top step and say, “I can never jump that high. Getting to the top of that is impossible for me. I’ll just give it up.” You are right, no one can jump the height of a flight of stairs, but you don’t have to be able to jump a flight a stairs to reach the top. You only need to lift your foot enough to reach one stair. That, you can do easily. Reaching your goal must be done one step at a time.
Welcome to another year! You have opened this blog for various reasons, possibly out of curiosity, or maybe as part of a class. Hopefully, you are reading this because you are interested in what I have to say, and you are trying to make changes in your life. You may be reading this blog because you realize that you have a problem in your life and want help to recover.
I want to assure you that you are NOT powerless over your thoughts, moods or addictions. You make a choice to eat too much, drink too much, use illegal drugs, take too many prescription pills, have irresponsible sex, gamble more than you can afford, wash your hands too much, obsessively pray, excessively shop, or exercise to an extreme.
Even feelings such as depression and anxiety are within your control, although you may not yet be aware of how you choose your problems. Many things that are normal and healthy become a problem if done to excess, but you are powerful, and you have the ability within yourself to make changes. For the most part, your life is manageable. You have family, friendships and possibly a relationship. You function in work or school, have hobbies, and pay your bills. Having a problem doesn’t mean that your life is unmanageable. If the truth be known, there is not a person alive who doesn’t have some kind of problem. The fact that you are reading this shows the power and control that you have in your life. You have decided that certain parts of your life need changes and you are managing the changes that you need to make.January is the official time for looking at your life and setting resolutions or goals to make this year better. We do it every year, and every year those resolutions end up being given up or forgotten almost as quickly as they were made. The problem isn’t that you aren’t able to keep resolutions, you have made more in your life than you realize, but that you don’t know how to set up a plan to follow-through and stay on track.
Many people ask why they should even make a goal. “Life is going along all right,” they tell me. I have heard this from people who were depressed, anxious, addicted to drugs or alcohol, on probation or house arrest, their family and partner want nothing to do with them, and they were recently fired from their job and worried that they will soon be homeless. “Goals are the last thing I need to worry about,” they tell me.
So why do you need goals anyway? You aren’t in such a bad situation.
“My life is going along okay. Besides, I might get run over by a truck and die tomorrow. Can you guarantee that I won’t die tomorrow?”
Of course not, but that question is a tactic, or manipulation to go off track, rather than taking responsibility to improve your life. You might die, but then again, you might live to be a hundred, and without goals, what will you have accomplished in your life?
Image that you are on a ship that capsizes. If you can’t see land, you might start swimming, but most likely you’ll only swim in a large circle and get nowhere. Now suppose that you can see a sliver of land in the distance. Reaching that land will now become your goal. You will start swimming towards the land. There is no guarantee that you will make it. You might become exhausted and drown, or a shark may make you it’s dinner, but you’re better off trying to reach the land than staying in the middle of the ocean going nowhere. You might swim for a while and then see another island closer than the first. In that case, you most likely will change your goal and swim for the closer land.
Cheer Counseling has a new website, and we will have many new programs starting this year! I’ll be posting regularly on this site with helpful information. January I will be talking about goal setting (how to make and follow your resolutions), February and Valentines day is a given for talking about improved relationships. With many people out of work, I promise to address what I (and other employers) look for when hiring someone. Check back soon — and have a wonderful new year. Cheer Counseling serves the Brandon and Tampa Bay area, including Riverview, Tampa, Temple Terrace, Valrico, Bloomingdale, Fish Hawk, Plant City and surrounding areas.
Welcome to November. This is the month that we celebrate Thanksgiving. No matter what your problems are, you can still concentrate on the positive rather than the negative.